I've developed a new mood chart... I've been working on designing a chart that encorporates my dazzling array of symptoms into a very simple, visually obvious format. I went for another walk, just to get away from the computer and break up my day a bit. I saw a good profile on a rooming website and emailed the woman. Wouldn't it be nice if I got a nice flatmate soon? Tomorrow I have my pdoc appt and my son's psychologist appt. Why the paediatrician referred him to a psychologist rather than a psychiatrist for early onset bipolar, I'll never know. It annoys me how reluctant some people are to treat psychiatric illnesses in teenagers with medication. My son is struggling and suffering I can see NO benefit of denying him effective medical treatment. I swear by the benefits of psychological intervention; however it is no substitute for the medical treatment required to manage bipolar affective disorder effectively on the biological level, that it undeniably exists on. I could have spoken up more in the consultation with the paediatrician but it had already been an intense consultation re: the ADD.

(My son's father had sent me to my son's parent/teacher interviews, without telling me he had taken our son off his medication. I had been completely confused by my son's scholastic nose dive. My ex agreed that the no-meds trial had been a total disaster that had compromised our son's education at a crucial time - and agreed to put him back on his medication. Good outcome - - - but I WAS pretty annoyed that I had spent 9 years getting my son's condition managed as best as possible - and my ex husband had sabotaged that on a mere whim. I was annoyed when the doctor asked my son if he wanted to take medication and my son said "no"... and the doctor said "he's a teenager, we can't force him". I said "he's a minor, and it is our job to provide adequate healthcare". I asked my son if he was prepared to take his medication and he said "of course I am, it helps me heaps!". So in that context, you can probably see, I was just content to get his ADD management back on course, and wait until next appt to start getting his bipolar management on the right track. *Sigh* It just annoys me how poorly "non-visible" physical illness is handled.)

Gee, it feels great to get that rant out!My son often offers to me, that one thing he appreciates about me, is how I take his wishes into consideration, cut through all the bs and advocate the best outcomes for him. He says it makes him feel loved. I do a lot wrong as a mother, but when he tells me that, I do feel really proud of me, and it warms my heart, the respectful relationship we have.

So how am I? Probably a little lonely. I'm quite reactive atm. I'm really pleased by my mood chart because it is so basic. I'm a little lost, a little at a loose end. There is a smudge of grief involving the ex. There is a little bit of rejection involving the ex-flatmate. The is a bit of irritation with those pesky things we all have to deal with with telcos. I have to make a decision whether to appeal the judgement in the court case I lost. I'm weighing up the pros and cons and whether the benefits of proceeding could outweigh the risks. I'm leaning more towards sucking it up. Rather than proceed via judicial channels (which costs and risks a lot), I'm more likely to pursue the matter via administrative channels, which hopefully may ensure the more structural changes to not just avoid the mistakes in both fact and law that were made, but possibly add to the integrity of the system.

Does it ever amaze you how intensely one feels these personal things that mean jack sh*t to others; that mean jack sh*t to the world at large?? The sun still rises in the morning and sets in the evening and we go through so much emotion over our little patch of experience. I look at worker ants, so determined to carry that load; 10 times their body weight - as if the world will end if they don't continue busting their guts... and I feel those parallels with that effort to insignificance ratio.

Usually my computer would have lost my post by now... Wow... never know, this blog entry may be spared from the cyber "cutting room floor" created by my temperamental puter. Well, enjoy the rest of your weekends and have a great week.

Bye.