BEWARE - Buddhist Viruses are Lurking on the Web

Professor Richard P. Hayes of McGill University in Canada has compiled a list of known viruses inhabiting Buddhist's computers. These viruses have been around for thousands of years and they even defy the skills of McAffey. You can visit Professor Hayes at http://www.unm.edu/~rhayes and http://home.comcast.net/~dayamati

THERAVADA TERROR (often packaged in a seemingly innocuous file known as BHIKKHU.BUG): operates by giving ordination to your computer's CPU. While relatively harmless during the morning hours, this virus has the effect of making your computer refuse to intake or process any hard data after noon. (Female scholars need not be concerned about this virus, since female CPUs are not entitled to receive full ordination.)

MADHYAMAKA MONSTER: systematically replaces all data on the hard drive by a bit having a value of not 1, not 0, not both 1 and 0 and not neither 1 nor 0. The screen goes entirely blank, and whenever the operator taps a key, an information box pops up saying, "There are no statements in this information box."

VIJNANAVADA VEXATION: is the only known computer virus that has no effect whatsoever on your software. It does, however, make all the hardware and peripheral devices disappear, and convinces the software that there is no real distinction between a computer program and the data it processes. One extreme version of this viral scourge (also known as SOFTWARE ONLY) has the effect of making your software believe that it is the only software in the universe.

VAJRAYANA VIRUS: attacks the computer's BIOS, causing the screen to emit a radiant clear light that beams directly into the operator's heart. The computer itself sustains no damage, but the operator's mind is transformed into mush with the inane message "The passions themselves are enlightenment. Misinformation itself is data." The operator then is overwhelmed with a compulsive urge to upload billions of gigabytes worth of graphics displays of incomprehensible mandalas onto Web sites around the world, for the benefit of all sentient machines.

INDRAJALA INFECTION: which causes all sentient beings to be networked, all information to be replicated, and whenever any sentient being is removed from the network neither it nor its previous context can be said to exist. (Also known as the 'ten coins terror'). Rumour has it this was the by-product of a marketing slogan coined by a lama doing contract work for Sun Microsystems, "the network is the operator". Once this virus has infected any machine, everything is instantly affected, and it is no longer possible to conceive of the universe in the absence of the virus.

From Alt.Religion Buddhism Tibetan 1997

2547 BE Virus Update

BUDDHIST COMPUTER VIRUSES
By Dr. Richard Blackwell

PHURBA VIRUS: annihilates anyone who sends viruses along with their computer and their server. also purifies the network.

CHENREZI VIRUS: downloads programme into your computer which causes computer to do nothing else but pray for all beings to the exclusion of any other operation.

KALACHAKRA VIRUS: downloads extremely complex ritual into the computer which operator must perform before computer will perform any other operation.

HAYAGRIVA VIRUS: enters computer through a back door and takes entire control of your computer by force

TROMA VIRUS: chops your files and operating programme into small pieces transforms them into wisdom nectar then feeds the nectar to non-buddhist computers which it visualizes as demons

MAHAKALA VIRUS: protects your computer from all other viruses but requires you to offer meat and liquor daily through a special opening with which it replaces your floppy drive

EKADZATI VIRUS: allows only one file on your computer

PADMASAMBHAVA VIRUS: subjugates your computer and takes it with it on the path

TARA VIRUS: only allows female operators access. causes computer to give long lecture to male operators concerning views on male-only...

[ Continued ]

If we care to explore the story of our lives, we may realise that there are really three inseparable stories. The outer or material biography - i was born here, i did this, i went there, and this is what i believed i was doing. The inner or hidden biography - an immaterial realm sometimes believed to be full of myth, metaphor, and archetypes - but more a transpersonal experience. And the secret biography which, for the sake of argument, let us call the direct experience of infinite compassionate light.

Similarly, when we look beyond the interpretations and irrationalities of dreams, and into dreaming, we may see that dreams fall into three kinds: mundane dreams, dreams of clarity, and pure-light dreams. Mundane dreams arise as the karmic traces of the individual. Dreams of clarity arise as the karmic traces of the transpersonal. And pure-light dreams arise, for the sake of argument, as primal awareness without subject and object, or the clear light of pure reality.

Now if we look into the infinite vastness of the material universe, the further away we can see the further we appear to travel back in time, due to the velocity of light. Eventually, if we could really
travel back far enough, we would arrive at spaciousness without space in which things appear to arise.

Similarly, if we journey into the universe of the infinitely small, we arrive not at material things or sub-atomic pixels, but at dynamic quantum processes, or arguable the sub-atomic system known as the Hidden Variable. In some schools the Hidden Variable is regarded as unverifiable, whilst in others it is speculated that it pre-exists the universe of space-time as it is known to us, and is believed to be either information or consciousness. All we can say is that it is a dynamic process involving the awareness of an event - so, in my opinion, it is probably consciousness.

Now back to the earthly you and me. When we believe we are awake, things appear to happen, we have things to do, and thoughts arise. Yet if we care to look between these endlessly passing thoughts and things to do, we will eventually arrive at a vast and silent emptiness without identity. Unsurprisingly enough this has been many names - but it is essentially aware spaciousness in which things appear to arise. And when we sleep, what happens between the dreams? Shall we just call it deep sleep, non-REM sleep, or oblivion.

Sleep is said to be of three forms: the sleep of ignorance, the sleep of clarity, and clear light sleep. The sleep of ignorance is the great darkness of oblivion, which helps to maintain our sense of body and individualised consciousness. Sleep deprivation may alter our sense of personal identity. The sleep of dreams has already been mentioned. And clear-light sleep or the sleep of clarity's abiding in pure awareness without becoming distracted by dreams or darkness.

It should be emphasised that we inevitably experience only mundane dreams and the sleep of ignorance. But then, whoever said that things were easy.

It is said that when the mind rests freely without a point of reference, then there is nothing to meditate upon. Sometimes this is called the Essence of mind that has never existed. It is sometimes likened to the clarity of a mirror. It is also known as the first of the three inseparable conditions: Essence, Nature, and Energy. Which is of course, another story.

"I sought solitude, and i felt a great inexplicable joy, a joy so powerful that i could not restrain it. And then, in the midst of such a fit of mysterious and overwhelming delight, i could see and hear in a totally different way".

Sunchugasev the Kam, from The Travels of Vilmos Diosegi explorer.

Porridge Stirs Light Green/Dark Green Heavy Mix


Lord Porridge, the former international vagrant and media whore Jonathan Porridge, told members of the world media gathered in the ecologically sensitive grounds of his oik-proof estate in Gloucestershire, that the Dark Green Movement was "environmentally unsound, socially divisive, and mentally deranged".

His blunt statement can only further deepen the ever-growing split between the mutually hostile Light Green and Dark Green Liberation Movements.

In an overheard telephone conversation between a Slad Road Dark Green activist and a Rodborough sympathiser, the view was clearly expressed that: "the closest the Light Green's have ever been to an ecological disaster, is running out of Champagne or a rather inconvenient case of genital herpes".

Such language can only dash hopes that the almost unbridgeable divide between the mutually exclusive groups could be healed with large amounts of taxpayers money.

Bitch political correspondent Kahlil Gibermann - author of The Prophet Dead Loss - has long speculated that the Light Green establishment has deliberately manipulated the whole situation in order to assure leadership of the Dark Green Movement to self-proclaimed "General" Jorge Menendez of Thrupp, who is known globally for being totally off his chump.

However, as the whitewash fades on the bloodstains, and the dogs of war and peace gather in the Five Valleys, always member: PANIC BUY BEFORE THE RUSH.

Wigens Questioned over Alien Abduction Attempt


Leading Reality activist and Little Earther Pete Wigens (93) was still being questioned by Stroud Police over an alien abduction attempt at the 4 Degreez Offices in Rodborough. Wigens (nfa) is known internationally for his opposition to refugee status for life forms fleeing the Betelgeuse Conflict.

"Why are they always resettled in Rodborough", a fellow activist asked Bitch reporter Hank Greed.

"Why ask me?", replied Hank, "I'm one myself".

Owing to a prior engagement President Margarine (93) was unavailable for comment.