Quick one this. Today we have done some washing, cleaned the bath, hoovered put on clean fresh clothes and also eaten well......things seem spookily composed and then we met our neighbour who asked us what we had been up to over the week end and I initially drew a blank, exchanged pleasantries of something and nothing and came inside then the penny dropped - we have spent a good deal of the last couple of days making a card for a nurse. We know we can't see him again and although this is making us sad (littles seeing a paternal figure and teens with a huge crush) we have been all consumed in constructing a card. We have all got involved even W. It feels a little like we are floating about on a cloud and can't wait to go to the health centre tomorrow so that we can deliver the card, the thought that 'he' might open the card and read our letter has left us floating on air. I know It is going to end in tears and I will be the one mopping up.

I am exhausted. We have had an exhausting day followed by a heavy but exhausting sleep. There is too much going on. Nothing I am going to write might seems too tragic or too damaging things; could be a lot worse but it is the endless nature of things that just grinds everything down, I am absolutely exhausted and worn down. Two weeks ago now perhaps three I ended up in some bewilderment with the 'crisis team'. We have been unsupported for some time and had presented at my doctors surgery apparently giving enough concern for the GP to consider we were a risk to ourselves. In the last few weeks we have 'come to' finding we are driving ourselves to the north of Scotland, a couple of weeks later we 'come to' finding we have been working for a parcel delivery firm for 3 days. Today we found ourselves in a car park some miles from home in a very shaky tearful state having just come out of a car showroom 'coming to' at the counter just about to purchase a car for nearly £5000. We thankfully have a number to phone from our community support it was a great help to have someone who is familiar with us to help ground things. This 'coming to' is exhausting. Knowing what is happening then with a flick of a switch becoming aware of it and actually not want to be doing it at all. In the car park this afternoon I had some concern about our ability to get back home safely. We had gone into shock. When we did get home we fell into what could best be described as a heavy yet disturbed sleep, unconscious but still going through sh*t. Awake more tired than when we went to sleep. Hence this blog. Put all down somewhere, get it out there then perhaps we can have some more useful rest.

I can recount most of the events of the last few days because some things are written down. This is helpful when landing up at the health centre to be faced with the question 'how have you been'. (We are down to twice weekly visits). So, I know that on Saturday we were down, very down and on Sunday morning we were up, very excited and on Sunday evening there was a lot of upset resulting in some new and unpleasant fragments emerging. Sunday evening is not written down the details remain internal, it concerns some of the youngest and bravest amongst us but now it is also in our adult consciousness which I am hoping is a good thing. (Trying not to name people at the moment as things are so busy wondering who is doing what and when or what action is the results of somebodies overt/covet influence seems to add to difficulties rather than remove them). I am concerned about control at the moment but have some security in knowing that we have both internal and external strategies to keep us from physical harm. Things are #######5 right now but we will be ok. We will be ok. I thank another forum member for giving me this mantra we use it a lot. Simple but effective 'We will be ok' repeat.

I am only just really getting used to these littles. Sometimes looking after the littles seems to take over. It sometimes feels like it is making things worse rather than better.

This week me and my SO flew to Bruges. The flight attendant came round with the inflight sales magazine. I really wanted some wine gums, had been craving them so looked at the sweet page. On the bottom of the sweet page was an advert for a 'Lucky Bag'. I kept looking at it, it was triggering something but I didn't realise what. Then the internal dialogue started, it was the negotiating. There are no wine gums but there are chewy sweets. We can't have the fizzy ones because they are not good for the littles so how about we get the none fizzy ones and a piece of cake. Can I have a lucky bag? Ok if they have a lucky bag we will get that and then we can also have the fizzy sweets. If no lucky bag then the none fizzy sweets and a piece of cake. Then there was a worry that if there was no lucky bag then we would be crying. I notice my SO looking at me with some concern and I can hear a Little person trying to ask the flight lady for a Lucky Bag and handing over a purse to my SO saying 'this has got some pounds in, it doesn't matter if they don't have a lucky bag we won't cry' the little person is pointing at the picture of the lucky bag in the magazine. The flight attendant is struggling to understand, the little person pointing at a picture, 'I want the pink one'. I am feeling distressed I take my right hand and pinch my left ear lobe hard - I feel nothing. I give myself a sharp slap across my face. I am back, I explain internally that we can't be out on a plane we can play with the bag later. I ask my SO to put the pink lucky bag in her bag. I feel like I have just been transported back from another dimension, am uncertain of how long I have been away, I think it was just minutes but am unsure. Then the tears start.

Fast forward 2 days. I am in a market place, there is a Christmas song playing. Suddenly there are lots of tears, jump, on a bus there is a Christmas song playing there are lots of tears, jump, we are in the airport I speak to a man in French he is dismissive of me, we are suddenly feeling shame, we are eating lots of sweets, we need to eat sweets. We are back home in a pub. My SO says to me are you happier now you are back home? I reply not really (I had been dreading coming home) she says well today has been weird - all that crying and stuffing your face with sweets. I am aware that I am looking blank. I can't connect with this crying person. SO 'Was that you or are you just avoiding talking about it?' I still have no reply because I don't know. I can not see through the fog I can only see what is now. It does concern me that my SO is struggling with this. She wants M to disappear. She doesn't like the tears and the anxiety.

I am learning about triggers. The littles get overexcited at times and I am struggling to control this, it was the Lucky Bag on this occasion and being given permission to have something nice. M it would seem is triggered by Christmas music and also a particular tone of male voice. It was about 12 months ago that we tripped out completely for several hours after being handed a large bill for a car repair by a very dismissive man, ended up in A and E. Where has that 12 months gone. This is exhausting.

PS When we were in Bruges we bought Annie a pink elephant, the lucky bag remains unopened but we know it is there for when we need it.

Thinking a lot about living with this thing and how it affects us. I am writing this now thinking I know quite clearly that I am me. I do know that there was another me here this morning who was speaking to our SO on the phone and was in floods of tears and feeling terrible about something but I feel fine. I can see those bits but feel no connection to them. We spent an afternoon with 'my mother' some of the others just call her the old woman. These visits are always difficult. When we return we can never be sure how we are going to be and when we are there things can go from being fine to being difficult really quickly. Sometimes I just want to say to people, by people I think I mean the family this is how it is I cannot just be. When we came back this time someone decided we needed to go to the doctors, the doctors visit generally doesn't happen because by the time we get up in the morning we don't know what we wanted to go for and even if we write it down we don't understand the urgency. This time we don't know how our GP will take it if we turn up with a hand written note that says 'I think we need help we are living with a witch'. This to me sounds like we are starting with some kind of psychosis and anticipate that this is also how it will be taken by the GP who doesn't know us at all. Hopefully get new T in New Year. Really exhausted.

I am not sure what the proper word for this is but we feel like we have transitioned. The state of the world has changed. After months of feeling really fluid, uncertain, damaging stuff including ourselves, not sleeping, feeling like there has been nobody in charge etc etc things suddenly seem like they have fallen into place. The last week things have been different we have been overtired and very sleepy, we have been sleeping through the night and if we have had to get up it has felt almost as if we have been medicated although we haven't, we have not slept like this for years. We have been locked out of the internal world unable to see I think that lots of stuff has been going on internally whilst I have slept. Prior to this we had been considering a merger and unsure if this was a good thing or not. In practice I don't think 'I' have had any control over it, we have to grow and develop this can't be stopped by my fear. I have some concern that things are a little too settled. But that is me I do get anxious about this stuff. I think I have to know that it is ok to take a back seat as the constant worry and anxiety about things does not help. I have been grieving. I have been very down. This sadness will not just leave. I have had a lot of sadness in my life but we cannot let this hold us down. I have shared some of this sadness with other members of the system recently and it has been ok. We have a song at the moment that we all seem to like it is called Drawing Pins - it beautifully describes how things have been over the last few months in the system. We can see a light at the end of a tunnel.

Drawing Pins (Nothing but Thieves)

Every light is blinding
Evey minute lasts all day
Every thought is fighting
They're not falling into place
I'm held down by drawing pins
They pierce the skin
Lights are on but no one's in
When you talk
I don't feel like I belong
Here at all
Tell me what you did it
What you did it
What you did it for
Cos I can't figure it out
What you did it
What you did it
What you did it for
Cos I can't figure it out
I could use some Magick
C'mon Crowley, let me in
I'm held down by drawing pins
They pierce the skin
I try not to fall asleep
When you talk
I don't think like I belong
Here at all
Tell me what you did it
What you did it
What you did it for
Cos I can't figure it out
What you did it
What you did it
What you did it for
Cos I can't figure it out
What do I have to do
To be loved, loved by you
What do I have to do
To be loved, loved by you
What do I have to do
To be loved, loved by you
What do I have to do
To be loved, loved by you
Tell me what you did it
What you did it
What you did it for
Cos I can't figure it out
What you did it
What you did it
What you did it for
Cos I can't figure it out
What do I have to do
To be loved, loved by you