Yesterday was a complete wash. I'm in a wierd place of the "blah's." Not depressed, just "blah" (that's so descriptive, I know).

My "routine" for about the last month has been to rise early (usually by 6am), grab my coffee, journal for a few hours, do a workout video, read, take nap, make a call or two, watch some tv, then off to bed. Not exactly the most exciting of routines, but heck, it was a way to have a "decent day" and go to bed each night satisfied that I'd not spent the day focused on what I don't have in my life, but making today's "here and now" a bit pleasurable.

The last two weeks have been a bit more hectic with the jury duty and mom's visit. Haven't journaled in those weeks. Actually coming on here to vet my feelings and read others' words took the place of my solitary journaling time, which is ok... and a bit more social since on here I'm interacting with others.

But I'm in this rut of missing the boyfriend (LW- you know the story as I puked it out in my other thread to you). In a situation with him where there's nothing I can really do but go on living and let destiny play out as it will. Am pretty proud of myself that I'm not wallowing in self-pity about it and also not behaving neurotically like I have tended to in the past with man-problems (relentless texts, emails, calls, etc). So I'm actually handling it pretty well. Just wish I wouldn't miss him. Makes my heart ache. I think of him every day, many many times a day. It's not destructive or negative dwelling... just that dang missing. Sometimes I wonder to myself why, if I'm as attractive as others claim (I have all of my life looked about 10 years younger than my actual age because I usually have trendy haircuts and dress a bit younger...not pretending not to be my age, but not wearing clothing that screams "mom" or "40" at you), and I am relatively intelligent (well, at least others seem to think so), and I'm independent (successfully lived on my own since my divorce 10 years ago and not obsessed with having men in my life to take care of me).... why is it, exactly, that I'm still alone? Don't get me wrong... I think if I really just wanted a man to latch onto I could go to a bar and grab onto one that would find me mildly interesting and would date me.... but I'm a bit more choosy than that. I want someone to SHARE life with... especially now that I'm in a really good place and have forgiven myself for my mistakes of the past, know who I am and what direction I'm going in life. I want a man in my life that I can be best friends with; a partner with; who I can navigate life's ups and downs with. Thought I found that with the love who's away with PTSD. He really fit the bill on many of those levels, but he's got to work through his own issues right now, so... *sigh* Don't know why I'm really blathering about this. Am relatively happy with everything lately and in a very very good place... the best I've been in my whole life. So life's not miserable or unfulfilling.... just, well, not complete I suppose. But love's not one of those things you can chase. If you seek it, you'll never ever find it... it has to run smack into you. I DO know that. Everytime I've been all caught up in loneliness or dwelled on the fact I don't have a man in my life and I kind of force the issue and do things to seek one out, it NEVER EVER works.

Sheesh. Well, that's today's little rant. Not sure why it all came falling out. Guess I'm just wondering out loud. (Snap out of it, Koshka!!!!......smack!)

Well, thanks for listening, if you read this.
Happy Thursday, all
-K

(((hugs for your sore heart babe)))

Thanks, luv Boy, yesterday was ICK. Today's not quite as bad, thank goodness!!