Hi, this is my first blog. During the past couple of days I have been searching online about personality disorders. I've always known I've been different and I think I've known for a long time that there's potentially something wrong with me mentally. Searching through various PDs, the one that seems most like me is Schizoid Personality Disorder. I'm under 18 so I can't be diagnosed yet (you must be 18) but I am 95% sure I have it.

I go to college 3 days a week and I have a friendship group but they are constantly asking me what's wrong and to smile and talk more. It's not that I don't like them, its just that I'd rather not be with them as I find most people are different to me and don't understand me. It's not that I'm sad, I'm just content. I do laugh and smile sometimes, but normally I'm faking it - I just feel dead on the inside. I have 2 weekdays off and I never socialise outside of college. My days off are spent alone in my room watching films and surfing the net. People call me a loner but I don't like this word because it implies I'm lonely, when that's not the case - I just simply prefer being alone. I can't stand saturdays and sundays because my mum and her boyfriend are home all day and I feel uneasy whenever around other people.

When people show me pictures of their cats or new puppy or their baby I just stare at them bleakley. I don't understand why people react with an "aww" - I don't get this reaction at all, although sometimes I knows its the social protocol so I do it anyway. I did well in high school, achieving A*s and As, but I had no feelings whatsoever when I saw these results - in fact when I got home I didn't celebrate, I spent 3 hours cleaning the kitchen because I felt that was more important. Today I told my friend I think I have SPD. She agreed it does sound like me and that 'my friends' have spoken about me behind my back about how cold and emotionless I come across as. This didn't bother me though because I knew if they weren't talking about it, they were thinking it.

I've been like this for a long time, people at high school used to shout "depressed!" and "pyscho!" at me. I remember when I was 11 years old and my dad told me him and my mum were divorcing I didn't feel anything. I cried in the morning because I felt that was how I should react - when really I couldn't care less. Another example is when my boyfriend cheated on me - didn't feel anything towards it, but I gave him a hard time anyway because I knew that was how I was supposed to react.

I laugh, cry, dance and feel a whole range of emotions, but only when I'm on my own, and only sometimes. I can't be comfy or have a good time around other people - I just hate it. I don't understand them, and they don't understand me. It sure sounds like Schizoid Personality Disorder but for now I have to wait a couple of years until I can be diagnosed.

If anyone else agrees this sounds like SPD, please comment and leave anything additional you want to say. I want to know how to cope with mental illness as I'm too young to receive a diagnosis or treatment. Thanks