I met two alters a couple decades ago but I just wasn't able to certify that what I had was DID or at least not a 'serious' case of it. When I began investigating that possibility again in therapy in fall 2010, I was scared to death in one way, resigned to the likely reality in another. I KNEW of Jonathan and Little John and liked both. But the idea of someone taking over my body -- and I recalled it happening two decades ago with Jonathan -- was just terrifying. I had no idea if I would ever come back and I'd been the sole "owner" of my body for what seemed like my entire life. Nevertheless, another crippling depression, which had happened every few years, was not an alternative nor was the emptiness and meaninglessness of my own life. I had a successful career, great friends at work, though certain basic things remained entirely unshared. Almost everywhere else, my life was a mess or at best, unfulfilling. In short, I didn't even want my life. Why would I want to hold on to it?

I had read about DID here and there but in 2010 I read voraciously, focusing on biographies. I needed to know what to expect. I read about types of alters I might expect to find:
* helpers (clearly Jonathan was one)
* child alters(Little John, no question)
* gatekeepers (I wasn't sure I had one but had a couple signs I might), and
* the dreaded persecutors (how in the world can you prepare for these?)

Somewhere in early 2011, I started getting reactions that I felt sure were coming from inside. I might state something that hypothetical alters might object to, like "I don't think there's anyone else here," and my body would start bucking around. Physically, it was like bouncing around on a roller coaster without a seat-belt. It was intensely uncomfortable and embarrassing in front of my psychiatrist, even though he was supporting my assertion I might have "other parts." Toward April, this reaction built, not just in therapy but at home. I would have sudden attempts at what I now know was a take-over but to me then just felt disturbing, unacceptable, and intensely creepy. Then the cackling began. It was me cackling at myself while I was struggling to suppress the "take-over" but it wasn't me. I don't laugh like that and I wasn't finding it funny at all. If this was an alter, he did not feel benign. I was in fact scared.

The name "Jack" floated around in my head and I mentioned it to my shrink one day, then immediately told him I knew I didn't have another part named that in me or I would surely know it. Next session, I sat there thinking "please ask me about Jack, mention his name, say it" to see how I (we?) would respond. And the shrink did. My body went haywire for the entire rest of the session. There was now little doubt left that I had an alter, one who cackled and felt really tough, and wanted OUT. On my walk home from therapy, I knew I had to let go. Whatever happened would happen. I could no longer fight him and at some level I knew it was stupid to try. Why was I going to therapy? Why did I read all that? Could my life be any worse than it is now? I hate my life and want to kill myself every single day.

So Jack took over on the walk home and he began ranting. Shoved inside, I recognized the experience from 20 years ago when Jonathan had briefly "replaced" me. Except this time I wasn't foggy, I was very aware of Jack's presence. His carriage of the body, his energy, his attitude, masculinity, vocabulary, grammar, and most of all, his accent -- oh, my god, that accent -- were just not me. He sounded like a complete redneck. Worse. It was terrible English and I didn't even recognize some of the grammar. "We's gonna have" and "don't nobody know" and "I might could"? Who speaks like that? As self-described intellectual, a teenage redneck persecutor, who clearly didn't like me and was furious with me, calling me all sorts of insulting names, was terrifying....

[ Continued ]

Creating a safe place inside for EMDR work is standard practice. I began seeing a new T recently. She started the preparation for EMDR work by focusing on my creating a safe place inside for alters to go to if EMDR were to bring back memories that were too difficult for some, especially all the littles, to bear. The "safe place" we came up with was not a meadow, or a seashore, or even a comfy cottage, but a pirate ship. The idea came, not surprisingly, from little boy alters. However, I had some trouble creating the ship inside. When I did a similar exercise several years ago, no problem. I created and began describing an imaginary place of my own so fast that my shrink was surprised. But imagining often comes easy to someone with DID.

This time I had some trouble creating, imagining the pirate ship as an internal physical place with three-dimensions. I did work out some characteristics of the ship, like it shouldn't be out on the ocean at the mercy of weather and who knows what but anchored in the cove of a small uninhabited island. There needed to be cannons and other weapons on the ship that were easily aimed should monsters (abusers) approach. There needed to be plenty of food and places to rest and relax and feel safe. Most importantly, the littles needed someone to take care of them if they felt scared. Everyone needed to know their role on the ship in case of emergency, which meant any emotional overwhelm from returning memories due to EMDR processing.

"Inside" was the place alters went when they weren't out in control of the body but it had collapsed into oblivion in fall 2011. Without a deep inside anymore, it was very difficult to create the pirate ship with enough "realness" though the exercise had benefits.

I have a high percentage of littles but just enough older alters to match up with each little so that were anyone to become too upset, they would have a protector. So here is the watch we've set up.

JACK protects ADAM, the core: both alters are key in my system, both considered "indispensible" compared to others. Although young himself, Jack is the most proactive protector of small children. Adam once chose to get close to Jack and inadvertently blended with him, so I already know he likes him. Jack would also be good with Ashar because he was the first to look for and find him inside. He got bitten in the process because Ashar is feral. Before anyone else knew what to do, Jack rescued Ashar from inside as it was collapsing. It was a subjective experience but it felt quite real.

JONATHAN protects ASHAR: Jonathan is wise and Ashar is the most traumatized of alters. I would trust Jonathan to know what to do in an emergency. QUATO protects JOHANN: Both were hurt from similar abuse around the same time, but Quato grew up. Quato can be a sourpuss but that falls away the moment a child is in need. DAN protects HANSEL: Dan always comes into the body angry and he can be grumpy but he is extremely protective, maybe over-protective, of children. Hansel is usually cheerful, so they seem a good match. AARON protects CHARLES: Both are very newly known to our system. Aaron is not a very deep alter. But he is here, kind and capable, and has introduced himself to Charles and explained how he will be available to help him.

MARC-DOMINIC protects LITTLE JOHN: Marc is old and also not a very deep alter. He's perhaps the least attentive alter by comparison. But Little John has probably been awake in the body for many years, weathered two years of hosting as a small child, tends to look after himself a lot, and may not need as much heavy protection as the other littles. SPHINX is the gatekeeper so not very good at all with human emotions, though he would protect a little in a pinch. He's here to guarantee the stability of the system and he does a pretty good job at that.

JOHN is the host and usually "does" the therapy. However, if another adult alter were to do the EMDR -- and Jonathan...

[ Continued ]

Useful essential attributes we hope each will contribute to a future singularity. A bit more idealistic than we'll ever be, but they hold a level of ability in these categories. If we get at least some of each, we'll be better than we are as individuals.

AARON: masculinity, confidence, maturity, ruggedness, vigor, centeredness, self-assurance
ADAM: innocence, openness, purity, connection to the life force
ASHÁR: defiance, confrontation, vigilance, incorruptibility
CHARLES: civility, dignity, sensitivity, manners
DAN: energy, ability to express anger, athletic ability, sexual performance
HANSEL: buoyancy, forgiveness, loyalty, enthusiasm, attachment
JACK: honesty, gregariousness, simplicity, non-judgmental attitude, intolerance for bullying, hospitality, access to the will of the body, power, strong moral center, family orientation, energizing other people, love of nature
JOHANN: ability to read people's motives, trust, acceptance, circumspection, prudence
JOHN: social skills, bravery, ability to act in an emergency, emotional intelligence, life experience, creativity, passion, decision-making, musical ability, enthusiasm, love of learning, team building, distinction-making, humor, writing skills, ability to mimic
JONATHAN: organization, inner calm, kindness, will to succeed/ambition, financial intelligence, team player, perseverance, focus, responsibility, leadership, business acumen, stability, propriety
LITTLE JOHN: resilience, generosity, gentleness, ability to separate, modesty, flexibility, self-denial
MARC: pride in self, drive to instill pride in others, savoir-faire, wisdom, transcendence, carriage
QUATO: irreverence, immunity from others' judgment, skepticism, ability to find humor in anything, freedom from social strictures, guile, caprice, audacity, sympathy for outcasts, shamelessness, witty sarcasm
SPHINX: logic, memory access, ability to 'vacuum' away panic, perspective, compassion, history of the body, reading of body reactions undetectable by alters

broadly shared: protectiveness towards children, monogamy

JOHN (aka JOHNNY): The father had an unusual name and always liked the solid, conventional name John so the body was named John. When I was quite young, I remember being called Johnny but that changed at some point to John. At age 28, I decided to switch from being called John to Johnny. So to everyone in life who knows me now, I'm Johnny. To Quato, who's hung around, I'm also Johnny but to everyone inside I'm John. I believe now that Johnny is my name as an alter and that is why I felt compelled to change it (back) to Johnny. Since I followed the John we call Little John, I had to have a different name, hence Johnny. But eventually, the legal name John stuck and I assumed it.

LITTLE JOHN: I met him in 1989 and figured his name must be Johnny, as he was the age when the body had been called that. I used to refer to him as that. However, when I asked him his name, he said John. So I asked if I could call him Little John. His (our?) favorite childhood book was Little John Little, so he liked that a lot.

I (host John) am wondering now whether I felt compelled to "change" my name from John to Johnny at age 28 because Johnny WAS my name, that is, my name as a distinct alter. Little John knew that his name was John, not Johnny. In my system, we all have a clear need to go by unique names, so that might explain the switch to going by Johnny.

JONATHAN: Jonathan is a "serious" version of the name John and Jonathan in some ways is a serious version of me. It was one of the John variations the father called his one son and Jonathan claimed it for himself. The father realized the boy sometimes liked to be called Jonathan. When he wanted the son to go with him, hang out with him, he called for Jonathan, we would switch, and Jonathan would go with him. The host John used to become furious when anyone assumed John was short for Jonathan and called him that, because it felt very wrong.

JACK: He arrived in the 60s, a hillbilly without a name. The names John and Jonathan were already taken. He knew that John F. Kennedy also went by Jack, so that became his name. This let him feel honest whether he called himself John or Jack, depending on what he could get away with in a particular situation. He has always known that his own name is Jack, however.

DAN: Daniel was the name of an ancestral pioneer about whom we had family lore. That's one guess. A second is that Jack had a deep connection to Daniel Boone. Jack invented memories of his own early childhood in Kentucky as something like the life of the frontiersman. Dan was created by the gatekeeper out of Jack's anger which Jack himself could not tolerate. So it would make sense that the name of Jack's hero might be taken by this alter. When we first learned about Dan, John misheard the name as "Dack" when the gatekeeper was explaining inside, so we called him Dack. When Dan returned in September, he told us his name was Daniel, not Dack, and that we could call him Dan for short.

QUATO: His original name was John-John. Just before he announced himself, I sensed a sort of strange parasitic entity attached to me, the host. When he did arrive, I was reminded of the parasitic mutant character Kuato in the 1990 film Total Recall and called him Kuato. He chose to spell it with a Q because it was "cooler" and to differentiate it from the gross mutant. He prefers the exotic name Quato, which is vaguely reminiscent of Quasimodo (the hunchback in The Hunchback of Notre Dame), over the childish John-John. Plus there are enough names derivatived from John in our system already.

HANSEL & JOHANN: They announced themselves to the host during journaling and called themselves John-John-John and John-John-John-John. That was over the top, so I shortened these to John 3 and John 4. Not surprisingly, I got the feeling very quickly they didn't like the numbers at all. So I gave them a few Teutonic cognates (of John) which the father used to call the body, and these are...

[ Continued ]

John wrote this: I generally assumed I was an introvert until I went to college and blossomed socially, especially in my fraternity. Then I took a Meyers-Briggs Type Indicator test and found I was definitely an extrovert. Childhood friends more recently have told me I was very quiet and serious until mid-fifth grade, then changed and became very social and an extrovert. Though we can't confirm via memory, this appears to be the exact time Jonathan went inside and stopped going to school for me. This got me wondering how wrong I could be about myself and was there anything else I was getting wrong. It's not until recently, with the DID, that I discovered how wrong.

JOHN: extrovert who in recent decades has come to live like an introvert; a definite extrovert at work or in social situations
QUATO: introvert, distrusting of people but doesn't mind being around or in the midst of crowds as long as he's not forced to interact, prefers cynical introverted outcasts and outsiders, hates establishment-type things
JACK: extreme extrovert, way out on the end of the scale, very talkative, loves being with people, comfortable around anybody
LITTLE JOHN: introvert based on behavior but avoidance behavior was protective
DAN: extrovert, though tends toward domineering and judgmental
JONATHAN: in the middle, maybe slightly extrovert, likes being around people; calm personality
MARC: slightly introverted or maybe it's just snobbery
SPHINX: introvert although this dichotomy seems bizarre to apply to a robot; he doesn't live in the human world and is interested in them in a compassionate but rather clinical way so how could he possibly be an extrovert?
HANSEL: bubbly extrovert, but wary because he's only 4
JOHANN: mild introvert, much more wary of people
ADAM: a baby, so indeterminate, but gets very happy when someone talks to him
ASHAR: traumatized feral child; based on desire to connect, maybe extrovert
AARON: feels extrovert by ability, but introvert by inclination
CHARLES: don't know well enough yet but maybe introvert