End of long week, start of vacation. Had some stuff to do after our last class so when I finally went to have a meal anyone I know had left. Saw a girl I've seen so rarely this fall I though she had quited the school walk by - smile&greet as she passed. Found myself empty table.

..2 minutes later she sneaks to me and asks me to join her rather than sit by myself. Figured I may as well. I've so far only met her in some school circles - honestly can't even remember her name.. Short introduction to her classmate who left soon after. Apparently she had switched course (in the great world beyond the pond I think they're called majors? Regardless) to graphics design which is why I hadn't seen her with her old class. We had nice, long chat about comics, manga, weird tv-shows, game careers and other oddities. At some point she asked why I was sitting alone, that didn't my class end at half-past eleven.

..which is the oddity part from my perspective. Her classes aren't in same side of the building as ours, so she would had known that only if she'd looked at our schedule. I admit doing that few times after meeting people I like from other classes. Sort of better chance to 'accidently' bumb into them. Suppose I'm not alone doing that then..?

Add oddity part two; when we left she repacked her bags, handing me her sketchbook to hold while she was doing it. I joked about looking through her work, which she just happily agreed to. Now, I'm not sure how people elsewhere see idea of letting other people see their sketchbooks. But up here north with withdrawn people most, if not all, on our culture-side get upset or unease if anyone even moves their sketchbooks - frankly I don't like showing my works to others unless I've been sketching something for a groupwork or such. She just seemed happy to chat about her works. o_oa

So, that was interesting day.

Optimists don't understand, or want to understand people they deem pessimists. For them being always wishful, happy, curious, whatever they claim as "optimistic" is only way to live, and every other view is wrong and needs to be fixed.

I've always been pessimistic. That however doesn't mean I'd give up just because "it's going to fail anyway, so why bother". I expect things to bad, so I make sure to do best I can - while being ready for getting kicked down. Negative kicks are far easier to handle. Positive events seem even more unreal and good, than if you had expected it.

I'll give real life example: theory test in school. I usually don't bother reading for them. Go, and do best you can. Be pessimistic of the results; be fine and accept it if the score is low as you expected, be surprised and genuinely happy if score is higher than you expected.

How is that something that needs 'fixing'?

Frankly I'm not sure if I even fall in category "pessimist"; optimist I clearly am not, rather something between pessimist and realist. They need to invent new isms between each..

I'll always love quote of Lewton in Discworld Noir: "Pessimism is a term used by optimists to attempt to discredit those who see the world as it really is."

Although another quote I always find amusing is from Moonspell's Heartshaped Abyss: "Never resist; the lifelong pessimist; he is the leader; and not the enemy".

Doubt I'd make good leader. Although I didn't get much negative feedback from my last attempt in it with 'coordinator' for tutors in our school, something I requested while being BP's happyhappy moodswing. Ask right questions, make sure your flock is prepared for things to go worse than they optimisticly expect, let them run free while watching from the shadows how they'll do, and if there's something you need step out for - either for making their wacky plans slow down, or having to negotiate their plans with next higher step in the system.

I don't know, does that sound like good leading strategy?

Oh, look, special day worth of multiple entries.

Just had another chat where receiving end was confused why I'd like to hug her. Hiding behind her "I've got a boyfriend/not interested".. Look, I want to hug you, not ###$ you.. =="

What is it with people.. When you're kid it's okay to play with girls. When you go to school, it suddenly changes into something to bully about. Add few more years and "being friends with girls" means pretty much you're in relationship. Add even few more years, and just trying to be friend with a girl is instantly excused by current relationship status.

I recall my chat with mental health nurse, who's opinion was that it doesn't make a difference that my social skills are basically built on behaviour accepted in interwebs. Clearly it is not. With people I've known for years over the interwebs - as well as most of the new met - getting a *hug.* is received well - sort of imaginary show of affection. Try that with anyone you've just recently met irl - even over messenger of some sorts it's received with suspicion and misread for something entirely different..

And all I want is a goddamn hug. I'd be happier for a irl one, but 'imaginery' ones work almost as well to boost my mental state. =-=;

Partially because I had a requst of new entry. But also because I feel like sharing something:

First time in months - if not years - I felt like belonging in a group today. It's amazing how little it actually takes for that; we had an event of eating in restaurant (which was great: the food was better than my usual daily meal, reasonably priced and I had opportunity to chat about one of the projects I'd like to do at school), leaving I overheard an 'acquaintance' inviting people I know over to continue the evening with board games at his place. So politely&round-about-way I asked if the invitation stood for myself as well. To put it shortly "yes."

Walking at his place we passed by my place and since they were talking about getting some drinks, I volunteered to grab my bottles along. Un-surprisingly that was agreed to happily. So, de-tour, grab a packbag full of alcohol with me (I was quite aware they wouldn't drink all of it - but providing options seemed a reasonable idea :p).

What followed was first suspicious/reserved couple of hours of board games with people trying to figure out if I was seriously offering them full bottle of vodka and some rum just for heck of it. That turned quite fast into 5+ hours of laughs, arguments and generally amazing time over board games -with alcohol to making everyone bit more eased. I admit it; I made fool of myself again. After few times of low selfesteem going nuts over it, now I have to agree that I should rather laugh at myself with others than let them just laugh at me. I sort of tried to make a pun of a common joke, that sort of backfired, which was still hilarious to the group. If they want me to be remembered by a pun, so be it.

I know I suck at making friends, but this time I feel like I improved, even if so slightly. I have had an assignment of interviewing someone for workplace ergonomics, and so far I haven't managed even asking someone for it - idea of bothering someone at their work to get my assignment done - with serious social anxiety - is just too much for me, but I won't get points of the class if I don't turn it in. So because the acquaintance mentioned above is working in a game studio, I asked if he'd like to help me with it.. To put it shortly the answer was "sure." That's another long dragged along stress causer fixed before the semester ends.

As for spending alcohol to making friends.. A while ago I had a conversation with my new mental health nurse about social anxiety, meeting new people - and alcohol. And her opinion was that I could use a bit more of alcohol for that goal. And that's with considering my father, and probably my grand-father also are alcoholics - or more likely to get addicted to substances. So in my opinion using few bottles of fine alcohols seems worth it now.

Also, it'a fullmoon again. I don't care what people say about it being superstition; 90% of fullmoons correlate with my hypos or sleeping problems. As the luck had it, window at his place had a view of the moon - I have ot admit I occasionally tuned out of their chatting just to stare at the moon..

Think I've got quite interesting variation of rapid cycling; few weeks of hypo, followed by 1~2 months of "normal", ending with few days or up to week of depression - repeat. And considering my medication right now is merely for preventing depression, I can't say I'd disagree over it so far.

How do you deal with over the top self critique? Think that's something I've picked up from my sister - nothing you do is ever enough. She wasn't happy scoring perfect for gradution - with diplomas - twice.

I just can't put together CV/portfolio of my works because honestly I can't think of more than 1 or 2 things I'd be proud of.. and that's with dozens of projects or concepts I've worked on over the year alone. Teachers keep expecting great things from me, I keep making up good concepts (or at least the teachers keep telling me so) - and still I can't find any satisfaction from them..

*Sigh.*