Yesterday mom and I woke up with intentions of going down to the historic district and bumming around at the shops and having coffee, but she woke up with a huge toothache that was hurting her whole head. After some calls to the dentist, I had to drive her back home so she could go to her dentist for an emergency appointment. Good thing we got her up there... they removed a dental bridge in her mouth and ended up having to pull 2 teeth that had decayed under the bridge. This weekend is a holiday weekend, so had we not have gotten her back home, she'd have had to wait till next Tues or Wed to see the dentist. She was upset at having to go back home, but I reassured her that she could come back down... think Dad was most glad to have her back... he seems to not be able to function without her. She was only gone 4 days and he'd piled up dishes and laundry (he comes from that generation where the man earns the money and the wife takes care of the home...which makes for a messy house when she leaves...lol).

So I had 4 hours in the car to do nothing other than turn up the music, puff on some ciggies (my last vice) and try not to think (yeah, try THAT one!). LW- in your blog post you made a reference about me being the driver in control of my emotional car... which is TOO ironic. Yesterday as I drove I found my thoughts drifting to the boyfriend and how he's not here with me and all that we were supposed to be doing together now that he's back from Iraq. At first I was kind of yelling at myself to knock it off, then I decided to just let the feelings come out... no better time to shed a few tears and buck up than on a long drive. So I was feeling lonely yesterday. It wasn't depression... I guess it was just, for lack of a better word, "wistful." I'm ok with being alone and my direction in life, but I still do miss him. Missing him is ok... can't just wall off my heart because that's not healthy. Just wish that missing him didn't make my heart ache. Feel very helpless that I can't help him get through his PTSD, but the reality is that there's not a dang thing I can do.

Grrrr. So today I'm kinda ho-hum. Not sad, not happy... just a bit of ho-hum.

I'm sorry that you are grieving, I'm also comfy with the fact that you feel safe to grieve and gave yourself that time to grieve in real time. I really don't want to be the devil's advocate here, but are you sure that there has been no stone unturned with your ex? Or is it just outright rejection on his part that leaves you with no place but to accept his decision? Did you talk to your Mum about it? (Given that he's had a place in your heart for about 26yrs, I assume she knows about him and the situation). Why I went down that road was because you used the word "supposed", which lead me to think "What are the factors standing in Koshka's way to accept that she is not doing all those things she planned to do with her loved one, now he is home?". I don't want to rush "acceptance" for you - it is something that comes in it's own time and it can't be manufactured. I'm merely saying as a friend "I'm here for you". What are you planning to do with your remaining hols now that you are down one mother? Reading those books?

Well, I think I'm done with the difficult process of grieving... it's just every now and again I have the "missing him" thoughts. I know that's not odd... it's actually healthy. You can't realistically wipe someone completely from your mind and heart, so I know there will be times when I think of him. I just have to be mindful not to let myself spiral into a downward freefall of sadness... just feel it and get through it. Yes, mom's aware of the situation. Actually the 5 or 6 people I have close to me in my life are aware of it. None of them really know what to say to me because they know what I feel for him is true love and they know I'm in a situation where my hands are tied.

Oh, my, this story is long, so let me see if I can nut-shell it for you. Thought about posting it on the relationship or PTSD forum, but knowing that there's nothing I can do (ie- I can't MAKE him snap out of it), I really have no advice I'm seeking, as I know the answer is that there's nothing I can do. Anyway, here's the story.

We dated when we were both 19 and in the military. He was in the Marines and I was in the Air Force. We dated for about a year and it was one of those volatile, overly dramatic teenage romances. Neither of us was really in love, we were just dating. Then we parted ways and he went to Panama and I went to Europe. While in Panama he decided that he loved me (don't know why, but he did). He ended up having his knees shot off in a firefight (he was there during the Noriega drug conflict) and almost died. He told me that when he thought he was dying, he thought of me. He was shipped back to the US and patched back together and stayed in the Marines. Couple of years later he married another Air Force girl (way long story I won't go into) and they had a very tangled marriage that lasted 17 years and produced a son. Over the years, everytime he heard music from the time we dated he was dropped to tears (his wife would ask what the hell was the matter with him and he'd lie and just tell her he loved the songs). I ended up staying in the Air Force for 22 years and retired in 2009 (that was the former career I retired from). I never really was in love with him, but did periodically think of him fondly over the years. About 6 months ago I was on Facebook and noticed he was friends with my brother on there. Fueled with a couple of drinks I had liquid courage to message him a "hi how you doing? hope the years have been kind to you." benign message. So we started to talk. We spent a month catching up on all the years that had passed between us and decided to become adult friends and forget about all that silliness of our youth. That is where I fell in love. I fell in love with who he'd become. He was over in Iraq when we were speaking, so it was a bit of a blessing, actually, that we were forced to TALK. Usually ppl don't spend enough time talking, so we were both glad to have the time to talk and get to know each other all over again. Well, things went further and we made plans to move in together upon his return and build a life together. I met him at the plane when he got back and it was ABSOLUTE HEAVEN. Like a fairy tale. So in love, happy to be in each others' arms... it was SUCH a dream. Then 36 hours later the world caved in around us. He went into total collapse about being back... felt guilty that he'd come to see me instead of going straight home to his 13 year old son who he'd not seen for a year; went from being on constant "alert" in a war zone to nothing to do all day, so he was up all night; had panic attacks in the mall when we'd walk by people who looked middle eastern. So our planned time together got cut short; he went immediately to be with his son and I went back home. This is when I went into complete collapse and ended up with my diagnosis and put on mood stabilizers and began to pick up the pieces of my life. In the mean time we really didn't speak... I was going through my own hell, and he was in his. We met up about 3 weeks ago and I told him what I had gone through (without telling him the dx) and that's when I told him about the decisions I'd made about my life and not waiting for him. I asked him questions and he was forthcoming with answers, so even if I didn't hear the words I wanted to hear, he had the guts to be honest with me. Basically he is going through EXACTLY what I did 2 years prior.... when you return to the civilian world and lose your military identity, you feel LOST. I absolutely can relate to what he's going thru. That period of my life was my first major major collapse and it took me nearly 2 years to recover because during that collapse I discovered that I didn't know who IIIIIIII was... I'd functioned for 22 years as this high-ranking Air Force person and THAT had been my identity. Looking back at how I felt at that time and how I handled it, I realize that he's doing the same.... going into a shell, trying to normalize his life, trying to "build" himself or figure out his civilian existence. I remember when people would reach out to me to "check how I was doing" and I really didn't have much to talk about... didn't want to talk because I felt I really had nothing positive to say and felt embarrassed to say "yeah, I'm currently in the middle of a breakdown." When some friends persisted in contacting me (I know it was because they cared, but at the time it was aggravating) I got upset and just wanted to be left alone to heal. Normally when a man dumps me or leaves my life I do all kinds of stupid manipulative things to try to "win him back." That was before my new meds and before him. He is different. I love him. He's going through the exact same thing as I did, so I know what he's feeling inside. I'm not going to bother him with the "hey, are you ok?" texts and emails and calls. I love him now and will always love him. If we're meant to be, he'll realize it and start talking again. This sounds way to "grown up" or "normal" of me... way too sane for the insane me. But I really can't make him better and pestering him to talk to me is going to do nothing but interfere with whatever healing he needs to go through. So, really, whatelse can I do? That's where I'm at with it. Miss him a lot; care about him a lot; will always love him... but nothing really more I can do.

Oh, man, that was LONG. Sorry about that! Don't know if the story I told was coherent, but I tried to cover the main points. Much more than the above has gone on, but that's the basics of what's been going on.

I guess I can sum it up like I told him a couple of weeks ago: I'm not done loving, but I am done waiting; I'm not giving up, but I am letting go. I will always love him, and if our love is meant to be, then we'll be kept in each others lives or brought back together at some point. If not, then at least I know what true love feels like and if it ever happens to me again, at least this time I know what it feels like.

And there ya go. If you can think of some stone I'm leaving unturned, let me know... shoot, if there was ANYTHING I could do that would make this work out, I REALLY would do it. Just don't know if there is.