Technically, any alter could become the main person, the host. We have had three. The gatekeeper and we have considered others as potential hosts at different times. [This entry is written by Jonathan.]

JOHN has been the host since the age of two and a half. His most valuable assets as host are strong interpersonal and leadership skills, which have led to job success. He is compassionate and people trust him, though he' given to unnecessarily effusive emotions. He is hampered by an over-concern with whether people like him or not and by suicidal thoughts. He is creative and good at bringing organization to chaos. He is quite brave and is actually better at everything in an emergency than he is normally. So his natural state is emergency. We would trust him, and he would trust himself, during an actual emergency more than anyone we've known. He would shine during a natural disaster. But normal life doesn't need all that hyper-vigilance.

JACK could easily become host and would make an excellent one as he has a lot of natural skills. He is trusting and trustworthy. People find him likable as he is friendly, open, and non-judgmental. He is extremely gregarious and will chat with anyone, especially those who don't know John. He's mellow and protective and we believe he would be a diligent worker if he were to become older. If not for his strong Appalachian accent, the Sphinx would likely have made Jack host to replace John in childhood. Independent of the family, he developed relatively freely and more closely in line with the natural body and mind so his hostship would be comfortable fit.

JONATHAN would be a good compromise host. Capable, organized, pleasant, ambitious without being aggressive, successful, hard-working, calm and centered most of the time, he was designed with a significant set of personal skills that would work well for a host. In some ways he is John, but toned down and focused. He has begun to replace John recently in a number of situations. His only design flaw that would limit him is that his role has been as John's helper, not the body's leader, though he is the natural leader of the alters. Relegated to playing a supportive role, it's challenging for him to determine what he alone desires.

QUATO does not want to become host as he knows his limitations. He is far too angry and cynical to be able to carry on the sophisticated interpersonal relations that are needed for a successful hostship. He gets bored easily with conventional people and situations and loathes anything "establishment." He prefers anarchism or chaos and has been known to stir them up just to cause trouble. Although he's better than any alter with low-life, stupid, aggressive, manipulative, dishonest or dangerous people, he'd prefer to avoid most people, though he's not exactly a loner. He is very sarcastic and can barely hold it in sometimes. Still he is clever and funny, if acerbic, and could take over in a variety of appropriate situations if he were willing.

DAN is skeptical he could become host for the life we now have, even if it were to change significantly. His aggressive anger would have to evolve into something more channeled but he is naturally resilient. He has tremendous drive and energy and is free from worry about what people think of him. He might do well if the body made a living at a masculine field, perhaps coaching or firefighting. That said, if some other physical body were to become available that he could miraculously transfer into, he would do it in a heartbeat. He wants to live out a life on his own terms, away from these intellectual, "weaker" guys, but he knows that's not possible.

The SPHINX could not possibly host. His hosting would be a disaster. When in control of the body, he appears to be very much like a robot or, on a good day, like an android (he IS obviously inside a human), although he's becoming less mechanical. His being in the body would freak out most human beings and would probably...

[ Continued ]

Sept. 2011: In the last few days I've met three new alters, sort of. Dan (misheard from Sphinx as Dack) has been "dead" since the body was age 9 but I inadvertently re-awakened him by imaging how I might tell him that he just thinks he died. I knew this was possible after my gatekeeper used the words "and one who believes he is dead" to describe Dan. Dan is young, older than age 9 (maybe he was created as older?), full of incredible energy, somehow has full knowledge of everything that's been going on in the meantime (rather, he can access that memory quickly), and doesn't seem to be the potentially "bad" alter we "killed" so many years ago. We're wary but hopeful. He does seem angry! Because he came into the body for a time, we got to see how he felt, more what he was like than if he simply spoke to us internally, which he did only a day before. He was "begat" from Jack, so perhaps he's always been able to rely on Jack's memory and so knows all that Jack knows. It did seem to be knowledge at a child's level of understanding.

We also met the two twins Hansel & Johann. They are adorable, as any four-year-olds are. They spoke to me during journaling before but this morning they actually took over the body, swapping with one another because they are twins and share everything, for the long walk to work. So I know them experientially too now. Hansel is perpetually optimistic and Johann is emotionally injured and wary but bouyed by Hansel's good cheer. Jack was the one who pushed them forward into the body rather than him doing his normal walk. He's just great with the youngest ones and accepts his role as "big brother" readily because that's what these kids need.

This on top of Quato beginning to come into the body just about 4-6 weeks ago? I think the only one who hadn't been in the body was Marc Dominic and I'm pretty sure he was an internal alter. Marc became the last alter to step into the body (at least when I've been aware and co-conscious) in early October. So that's everybody with experience. I know what every one "feels" like now. I like them all.

Aaron came into the body as a unique, identifiable, separate alter in February 2012, although we believe he's been around before. Charles, a hurt child, is very newly known and he took over and walked a few blocks in March 2012.

**potentially triggering**
My avatar is an actual painting of Jack at age 10. I've searched for but never found a photograph of my alter personality Jack and one may not exist. However, the avatar is a reduced digital photo of a 3ft x 5ft composition of Jack, painted from memory by my father a year or so after Jack punched him in the face, fought back, ran away that night, thus ending the abuse, then shortly went inside for decades.

Jack's eye squint is characteristic of him, though here it also helps him aim the gun. My father was a gun collector. The pistol is no toy. It is the relative size of an adult weapon, which Jack holds ready for his off-screen assailant. He protects the untroubled boy on his back, the host John (aka Johnny), whose face is not shown, indeed, cannot be shown for it would be identical to Jack's.

My father may or may not have consciously known what he was painting but the identities and the meaning of the painting are quite clear to me. Everyone close to the family who has seen the painting says the boy is me. Others have confirmed that even he knew it turned out to be his son. Only I know the boy with the gun is Jack and the child on the ground was his second favorite son, John (Johnny). It is the largest painting ever done by our father, who knew quite well that the two boys were different, though in the same body. He never named this painting. Although it's not clear in this reduced version, the dog, with human-like eyes, stares back in harsh judgment at the painter of the scene, and so at the viewer.

(April 28, 2012) Two friends who know my entire story now, who knew me since we were age 2 or 3 and who knew my parents, got an overwhelming response to viewing the painting. The boys' bodies are so close, the recumbent Johnny seems to blend into Jack. One held her hand over the dogs lower face and said the eyes looked human and accusing.

I have mixed feelings about displaying a painting by my abuser, but it is the only known visual record of Jack, the painting itself is not at fault, it is absolutely his likeness and a documentation of his battle won, and I retain it to honor Jack, who no longer sleeps.

AWARDS, because they deserve the appreciation and the recognition:

Best with animals: John
Best with bullies: Jack
Best with chaos: Sphinx
Best with children: Jack
Best with farm animals: John
Best with finances: Jonathan
Best with intellectuals: John, Jonathan
Best with pain: Ashár
Best with poor people: Jack
Best with rich people: Marc Dominic
Best with low-lifes: Quato
Best with women: John
Best with men: Quato
Best with pets: Little John
Best with secrets: Hansel & Johann
Best with sports: Dan
Best with stuffed animals: Adam * BLUE RIBBON *
Best with toddlers: Jack

Best attacker: Ashár
Best friendship: Hansel & Johann * BLUE RIBBON *
Best fist-fighter: Jack
Best giggler: Little John
Best leader: Jonathan
Best liar: Quato * BLUE RIBBON *
Best money-maker: Jonathan
Best mingler: Marc Dominic
Best prankster: Quato
Best runner: Dan
Best sleeper: Adam
Best tutor: Marc Dominic

Most adorable: Little John
Most aggressive: Dan
Most ambitious: Jonathan
Most angry: Ashár
Most arrogant: Marc Dominic
Most athletic: Dan
Most betrayed: Johann
Most brave: John
Most calm: Jonathan
Most cocky: Dan
Most compassionate: Hansel
Most compliant: Little John
Most creative: John
Most cynical: Quato
Most dramatic: John
Most eclectic: John
Most effective: Jonathan
Most empathetic: John
Most entertaining: John
Most entitled: Marc Dominic * BLUE RIBBON *
Most experienced: John
Most family-oriented: Jack
Most fearful: Adam
Most fit: Jonathan
Most good-natured: Little John
Most impatient: Dan
Most inclusive: John
Most indispensable: Adam
Most insane: Quato
Most intense: Dan
Most irascible: Dan * BLUE RIBBON *
Most irresponsible: Quato
Most judgmental: Marc Dominic
Most kinky: Quato
Most loyal: Hansel
Most macho: Dan
Most marriageable: Jack * BLUE RIBBON *
Most masculine: Quato
Most mischievous: Hansel
Most mistrusting: Ashár
Most mysterious: Sphinx
Most objective: Sphinx
Most optimistic: Hansel
Most organized: Jonathan
Most outgoing: Jack
Most outrageous: Quato
Most patrician: Marc Dominic
Most rational: Jonathan
Most religious: Jack
Most reserved: Little John
Most responsible: Jonathan * BLUE RIBBON *
Most rural: Jack
Most sarcastic: Quato
Most secretive: Johann
Most self-confident: Aaron
Most serious: Sphinx * BLUE RIBBON *
Most successful: Jonathan
Most sexual: Quato
Most sophisticated: Marc Dominic
Most steadfast: Johann
Most talkative: Jack
Most tentative: Little John
Most tough: Dan
Most traumatized: Adam
Most undemanding: Little John * BLUE RIBBON *
Most untraumatized: Aaron
Most urban: Jonathan
Most vigilant: Ashár * BLUE RIBBON *
Most wacky: Quato

Oldest: Marc Dominic (70s)
Youngest: Adam (1.5)

Okay, I'll use this list to group the ridiculous number of Johns together:
Most likely to succeed: Jonathan
Most likely to avoid: Little John
Most likely to read: John, aka Johnny
Most likely to snear: John-John, aka Quato
Most likely to comfort: John-John-John, aka Hansel
Most likely to puke: John-John-John-John, aka Johann
Most likely to talk: Jack
Most likely to erupt: Dan, aka Dack
Most likely to judge: Marc Dominic
Most likely to nap: Adam
Most likely to bite: Ashár
Most likely to assess: The One, aka the Sphinx
Most likely to remain calm: Aaron

JOHN: brave, creative, dramatic, eclectic, empathetic, entertaining, experienced, inclusive, reader
SPHINX: mysterious, objective, serious
ADAM: fearful, indispensible, traumatized, sleeper
ASHAR: angry, mistrusting, vigilant, attacks, bites
JACK: family-oriented, marriageable, outgoing, rural, talkative, fist-fighter, farmer
DAN: aggressive, athletic, cocky, impatient, intense, irascible, macho, tough; sports, runner
HANSEL: compassionate, loyal, mischievous, comforting, optimistic
JOHANN: betrayed, secretive, steadfast
JONATHAN: ambitious, calm, effective, fit, organized, rational, responsible, successful, urban, money-maker, businessman, leader
QUATO: cynical, insane, irresponsible, kinky, masculine, outrageous, sarcastic, sexual, wacky, liar, prankster, street-talking
LITTL...

[ Continued ]

In imaging a stable future personality (or fewer personalities), I'm starting to focus within our system on the levels of power, independence, courage, self-confidence, and sensitivity to the opinions, safety and needs of others. They're different among us and in fact are changing.

AARON: extremely calm and self-confident, therefore very independent (though a fragment)

DAN (was Dack): independent and thick-skinned; cocky and belligerent (not expressed unless provoked) most of the time; reigns it in completely around children and moms and feels protective, almost mushy, around them; very tough, aggressive, likes to exercise, push the body; extremely high level of energy but some dissipated to ever-present tension, which is basically his anger controlled

JACK: very independent, self-reliant and adventuresome; quite unaffected by people's judgment of him ("everybody don't have to like me, that's okay"); currently held in check by his youth relative to John and John's "mother hen" approach; hyper-aware of potential bullies of vulnerable people, especially kids, in any environment and wants to take them on himself

JONATHAN: very independent minded, strong, determined, ambitious; hampered by his design at birth to help John; his role was to replace John as companion to the father in one-on-one interactions; has a slight superiority complex so mostly unaffected by people's opinions of him; the lawyer father encouraged independent critical thinking and judgment, even judgment of the father's ideas, because father's ideal was a family dinner where everyone could hold their own in any discussion or argument about anything; but deference to John has been automatic due to his design and thus is crippling and tremendously frustrating for Jonathan; strong feeling of obligation to protect those younger and to treat with respect (even while judging) those of lower status than him

JOHN: dominant host since age two and a half; overwhelming habit of not being affected by and controlling his environment; over time this has meant a dwindling interaction with the world, the job and friends and (nice) family members from the past being the last vestige of world interaction; has need for positive opinion of him from people in the world and heavily affected by potential negative opinions of him, which is a primary weakness; owns an inner need to "provide for" others, their well-being and emotions

QUATO: couldn't care less what anyone thinks of him or of John, probably because he has lived mostly internally (I think) and doesn't have to live with the consequences; influenced John, strongly at times, when he felt John was being a patsy, when he felt like stirring up trouble or strife, when John or others felt scared of tough people, for sexual fantasy, or when he felt John needed to cut loose; comfortable around crude, hyper-masculine, violent, even dangerous people; claims not to care about individuals, sarcastic and often jeering, nihilistic; soft side shows around children, desires to protect and play with them (hmmph, some anarchist)

MARC-DOMINIC: came for John as his variable mentor; an independent thinker who is not at all affected by what John thinks; extremely self-confident, haughty as an alter and imbues John with confidence and a feeling of entitlement in interactions with powerful or rich people; harshly judgmental of the mighty who do not practice noblesse oblige or of the wealthy who are not philanthropists

SPHINX: gatekeeper who has deferred to those of the body most of the time; until recently was mostly unaffected by thinking of alters but has moved toward mutual growth and change; a rather detached but deep compassion is the only emotion he displays

LITTLE JOHN: tentative, non-challenging, always deferential, never spoke unless spoken to; nevertheless, oddly independent in his thinking, as if he was waiting for the chance to break out of his self-imposed limits once it became safe; somewhat dependent...

[ Continued ]