Wednesday, September 18, 2013
The "Entitled" generation.

Ahh, The "Entitled" generation, so exactly which generation could we possibly be referring to? Aren't we all a little entitled in our own way? Nope, one generation is more entitled, than others, and it might not even be their fault, per se. That is: The Millennial Generation, AKA Generation Y. Its the generation that just listens to their Ipod blaring thru their head phones, tuning out the rest of the world...It was also the "kids" born between the 1980s & early 2000s, although this is open to debate. Regardless of when exactly they were born, much has been said about this generation lately. From Time Magazine cover stories, to other bloggers and blurbs on CNN, this generation has been getting a lot of media attention.

How many of you have heard kids say "I am awesome" or refer to themselves as a Prince or princess? Or maybe they say "I am the coolest" Or "I am the best friend you will ever have"

Often thought of as the "Me, me, me!!" generation, of self obsessed/selfish, egotistical, entitled youth, who love having things their way. They strongly believe that they are unique, special (Because their mommy always told them they were a prince or princess), don't want to wait for anything and are overly ambitious, feeling that they are better or above everyone else.

These are stereotypes we might have heard a lot of about this generation. So is it true?
Well first off, let me just say that this IS a generalization, meaning it cannot be assumed that every Millennial is like this. There is never a 100% or absolute with any group of people. Also, It should be noted, I am also from this generation, yet I have tried to take a step back, to observe from the outside, both from a personal and professional point of view, while at the same time, I also have a first hand "insiders" experience, being part of this generation myself, so this all adds-contributes to my opinion....Not to side track about myself, but felt it was important to put it out there.

So where do these feelings of entitlement, specialness, and sense of over- uniqueness come from? The answer to that is the Parents...and that would be primarily the baby boomer generation & Generation X.

1-) These parents have told their kids that they are special, above all others....Ever heard a parent say "I have the smartest kids?" Or "My kids are the best!"....Of course every parent thinks their kids are the best, this is natural, but to constantly reinforce that in their kid can be damaging....Also parents tell their kids they can accomplish and achieve anything they put their mind too, often without explaining to them that they need to work their way up the ladder in life, in order to achieve. As good intentioned and well meaning as these parents believe they are, these kids leave their parents nest with a delusional sense of self entitlement instilled in them. Often times they have a major mental crash, when they learn the hard way that the world is a rough place, and they are just another number in the system and are not seen as very unique or special at all. Often they are "put in their place", which can be very mentally and emotionally damaging to their delusional sense of self.

2-) These parents might have also engaged in Over-parenting, which is of course reinforced by the media, creating this false sense that "everyone is a predator, out to harm their kid" and they and their close circle of friends & community are the only good ones. Lets call this the child's "safety comfort zone". This causes an issue when the child gets older and they have to socialize, network or meet people outside of their "safety comfort zone". Issues of not trusting, feeling that they are better or more special than others, come into play here, and often the kid stays in a "familiar, close to home" network. They might rely on their parents. Ever notice this generations lives with their parents after college, at a much higher rate than almost any time in the past? Economic reasons might have something to do with it, but fact is, these kids are scared, and often dependent on the parents, for emotional support, since they never learned how to be independent or rely on other people outside of their "safety comfort zone". A prime example of this "lack of Independence", according to a recent Time magazine article, are that their are less teen drivers than in any previous generation since the automobile was invented! The thoughts related to this that a kid might have are "Why should I learn to drive? My parents take me everywhere!" This of course causes real issues for when the time actually does come for them to be on their own.

3-) Then there is the "Pushy parent". The kind of parent that always has to fill up his/her child's time with everything from soccer practice, to football, or band. A child whose schedule is too overloaded, can actually create feelings of Over-whelment and anxiety in kids, and what happens is they might shut down with everything or even worse, keep doing all these activities, since they feel "The only way to be happy is too be busy" Or "Its my way of pleasing my parents". It is vitally important to have down time, relaxation, a break from things, for both psychological & physical health. With that said Extracurricular activities are actually great! As long as its in moderation. However, on the subject of sports & Extracurricular activities (wow, that's such a long word!), another huge issue which sets the child up for failure in the future is when the parent or coach says "Remember, there are no losers, every one is a winner". This is one more delusional thought parents instill in their children. In reality, in order for winners to succeed, there have to be losers. However just because you lose, does not make you a loser (We learn from our mistakes and losses, of course!). "Losing" is a natural part of life and the child needs to learn this, or they will be in for a rude awaking as they grow up with this "Everyone's a winner" attitude. In fact it is this "Everyone's a winner" attitude that also goes hand & hand with these other delusional feelings that they are special, unique and entitled. Lets also take a look at "You are special". Well, if most parents are telling their kids that they are special or that "They are a prince or princess", it can't be true, can it? We can't ALL be special. If so, than what does special really even mean? Besides, how many little princes and princesses can possibly be running around the USA? The rational answer, is NONE (We are not in the UK, you know!). Once again, instilling this delusional thinking in kid's minds, sets them up for failure and inadequate coping skills to deal with failure or "losing" when it does happen. And it will. Its part of life! On a side note, I find it fascinating when a parent "Insists" that their kid HAS TO get the lead in the school play, since they are just "THAT SPECIAL". What message is that sending to the kid, their sense of entitlement, and how is that going to impact (Most likely) hurt their relationship with their peers, who also want the lead? Its better to just let the kid try out for the play, like everyone, else. If they really are as special and talented as you say, than natural selection will occur, and they will get the part you insisted they get, and all will be well, in fantasyland! If they don't, is being a co-lead really that bad? Maybe your child didn't want all that super star attention you are thrusting on them, on their behalf. Let them decide, what they really want.

4-) Another issue is that today's kids "get away with murder". This is mostly due to parents and their refusal to use discipline for their kid's mistakes. Ever hear that misbehaved child having that tantrum in the restaurant, that you just wish the parent's would do something about? Or the kid that gets into trouble at school, however instead of disciplining them or questioning the kid, the parents go after the teacher, and tries to get them in trouble? Or, when their teenager commits a crime, instead of questioning the child, the parent's confront the police, the prosecutor or the judge? "Oh, it couldn't have been my child!" Well how can it be, when in the parent's eyes, their child can do no wrong? Parent's need to stop displacing their lack of adequate parenting and blaming society for disciplining their kid's for them. If they were doing it themselves, society would not have to punish their kids for them. Ultimately discipline is there help the child, not to hurt them or their self esteem. It is what saves them from real trouble down the road, and ultimately from themselves, and their sense of entitlement and from getting away with murder. Truthfully, I wish Justin Beiber was disciplined better as a child! How we discipline our children, is another topic, for another day. However corporal punishment (beating, punching, using objects) is NEVER the way to go and IS abusive. However we must discipline, set limits/boundaries with our children, and stop making them our "best friends", we must "put them in their place" so to speak... The results will be well worth it.

Phew!!!! Ok, Time to relax and take a deep breath. Maybe even count to 10... Ok read on...

With all that said, Parents however are not the only people to put the blame on here. Another issue fueling these feelings of entitlement is Technology.

The internet, particularly Facebook and Technology in general, have also fostered a sense of instant gratification. They reinforce those feelings of entitlement. Feelings of "I want it now and I can get it now!" are reinforced by being able to get things done with lightning fast internet, information is available at a speed never before seen, by previous generations. This creates issues with patience, another issue with my generation. Of course, this generation might not be aware of or remember that information was not always this available or things could not always be done this easily, which allows them to easily take it for granted. Take the technology away from them, and they are virtually helpless, almost enough to cause an Anxiety attack!! This technology fosters those feelings of dependence and LACK of independence, since they are reliant on the internet for most everything, from researching info, keeping themselves busy-entertained, to communicating with others. Also, here is another disturbing trend: When they are introducing IPAD's into classroom for kindergarten children, that is scary, because the message it is sending is that "They are entitled to an IPAD and have been rewarded with something", without ever having to earn it (The child will see the IPAD as a reward, kind of automatically). Let the child know the real motive that schools use IPAD's: That it is not a reward, but rather an educational Tool to teach them. It is important to also be aware that this can potentially cause dependence at a very young and vulnerable age. This instant gratification that we experience with IPAD's and technology creates a delusion, especially in the young child's mind that they can have anything at the touch of a button (or screen), and can create serious issues with "learning patience" down the road. This might sound silly, but this really should be explained to and processed with them, so they understand, and are able to successfully develop those patience skills. In the real world, they will need it!

To sum up, I am absolutely positive that Parents are doing this all to their kids with their best, loving and well-meaning intentions! There are many reasons why Baby boomers & Generation X might parent this way, many of which are based on their own experiences, even their parent's parenting styles (and their rebelion against their parents' more hard line/tough love parenting style) and may not necessarily even be their fault, but we'll save that for another blog, for another time, or just research it on the internet!... So while it might seem to some that I am intentionally trying to get Parents to "burst the bubble" on their child's world and cause the child great disappointment, its important to remember that the real disappointment is not when the parent's burst the bubble, but rather when the world does! And it will happen, its inevitable. The child will, like so many other delusional children, learn the hard way, that the world does not revolve around them, and that they are no more entitled than any one else! This is the reality. And it is better for them to learn it when they are young, and by their parents, than through anyone else! After all, Parents are the role models for their children and shape/mold their child's perspectives that they carry with them for the rest of their lives. Its important not to set the child up for disappointment, but rather to prepare them, by fostering independence, patience and showing them how to humble themselves to the mercy of the rough world we live in. To sum it up simply: The dialogue should go like this "You have just as much chance as anyone else to succeed if you put your mind to it & do A, B & C, but also have a back up plan in case you do not achieve your first plan", NOT like this "You will succeed, because you are special, because you are you, so aim for the stars and you will achieve everything!!". The 2nd way has no logic to it, is actually kind of mindless/abstract and has no real substance. The 1st way shows rational thought, a plan for success, and humbles the child as being like "anyone else" who can also succeed, but also prepares them if they don't, by coming up with a back up plan.

Bottom line: All of this creates resilience, and at the end of the day makes them a more confident and truly stronger person, who can succeed, even if it is was not at the ideal thing that they originally wanted to, but that's OK. We can't all succeed at everything, all the time. That's reality!

By Dan B.
Psychotherapist in NJ.

I think the wisest thing would always to begin with the back up plan, envestigating this quite well, and reflect upon if this plan isn´t the very best thing to put ones strengt on after all? The "success" plan could be the reserve plan.
This is my thought on this subject.