I actually felt really good last night, my sister and I managed to work up the nerves to go into an on-line chat to try to meet new friends. It was a group intended for girls which was nice since we have had our fill of frustrating guys over the past little while and wanted a break from them. Ironic that the only person to really talk to us in the chat was a guy He was really nice though and we talked to him for a while.

I actually felt happy for a while, but of course my insane head wouldn't let me enjoy it. So obsessed with depression that happiness is torture to me now. I woke up today feeling pretty awful so I guess I don't have to worry about the pain I feel from being happy. "Happiness is a curse, depression is my carrot. What twisted fate have I found that I must live in discontentment to truly find contentment." A little poem I made this morning. I made a longer version, but it's really too pathetic for me to want to share.

My mom woke me up today asking for my help finding a dealer for her car. My dad obviously refuses to help her, to him that's my job alone. It was so irritating having her sitting on my bed staring at my laptop screen while I was still exhausted and wanted to sleep. She was slurping saliva in her mouth the whole time which, even several hours later, makes me feel sick to my stomach. After she got the dealer's phone number she wouldn't leave my room until she got through to them. She asked me to show her how to get to the dealer and then just ended up asking the dealer how to get there after I spent like 20 minutes trying to explain to her how to get there. And after ALL of this, she just went back to watching TV. She had to disturb my sleep for this and she wasn't even planning on going today. It really drives me insane.

The day has barely begun for me and I am already wishing it were over...

Two posts in under 24 hours... I need a hobby. I wish my dad hadn't moved the piano to his room, I feel so anxious being in there. Maybe I will try writing short-stories, my dad has been nagging me to write stories anyways. I should be reading more too, I used to read all the time. I miss the times when staying up all night reading a book was likely for me... I don't know what happened to me to make me stop reading.

Anyways, my day has been a lot better today than yesterday despite a few nuisances. I am not really sure why it's feeling better though. I woke up feeling pretty numb and I wasn't feeling up to getting out of bed at all. I was ready to sleep the whole day away but I woke up and refreshed the page on my blog and was happy to see my last post approved. My sister had just woken up as well so I was happy to stay awake to talk with her.

The friend I got into a fight with yesterday wanted to talk to me about it and I thought she was trying to apologise, but her apology still seemed a little bit like she was dancing on the line of an actual apology. She then brought up what we fought about again and backed me into a corner so she could get mad at me again. I was pretty livid with her at this point, but I managed to reach a compromise with her... that she quickly undermined with passive-aggressive behaviour that reminded me of my sister's recently EX-boyfriend. I was thrilled about being able to add her back to Skype, but am not sure I ever want to talk to her again... she doesn't seem to believe in opinions and she thinks that I am insulting her if my opinions aren't the same as hers.

I am still feeling really lonely, I have lost almost all my friends recently and my sister seems to be the only real one left. I have been obsessing about a guy on my list that I want to message, but I know he doesn't care about me and he'll just ignore everything I say. All he ever wants to talk about are his stupid video games and I don't understand why he's so obsessed with them. My sister's boyfriend is gone, we've both cut him out of our lives after how he treated us, so that's another friend gone. I have been tempted to add him back on so many occasions, and I know my sister has too, but we are really really trying not to go crawling back to his abuse.

I've been rather bored lately, constant drama and issues and conflicts over the past few months have really kept me busy and I am now really missing it because I feel so empty now. Nothing to do, no more friends... all I do is talk to my sister all day and occasionally her ex-ex-bf (who can be very very sweet). I love talking with my sister, but I think we are both wishing we lived close enough together that we could actually do something together. We can't find anything to do together on-line, but at least we can chat . This blog is, right now, my only real hobby . I have been looking forward to writing it all day. I wasn't going to write an entry today because I don't want to get in the habit of posting all the time and driving the admins to be fed up with me, but my boredom overcame me... sorry

I really can't understand why I am feeling good about today, I've felt numb most of the day and I've felt no less abandoned and lonely than the past few days, but for some reason I am not so depressed about it today. Mondays are a good day for me, and weekends are hell because my dad is a really big trigger for my anxiety and Mondays he isn't home most of the day. I'm one of those weird people who look forward to Monday and dread the weekend . Fridays are good though, my dad is out even longer on...

[ Continued ]

My sister recommended I try writing in a blog to help me air out my feelings a bit better. I think it'll help if I am not always stressing her out with everything on my mind all the time. I am a little scared about basically writing journal entries to the public, but I'd rather think that someone might have heard me rather than know I am still just on my own. I have been having a really stressful time (even more so after realising that I most likely have BPD) and it seems to have become my sister's problem since she's the only person I am not scared to talk to about everything.

My anxiety is getting worse and worse, I have almost isolated myself entirely from the real world. My only people I really talk to are on-line. My sister isn't my biological sister, just someone I met on-line who I am really attached to. I go to a support group every week, but I haven't been in two weeks. I had to leave early that time because my anxiety overwhelmed me, and I didn't go last week because I was just too overwhelmed by fear of another panic attack.

I feel so lonely all the time, but I am too scared to meet any new people. Even meeting someone on-line makes me feel uneasy. My sister is the only person who I can talk to all day without developing a deep hatred for. I try to talk to some of the other people I know, but it doesn't take them long to make me angry or upset with them and not want to talk to them again. I'll talk with them and I can enjoy myself, but they always do something that makes me not want to talk to them anymore, but instead of telling them how I feel I usually just harbour hatred and anger for them and I start trying to avoid them until I get over it. The more it happens though the easier it is for them to upset me again. I have been speaking my mind more often, I think my sister has really helped me be able to do it, but that usually just means people get fed up with me even more quickly.

I just keep pushing people away from me and then hating them for abandoning me. I can look back at past times and realise that's what I did, but I still can't stop hating them and I can't forgive them. No matter how irrational I think I am being, I can't stop my paranoid thoughts of people hating me, of people wanting to abandon me, of people talking behind my back. I end up consumed in my own thoughts.

After high school I started getting worse, but this year I felt like I was starting to get better. I started HRT and it was really lifting my mood and I was excited and social and not always so anxious, but it's started getting worse again and it's worse than it was before now. I went through a lot of stressful events the past few weeks and I feel like that's what has caused my anxiety to worsen, but I am feeling more lost and confused since things have started to calm down.

All my life I chased an identity. I felt empty and like I lacked an identity. When I was about 14-15 I realised that I was transgender, and that became what I used as my identity for a while, but it never really filled that space. My doctors thought I might have bipolar disorder and so I adopted that as part of my identity, but it never really filled any void. I have been chasing a mental illness to explain who I am, I know I am not normal, I know that there is something seriously wrong with me, but I just can't figure out what it is. You'd think finding out that I most likely have Borderline personality disorder would help appease that insane addiction to having a mental illness, but it just made me feel even more empty than before. It's like my entire personality is designed to copy everyone else's personality and identity because I don't have one of my own.

I am also afraid that my addiction to mental illnesses is just making me lie to myself about everything. I keep finding mental illnesses to latch on to so I can have them as an identity, but I just realise more and more that I don't really have them. BPD seemed to click perfectly...

[ Continued ]