I want to be comfortable with how I feel and yet I can't. I never wanted any of this. I don't want to be comfortable with how currently feel, but I want to be comfortable. What does being g comfortable entail, does it mean letting go how my past feelings, does it mean being ok with my current predicament. There's so many questions I have and no answers. And I feel like this whole situation is a self-inflicted problem to some extent.

E.R.P. therapy is meant to expose you to the things that trigger your compulsions in an effort to stop you from doing your compulsions. The thing is I haven't done any compulsions in the past year. Yes I do check to see if I'm still attracted to women but when I check men, I check them to see if the attraction has disappeared not to see if I'm attracted to them. And when the thing that causes me anxiety is seeing attractive men, I dont see how exposing me to my compulsions is going to stop me from doing it. Unless the goal would be to get me to stop caring about it, but that doesn't sound like E.R.P. but I don't know my thinking could be completely wrong on this.

I know I say that a lot, but right now I'm pretty calm so I think I can conduct myself a bit. OCD is characterized by obsessive doubts and the thoughts themselves aren't pleasurable. In my case the thoughts can be pleasurable and that pleasure is what leads to the anxiety. I also don't have doubts my stress comes from specific things and those things cause me distress(like attraction to men or wanting penis or thinkng of a man in my bed). So yes I get anxiety but for different reasons then a person with ocd.

On to some other things. Sometimes I'm attracted to men and sometimes I'm attracted to women. Sometimes I like female genitalia and sometimes I like male genitalia. Sometimes I like the thought of a guy in my bed and sometimes a woman. I wish my sexuality was more stable, how am I going to maintain a relationship someday if I'm not... fulfilled? I can't think of a time we're I even liked men. Did I repress it? I would sometimes wonder how a man can find another attractive, the only times I can think of finding a man attractive was during my ocd episodes but never in between(and by the way when I say I found a man attractive I mean I found pictures of myself attractive, but I never got anxious over it because why would I? What am I going to do to myself haha). I've read a total of two studies indicating that sexual fluidity is a thing, though it's pretty rare for both men and women. Funny enough most of the people I've seen who are sexual fluid are either bisexuals or homo or hetero people, the difference is that the homo and hetero people Still have a strong attraction to there original sexual desires. But I don't really it's practically none existent to me. I think part of the reason I'm distressed is because I don't want to tell my family and go on a new journey of self-discovery they wouldn't care but still. But the much bigger reason is my loss for women. It's one thing to change. It's a whole nother thing for it to come at the expense of your previous desires. Funny enough sexual fluidity seems to be controversial in LGBT forums because they think it beats the 'born that way argument'.

I looked at naked men and I almost got an... (God do I hate to say this) election and then I'll look at women and almost get one. Ahh what am I. Snaga might be right about sexuality being fairly consistent throughout your life. My best guess is that I was bisexual for all of puberty and I just didn't realize it. My OCD was I was 14 could of actually been they gay side of me showing. Because one of the differences between me and other ocd sufferers was the fact that I could find myself attractive (if I found pictures of myself)and it wouldn't make me anxious. (What am I going to do. ###$ myself lol) I just want to pretend that none of this is real and that it's in my head. But my body and eyes don't lie do they? Lol. I guess I should start ignoring those gay subreddits now. I don't want to face the fact that this is it for the rest of my life

Sorry about posting a lot I'm just anxious frustrated and a whole bunch of other stuff.

Before I masturbate I'll try to calm down and just let things happen when I try to masturbate to men, but I try and try to do it and I can't, I always end up masturbating to women, which makes me happy. Why do I find men attractive then huh? Why is it that when I look at a penis I get this weird feeling that goes through me? Why is it that I simply look at men? Why are they attractive? We do I get this sort of nice feeling? The NIMH says that a one of the symptoms for OCD is not deriving pleasure from the thoughts. Well I get anxious and upset because of these feelings. I even get a anxious sometimes when I see an attractive woman because of how anxious I get around attractive men. And the anxiety and the terrible feelings are a by-product of the feelings.