I am now down from 60 mg paxil to 20 mg. I have been a little irritable but not as bad as it could be. I have been weaning off very slowly.

So far for DBT (2nd meeting) I met one on one again with the therapist and she gave my a journal form and a list of emotions to check off for each day. This is supposed to help the therapist know me better, help me reflect, and possibly uncover any patterns. Other than that uneventful.

My husband and I did back to back deployments during our first year of marriage. He deployed for 7 months, and then I did 8 months. We missed each other by 2 weeks. By the time I was coming home he was receiving a medical discharge for retinitis pigmentosa. I came home and immediately got a full time job with General Dynamics. It was a good job I made $19 an hour plus more with travel pay. I quite after 5 months. I felt like I wasn't performing as good as I should have been. I didn't like traveling alone and being away from him.

After that we moved to Louisiana to be with his family. He started abusing alcohol, xanax, painkillers, cocaine, ecstasy, possibly other drugs. I didn't understand why he was this way. He became mean, belligerent, and occasionally abusive. I was choked once for taking away a bottle of vodka. It got so bad that during an argument I had a complete break down. Like a panic attack and a sudden need to escape. To end the pain. I grabbed a bottle of wine, xanax, Tylenol, sleeping pills, cough syrup, anything else that was available and overdosed. Nick didn't take me to the hospital. He tried to induce vomiting and took care of me at home. Meanwhile he continued to drink. I don't remember much. I remember being put in the shower and later waking up on the bathroom floor with a toilet wand tangled in my hair. He told me that I had also tried to cut my throat with a broken glass.

I took four days to recover. I was still weak but we. Decided I needed help. I went to the VA and told them what I had done. Immediately they called security and took me via ambulance to the hospital. After I was cleared I was driven two hours away to another VA hospital and locked up in a psych ward for three days. It was traumatic. I was scared and felt like a lost child. I had everything including my clothes taken away from me. The first night they had a nurse standing watch in case I tried to hurt myself. I was the only female there. The rest of the patients were these old black Vietnam vets. I didn't talk to any of them because I thought they were Crazy. Eventually one of em broke the ice and I got a little more comfortable. Nick didn't call, or visit. When I was released he couldn't come get me cause he was drunk. The VA shuttled me home. I got home and he was extremely drunk and messed up. I was so messed up I cried and screamed and yelled at him. Then I hid in the bedroom. This was my first suicide attempt.

Here I am going to share some of my history. I am actually sharing it with a friend I am talking to but I will post here as well. Maybe others can relate.

I am 26. I was diagnosed shortly after my last suicide attempt. My husband and I got into an argument over groceries ( stupid I know) he buys junk food but I wanted to buy and prepare healthier food. We are struggling financially. I was passed. He wouldn't apologize. Ignored me like nothing happened. I took it that he didn't care and overdosed on pills. While in the psych ward they referred me to DBT and another therapist because of my multiple suicide attempts. This happened recently so I am still learning about BPD. I will be going to my 2nd DBT session this Tuesday.

Anyways I have difficulty controlling my anger, have major depression disorder, general anxiety with panicky attacks, easily bored, easily offended/hurt, impulsive, there are other things I have issues with but I can't think of them all right now. I m a little distracted right now.

I used to isolate and withdraw when I was young. My father was an alcoholic, verbally, and emotionally abusive. I clearly remember being told that I was only a guest in his house. As I got into my teens he told me all of the conditions that would get me disowned. My mom worked second shift so she was not around. To avoid my dad I hid in my room. His state of mind could change on a dime. One minute happy, the next angry because of something I said or did. Had no self esteem, confidence, no friends, loner at school. By 8th grade I sat alone at lunch because I no longer wanted to be around people. Came home, went straight to my room or took the dog for a walk.

Moving on. I joined the navy to run away from my hopeless situation. Was ok for 3 years. Built up my confidence and independence. Then I got sent to Kuwait. My command was toxic. Backstabbing, throwing ppl under the bus. Friends turned on each other. Etc. I was unable to isolate in this environment. I turned to venting with my closest friends. This led me to be confrontational instead of avoiding. By the time I came home I would blow up into a rage if I felt like I was being wronged. And if ignored I would withdraw and self harm.

Will write more later. I have been thru a lot and I am condensing it.keeping the major highlights.

Well today I saw my new psych and was introduced to a new therapist. I have officially had BPD added to my Dx. First meeting in DBt has consisted of getting to know my background, how I react to situations, and to explain what brought me to them. Just a lot of info giving. I have been hospitalized 3 times for suicide which is why I was brought to their attention.

Also I will add my weight loss/paxil struggle information to this blog. When I started paxil I was a lean 140 lbs. Now I am an overweight 167 lbs. This is while on 40 and then later 60 mg of paxil. Today I finally decided to get off paxil and try something else. I tried Prozac a year ago but after two weeks returned to paxil. I suffered severe withdrawal and didn't give Prozac enough time. This time I will wean off of paxil while going on to Wellbutrin. So my weight loss and paxil struggle begin again!