I made an entry yesterday, but seems it got lost in cyberspace... oh well.

Today I logged onto my uni's website and saw that my courses were unlocked, so I spent the morning printing assignments and plastering my class calendar with assigments and due dates (I'm a visual person, so if'n it's not written down, brain TOTALLY forgets). Very excited to start these two courses. One is Biological Psychology (ick... I stink at biology!) and Deviant Behavior (woohoo... interesting stuff!!). The class in Deviant Behavior is an 8-week accelerated course with 5 papers due, a midterm and final, and covers 2-3 chapters per week, so it's going to be fast and furious. I think I like moving mental mountains with spoons... lol. Never shy away from the insurmountable, I say!

Learning and education is like crack to my brain... I LOVE THE STUFF. So right now I'm happier than a pig in poo... nice visual... lol.

Today is the 4th of July holiday, so I think I shall christen my electric grill (that just sounds wierd). Read up on info on the grill and found out I can get some flavored wood chips to add some "real grill" flavor to things. So if I find an open store that sells 'em, I'm going to grab some.

And, in keeping with my electronic-everything, I think I will watch some fireworks on tv tonight... hey, at least I won't get bitten by bugs that way...lmao!

Happy Monday, all!
-K

So yesterday, once I realized my hormonal state and stopped thinking I was somehow losing ground and slipping backwards after so much progress I got a burst of energy and went out and purchased a shiny pretty electric grill for my deck (not exactly my idea of grilling, but the fire codes at the apartment here outlaw every form of grilling except for electric since some goobers would burn down the place if allowed an open flame). Cleaned the living crap out of my house (I'm ocd'ishly neat and love love love it when my house is orderly....my own little way of exacting control in my bubble...lol) house in order = life in order (errr... that's what I rationalize...hahaha.

So everything in my neat little world seemed calm and orderly and clean.

Classes are starting up on Tuesday, so my brain is about to finally have some entertainment. Spent the morning perusing the net to find some volunteer opportunities to get me out of this house since my classes are online. Also browsed a book of classes being offered in the various arts and found a beginner's ballet class that caught my eye. For the 40-60 age range, so it looks like it would be a relaxed "just get out of the house" type deal which would be right up my alley. Feeling all good about wanting to get off my butt....

....and then.....

On the bf front, with all the "missing" going on lately there's been a little inner-sigh, if you will. Getting aggitated at the fact that he seems so at ease dropping all contact. Know logically that's not it... it's the PTSD. Usually feel all strong about it all and tell myself that I'm ok with it taking years for him to sort himself out. Then (usually during that monthly hormone barrage) I'll get a case of myself and get disgusted. Just about the point where I throw my hands up in disgust about the lack of contact, he contacts me. Today i got a text from him about wanting to sort out our cell phone contract (before his crash we were intending to move in together, so we both got new phones and went in on a family phone plan). Just to clarify... I NEVER EVER get money or finances entangled with men... this is NOT in my character. I do watch all these goofy afternoon court shows where the girls get all wrapped up with these rotating boyfriends they move in and out with and totally mess up their finances and try to sue the guys.... THIS IS NOT ME. The second we signed the contract I got jittery... then *kapow!* the PTSD explosion. So I am guessing he wants to sort out paying the penalties and nixxing the combined phone plan. Ugh. It's logically a good move... if we're not together (we're two states away from one another right now) there is NO SENSE in having any facet of our finances combined. But still, there's a twinge of pain there inside me as this is another step of pulling apart. When someone has PTSD it always gets bad before it gets better... I know this. I'm really ok with it all and do understand, logically, what's going on.... but oh, that damn twinge of heartache. Part of me just wants to fast forward 2 years and have us together and having worked it all out.

Ok, enuff beotching for the day. Just wanted to spit it out. Thought it would make me feel better. Not really sure that it does. Still have that heavy feeling in my chest that happens when I'm upset about something. Hmmm.... maybe I should scream or something.... I need a release.

Tomorrow the hormones will be back to normal.... THANK GOD.

Hmm... well, seems I'm not losing my mind... my nosedive into the blah-blah's is apparently hormone driven. Monthly gift visited upon me today. You'd think after decades and decades of this once-a-month event, I would REMEMBER that every 25 days or so my hormones go bonkers. Slow learner.

So before I realized that my hormones were exploding I decided to call up a good friend I'd dropped contact with during the last month of BP dx craziness. Apparently my love's ex wife is not only bombarding my love with "omg, I just realized I really do love you" emails twice a day (for the last month), she's also trying to woo my other friend with "you know, you're the type of man I've always dreamed of" emails. (Mind you, these people in my life are thousands of miles apart and this woman has somehow managed to invade my life in an indirect way like this for the last 20 years... too long to explain... it's like this wierd 6-degrees thing I can't seem to escape). Anyhow, I lost it and bawled my eyes out. Not only is she messing with my love when he's fragile, he's completely unaware that she's up to her old tricks (for the record, while they were married she had 12 affairs that he had proof of). I cried not because I was wallowing in pity, but because this woman is just the epitome of the type of women that give all women a bad rep. I can't even begin to list all of the psychological issues this woman personifies. Unfortunately this mess of a woman is the mother of my love's child, so she'll be screwing with him for the next few decades.

No, I can't pick the simple men to fall for... I pick the ones with messes to fall in love with.

Grrrrrrrr.

Oh well. At least I know my last two days of crap attitude is hormones. Man, I can't wait for menopause.... bring on the hotflashes.... I'm ready to be done with this monthly nonsense!!!!!

Yesterday was a complete wash. I'm in a wierd place of the "blah's." Not depressed, just "blah" (that's so descriptive, I know).

My "routine" for about the last month has been to rise early (usually by 6am), grab my coffee, journal for a few hours, do a workout video, read, take nap, make a call or two, watch some tv, then off to bed. Not exactly the most exciting of routines, but heck, it was a way to have a "decent day" and go to bed each night satisfied that I'd not spent the day focused on what I don't have in my life, but making today's "here and now" a bit pleasurable.

The last two weeks have been a bit more hectic with the jury duty and mom's visit. Haven't journaled in those weeks. Actually coming on here to vet my feelings and read others' words took the place of my solitary journaling time, which is ok... and a bit more social since on here I'm interacting with others.

But I'm in this rut of missing the boyfriend (LW- you know the story as I puked it out in my other thread to you). In a situation with him where there's nothing I can really do but go on living and let destiny play out as it will. Am pretty proud of myself that I'm not wallowing in self-pity about it and also not behaving neurotically like I have tended to in the past with man-problems (relentless texts, emails, calls, etc). So I'm actually handling it pretty well. Just wish I wouldn't miss him. Makes my heart ache. I think of him every day, many many times a day. It's not destructive or negative dwelling... just that dang missing. Sometimes I wonder to myself why, if I'm as attractive as others claim (I have all of my life looked about 10 years younger than my actual age because I usually have trendy haircuts and dress a bit younger...not pretending not to be my age, but not wearing clothing that screams "mom" or "40" at you), and I am relatively intelligent (well, at least others seem to think so), and I'm independent (successfully lived on my own since my divorce 10 years ago and not obsessed with having men in my life to take care of me).... why is it, exactly, that I'm still alone? Don't get me wrong... I think if I really just wanted a man to latch onto I could go to a bar and grab onto one that would find me mildly interesting and would date me.... but I'm a bit more choosy than that. I want someone to SHARE life with... especially now that I'm in a really good place and have forgiven myself for my mistakes of the past, know who I am and what direction I'm going in life. I want a man in my life that I can be best friends with; a partner with; who I can navigate life's ups and downs with. Thought I found that with the love who's away with PTSD. He really fit the bill on many of those levels, but he's got to work through his own issues right now, so... *sigh* Don't know why I'm really blathering about this. Am relatively happy with everything lately and in a very very good place... the best I've been in my whole life. So life's not miserable or unfulfilling.... just, well, not complete I suppose. But love's not one of those things you can chase. If you seek it, you'll never ever find it... it has to run smack into you. I DO know that. Everytime I've been all caught up in loneliness or dwelled on the fact I don't have a man in my life and I kind of force the issue and do things to seek one out, it NEVER EVER works.

Sheesh. Well, that's today's little rant. Not sure why it all came falling out. Guess I'm just wondering out loud. (Snap out of it, Koshka!!!!......smack!)

Well, thanks for listening, if you read this.
Happy Thursday, all
-K

Yesterday mom and I woke up with intentions of going down to the historic district and bumming around at the shops and having coffee, but she woke up with a huge toothache that was hurting her whole head. After some calls to the dentist, I had to drive her back home so she could go to her dentist for an emergency appointment. Good thing we got her up there... they removed a dental bridge in her mouth and ended up having to pull 2 teeth that had decayed under the bridge. This weekend is a holiday weekend, so had we not have gotten her back home, she'd have had to wait till next Tues or Wed to see the dentist. She was upset at having to go back home, but I reassured her that she could come back down... think Dad was most glad to have her back... he seems to not be able to function without her. She was only gone 4 days and he'd piled up dishes and laundry (he comes from that generation where the man earns the money and the wife takes care of the home...which makes for a messy house when she leaves...lol).

So I had 4 hours in the car to do nothing other than turn up the music, puff on some ciggies (my last vice) and try not to think (yeah, try THAT one!). LW- in your blog post you made a reference about me being the driver in control of my emotional car... which is TOO ironic. Yesterday as I drove I found my thoughts drifting to the boyfriend and how he's not here with me and all that we were supposed to be doing together now that he's back from Iraq. At first I was kind of yelling at myself to knock it off, then I decided to just let the feelings come out... no better time to shed a few tears and buck up than on a long drive. So I was feeling lonely yesterday. It wasn't depression... I guess it was just, for lack of a better word, "wistful." I'm ok with being alone and my direction in life, but I still do miss him. Missing him is ok... can't just wall off my heart because that's not healthy. Just wish that missing him didn't make my heart ache. Feel very helpless that I can't help him get through his PTSD, but the reality is that there's not a dang thing I can do.

Grrrr. So today I'm kinda ho-hum. Not sad, not happy... just a bit of ho-hum.