Nigel is the one who reads aloud in an English accent from any book I can't concentrate on. And it really works. For months I got him completely mixed up with Ty, who's spoken with the same accent, and with Chase, whose name was then Charles. Chase cried as he explained in an English accent that he no longer wanted to be associated with his abuser, our English grandfather whose middle name was Charles. On his next visit, his name was Chase and the English accent was gone.

The English accent has always seemed too good, too easy to do. With English grandparents, yeah, not surprising for someone with DID. But why a reader alter? I don't think he's traumatized at all. It's such a simple task. But I was raised to be an inveterate reader. So not being able to focus for any reason was not an option. Reading was our escape when the world around us made no sense, when everything hurt, when I was losing time and my days were slivers of time here and there. We lived for books, we still do. So I guess Nigel was necessary. When I couldn't focus, we needed someone detached, to keep the story flowing. That it was done in an English accent made it pleasant to listen to, not me.

I wonder how many others out there, multiple or not, read to themselves aloud in a different accent. Does it help them concentrate as it's always done for me. Thanks, Nigel. But I do want to know you as more than just a reader, just as I'm coming to know Faolan. I want to know who you are.

I hear these words when I began wondering and asking in therapy whether I am just a shell or a weak, depleted host and one or more others take over for me regularly and I just can't distinguish them from me. I've been worried about this for the past several months. That there might be another part of me who is large and does most of the interacting for me in the world. I very often feel "on" and sometimes will step back and marvel at how well I'm handling a situation -- while I'm handling the situation.

I've had an uneasy feeling about the ownership of some of my work and social skills. I know they exist, I rely on them. They're automatic and feel like me, mostly. But then, so did my ability to coldly detach from people feel like me. I experienced this detaching many times, finally a couple months ago distinguishing Faolan, a teenage alter whose job it was to do that for me. He felt like me too, mostly, yet there was an alter in plain view, completely hidden from me as an alter. I was totally alert, no fogginess.

I've watched myself in the midst of going through the motions of my life and wondered who's driving it all. Not for long periods as when an alter is out doing their thing and I, the host, am watching. Sometimes during intense interactions, positive or negative, where I simultaneously marvel at my performance or feel completely detached from it all. If I myself can separate from it while it's happening to observe, even briefly, who's keeping the ball rolling and staying present?

The description in some literature of a depleted host being supported by more skilled alters has worried me. Has there been one or more effective alters I've been relying on and I just don't realize it? Is it a form of depersonalization?

Why aren't they willing to explain what our reality is? What does tearing a hole in the fabric of my reality even mean? If I'm a shell, okay, I'm still one of many alters of our one mind. I can deal with me being a weakling or something, I've often felt like one. I didn't like the idea at first but let's give credit to whom it's due. I know I'm still the effective parts too, we're all just dissociated and don't feel like we're the same person, but the reality is still that we are the same person.

Henry, a two year old who feels "lost," appeared at a restaurant in Salem, MA several months ago. He visited the body very briefly earlier this week and unlike with the others I had absolutely no sense of why he is her and a part of us. I can't tell if he's traumatized or not. He just feels lost, like he doesn't know where he is or what's going on. This is completely the norm for the first visits of new alters. They just woke up from a long sleep and as far as they know they're the age they were when they went to sleep.

I went to the same restaurant and he just came out again, no trigger. I was very dissociated after he was up front and he was in and out. We were mixed, me in front at times, but unable to function fully as myself. Thinking clear thoughts was a real challenge. Decision-making was impossible. My brain felt like cotton and it was all giving me a headache. For all my other alters, I see, hear or sense things that tip me off what happened to them or why they're here, something key about them. But Henry is just a sweet little kid, I guess, somewhere between two and three. I don't know how I'm sure about even that. He spoke to Nic a bit. But everything else is a mystery.

This is how I categorize the ages in my system because it helps me make distinctions.

4 Babies/Toddlers (0-2): Adam, Zeb, Edward, Ashár,
7 Littles (3-7): Little John, Max, Hansel, Johann, Chase, Inky, Carter
4 Middles (age 8-12): Luke, Brody, Ty, Jack
2 Teens (13-19): Dan, Quato
4 Adults (20-up): Jonathan, Aaron, Marc-Dominic, Johnny
1 Ageless: Sphinx
0 age-sliders: (that we know of)

[list as of April 10, 2014]

We've had a lot of blending lately where two alters are out at the same time and the thinking pattern is not compatible or something. One of us tries to speak and the wrong words come out. We try to state the words we really want but end up just repeating the same wrong word(s). Something like "orker the butter" for "open the letter." Or we'll repeat a nonsense phrase that we know isn't what we want to say but our thinking is so messy we can't figure out the words that fit the image we know we're thinking about. So far this has been interference between two alters and we're used to it.

A new alter, #21, came forward yesterday and half of what he said was jumbled nonsense syllables or phrases repeated that didn't make sense, like "water cake." The other half of what he said were normal comments though he's five and was disoriented from suddenly being out front. He didn't seem mixed with anyone but he did seem confused.

What preceded his arrival was a fifteen-minute long compulsion to make a series of sounds like experimenting with sound effects. At first I was kind of entertained. I wondered what I was doing but I've done this before, just not non-stop. I was sure I was out front but I'm thinking maybe not. A little came forward and went out for a walk. His gait was unique so I asked Sphinx, our gatekeeper alter who can read body patterns and state who is out front, and he said it seemed like Quato, then called him Quato Prime, with no explanation. Quato is 19 and this kid was little. I once felt Quato dissociate to a very young state who did and didn't seem like him but that didn't seem connected.

This little told our friend NicS that his name was Inky. Later he clarified it to Inky Dinky Doo. We so far have had only "real person names." Quato and Sphinx are just nicknames I gave two of us. After I was back in control of the body, I had to google his name. Nothing. I tried other spellings and eventually found an old-fashioned song Inka Dinka Doo, which I surely heard as a kid. Today I realized I read a paragraph to my friend the day before Inky's arrival from the epic Gilgamesh to my friend about the character Enkido, which I knew wasn't a coincidence. So little Inky was waking up and picked that name by conflating Enkido and the silly song.

When Quato arrived, he did a lot of speaking nonsense and made sound effects. It was weird and mesmerizing. I think Inky and Quato are connected somehow. I think they used sound-making that "appears" to be crazy to keep from going crazy. Quato was sexually abused and I think Inky may have diverted the mind from the betrayal we felt at so young an age by the mesmerizing barrage of sound effects. I don't know for sure but I'm glad Inky is awake and we've met him. He seems confused and he got upset soon after he arrived, but I think he'll be okay. He has lots of guys to look after him and help.