.

Mentally exhausted. Saw the new therapist again today. She has the same soft, slow speech that all therapists have. Why do they do that? Do they think we'll go crazy if they talked to us like normal people? Nonetheless, she seemed insightful and appeared to know what she's talking about, which is good, and I can see her every week instead of once a month like the last one. Waiting a month is ridiculous. Encourage me to open up, then then I'd feel like $#%^, then have to wait another month to tell the therapist why I feel like $#%^. Definitely not cool.

What I really miss is the intensive outpatient therapy. I felt like that was really helping me and the therapist there was really good. Unfortunately, it was only a 3-week program and it ended. Whatever. Life goes on.

The new therapist is fricken' expensive. I really hope it helps.

Today I'm thankful for family. Not the type that share my DNA. I'm thankful for the family who came out of nowhere and accepted me as one of their own. The family thats too good to be true, that's too good for me. Who I expect to leave when they realize I'm just white trash. I'm not really one of them. I may wake up one morning and realize it was all a dream, elaborate hallucinations of a lonely woman, a lonely girl. But until the other shoe drops, I'm grateful. Today I am thankful for my Inlaws.

I brought out my shotgun today and put the barrel in my mouth. I couldn't reach the trigger with my hand. I'd have to use my toe. I wanted to, more than anything. The thought pops in my head several times a day, out of nowhere, a video playing in my mind of blowing off my head. I don't know where the the thought comes from. A good friend of mine, my uncle, and my grandfather have all killed themselves. My mother, my brother, and a former college roommate have attempted. People kill themselves when they're around me. Am I saying something, doing something that depresses them? I can't change who I am and I don't want to depress people. I don't understand it. I'm a sensitive person. I could never intentionally hurt another living soul. I cannot express what I feel. I either show no emotion at all or all turn into a sobbing mess when I feel anything. It doesn't matter what I'm feeling, happy, sad, angry, it all comes out the same. I push away my emotions when around other people because if I don't, I know I'll break down. Its embarrassing. I'm defective, I cannot reciprocate love and it hurts people around me. My husband has the purest, most beautiful heart of anyone I've ever met. He deserves so much more than me. I cannot let him in too close because I don't want him to see how shriveled and damaged my heart is. Its selfish of me to stay with him. He deserves to have someone who is wholesome, kind, and honest. He deserves all the happiness that I can't give him. I tried changing, but I know that I never can. I'm broken and I cannot be fixed. I want to set my soul free. I don't want to live anymore and I don't want to continue to hurt those around me. Suicide is the logical solution. One day I'll have the courage, but I don't think it'll be today. I'm selfish today. I'm pathetic and weak. I couldn't pull the trigger. Maybe after a couple beers. I don't know. I'm tired.

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