I guess we're probably not allowed to edit these later, but I wanted to write anyway... it didn't let me later edit a post I made even within 24 hours of it, so... well, I guess I don't know what the timeframe for editing is anyway, huh... in any case.

I forgot some things in the intro... so I'll just say here. A lot of things I'm questioning are unsure mainly because they overlap with things I already have but also have symptoms that aren't involved, but I still don't know... Sometimes I wonder if I'm just overreacting anyway, and thinking I have all these things I don't have, well, that's probably true... even if I've been researching for a few years now...

Professionally Diagnosed: Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Social Phobia, Depression (type was not specified, but I believe it fits MDD more than dysthymia.)

I used to think I had trichotillomania but my pulling out my hair and playing with it is likely tied to my anxiety and sensory seeking as well. I like the texture and just stroking it usually and it ends up coming out, and when I get anxious and angry I can tear it out in clumps in my frustration.

I have also been trying to research dermatillomania, but due to there being no articles without pictures, I find it extremely difficult. I only hope it has similar criteria to trich except for skin-- and I just remembered I have a copy of the DSM-4! I shall go read that later then.

I also frequently have delusions (with insight into them being so) and some hallucinations (tactile and olfactory most commonly, rarely auditory outside of listening to music with both earbuds in, extremely rarely visual). Delusions include that people are always watching me through my computer, walls, and the sky, that people are trying to poison me, that those who send me to therapists want me to be medicated and locked up in the guise of being helpful, that aliens are watching my thoughts and sight in a movie theater on their planet, that shadows and demons live in my house and try to kill me when it gets dark (but only some of them some shadows are friendly), and that there's a chip planted in the area of my head that hurts when I touch it (mostly recently). Despite knowing that they are technically delusions, rather it's that I know that other people would consider them odd or delusional, so I know not to speak about them, though it's hard during my 1-2 hour episodes of intense painful delusions. I try to make jokes hinting to them.

Because of this I researched Delusional Disorder, however despite fitting all symptoms technically, it specified that it only meant non-bizarre delusions, and mine are definitely bizarre by psychology standards. Next I tried researching psychotic depression, since I already have depression so it's not a stretch really, but it specified that delusions mostly matched the theme of depression/anxiety, which I don't think mine do?

Before considering anything, especially PDs, I have read through the DSM and seen how I fit. Unfortunately my memory is absolutely terrible, which means I cannot know for sure if my symptoms a pervasive over years, though I do keep an online journal and should read for clarification. The Tumblr blog "shitborderlinesdo" has compiled many helpful checklists comprised of the diagnostic criteria that have been really helpful in my understanding.

In considering AvPD, I have of course doubted a lot. It's been a "Yes, I have it"/"No, of course not" pattern over the course of about 2 years of my research. Likely it is a mix of my GAD and social phobia and I am seeing it more severe than it is. I am continuing my research.

With PPD, I also worry that I am overstepping my bounds and just exaggerating my anxiety despite completely meeting all diagnostic criteria. This being a mostly new focus of research (I have done a lot of reading on all PDs but mainly focused on AvPD until now) I still have a lot to read and learn before I even decide whether it is worth...

[ Continued ]