I wonder why my scars are more visible when my hands are wet and wrinkly from sitting in the bathtub. I'll have to look that up on google.

I went to my first psychiatry appointment today. Feeling a little buyers remorse, wondering if I over-shared. She was much easier to talk to than the therapist I saw several months ago. I didn't sense any false sympathy or judgement. She was very straightforward and professional. Question - answer - diagnosis - meds., boom, boom, boom. I think it was a productive 45 minutes. I was still ridiculously nervous, but I typed out what I wanted to say beforehand and this helped ALOT. Just put it all on the table. Well, mostly. I wasn't completely straightforward when she asked me about suicidal thoughts. I told her I had vague thoughts and a vague plan. But in actuality, I have a very detailed plan. I'm NOT going to kill myself, but I like to know I have a way out if I need it. I kinda regret not telling her though. She also asked about past abuse. I told her there was abuse in my past, but thats all I could say. I froze up. I knew I would. After an awkward silence, I was able to say I'd prefer not to talk about it. She didn't push it.

It was a long 45 minutes, but I'm glad I went. I got a ptsd and depression diagnosis and some zoloft and sleeping pills. I'm hoping they help reduce my urge to cut, if nothing else, but I know it'll take time. Right now I'm exhausted and drained. I want to curl up in a warm blanket and go to sleep.