My cutting isn't enough anymore. My razors don't produce enough blood. The cuts fade and turn white. I want something deeper, something redder, something permanent. I have an urge to cut off my toe, my middle toe. I've been obsessing over it for days, even ran the razor across it to see how deep I could get. My razors aren't sharp enough, but I know what is. Maybe if I write it down, I can see how crazy it sounds. I don't understand this obsession with blood, but I have to see more and more. Writing isn't helping.

Bought a new set of blades today.

Laugh, and the world laughs with you:
Weep, and you weep alone;
For the sad old earth
Must borrow its mirth,
It has trouble enough of its own.

Sing, and the hills will answer;
Sigh, it is lost on the air;
The echoes bound
To a joyful sound,
But shrink from voicing care.

Rejoice, and men will seek you;
Grieve, and they turn and go;
They want full measure
Of all your pleasure,
But they do not want your woe.

Be glad, and your friends are many;
Be sad, and you lose them all;
There are none to decline
Your nectared wine,
But alone you must drink life's gall.

Feast, and your halls are crowded;
Fast, and the world goes by;
Succeed and give,
And it helps you live,
But it cannot help you die.

There is room in the halls of pleasure
For a long and lordly train;
But one by one
We must all file on
Through the narrow aisles of pain.

Ella Wheeler Wilcox (1850 - 1919)

Avoiding work again. Spent a new record of 20 minutes at the office before bolting. It was raining on the drive home. A truck slid on some oil, across four lanes of traffic and crashed into the metal rail at the side of the road. I was several cars behind him. I should've stopped to see if he was okay, but I didn't. Several cars stopped. I know at least one, probably all, were calling 911. A man ran out of another car towards the truck where the driver was slumped over. His airbag deployed. I hope he will be okay. I know CPR, I've taken first aid classes, but I didn't stop to help. What kind of person am I? I should've helped.

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