So I'm not sure where to start. Basically just feeling entirely helpless and small today. There is so much darkness in the world... and there's really not much I can do about it is there?

I read through some of the forums, and I see people breaking down from one affliction or another, and a part of me so wants to reach out and help. But then I remember how badly that always works out for me, and I just don't. The more you try to help the more you end up being torn apart.

I'm already split, cracked, fractured... damaged goods. I hate it, and I hate to see others suffering, but what am I supposed to do? I'm not smart enough. I'm not good enough. I can't love deeply enough. I'm just not enough. If I were whole I could do something.

But I'm not. They broke me into little fragments, shards of brittle glass and all it would take is one misstep and we'd be crushed again. So tired of feeling this way.

I don't feel depressed... I'm sure I sound it reading this but I'm not really feeling that. I just feel helpless... like I want to do or say something but I don't have the words or know how to act to make a difference. Like there's not enough energy inside me to run and care for everyone who needs it, and if I tried I'd just end up falling apart again. All this potential energy for change, but no direction. If that makes sense at all.

I've done a pretty good job taking care of everyone but me throughout my life. I've always put others first and foremost and always minimized my own needs. But then when I try and come out with something I need, even if it's small... I get shut out. I get treated like I'm bad. Like I'm no good. Even in a place where I'm supposed to be safe, supposed to feel free to speak my mind and whatever is on my heart, I don't feel free.

I haven't slept through a Saturday in a long time, but I'm not sure there's anything else to do today. Maybe tomorrow my collective self will be stitched back together enough to hold me up. Today is just too murky to bother with. I'm never the hero of my own story... but some days I really want to be. Is it possible to want something so bad and so much with your whole heart, that it comes into being?

I dunno. But a part of me still dreams maybe it is. I don't want to be the Gollum/Smeagol of this journey... I want to be Aragorn.

Peace.

So I decided to give mapping out the various sides or alterations of myself that I experience. I don't think I'm at a DID point with them (I have more or less clear memory between the various parts, and the memories I don't have access to I know who has them and can access them... I just generally don't want to ) Figured it would be helpful regardless, to map these things. It's hard for me not to go down the rabbit trails of self-diagnosing, since I already have some training to become an LPC from back before all this started. Before I broke down...

Some of these parts have designated names, some don't... regardless I'm not going to post actual names to protect my own identity(ies). Suffice to say I (Ithrean) did not choose the names.

Ithrean- Original. ANP.

P- ISH. Cohosting since the near-breakdown in grad school. Mostly the good, admirable qualities that Ithrean wants to bring out. Tends to come forward during public speaking or really critical junctures. The most aware of what's really going on, and probably the most spiritual in-tune. Could totally be ANP or EP... doesn't really want to run the show alone, but would probably do a better job of it in a lot of ways.

M- Been present possibly the longest. Contemplates a lot of dark stuff. Possibly responsible for self-harm in high school. Has the memories of that time regardless. Did some things with my ex that are a bit foggy for me. Enjoys being a dominant/sadist during sexual encounters. EP.

Guardian- The tiger. Responsible for guarding the Boy. Hates M. Incapable of human interaction. Aggressive in order to keep others from potentially threatening the Boy or the Host. Ferocious. Protector. Most obvious when fronting. EP- mostly fragment.

The Boy- Young, childlike version of Host. Active when sleep-talking. Adorable. Trapped in pain due to all the trauma on the system. Rarely comes forward, but usually to weep when he does. Was created when father was going to leave. Little. EP.

S- Female, sweet, enjoys doing girly things. Feels responsible for the abuse. Enjoys being a submissive during sexual encounters. Desires to act these out, despite Ithrean's heterosexual nature. May be being abused by M... though their connection is still fuzzy. Very practical when she's forward. On the verge of naming herself. EP.

?????- 'gangsta' sounding individual. Comes forward during times of duress or when the Host doesn't want to have to speak his mind. Cusses like there's no tomorrow. Seems to be unaware that he/she/it is a part of a whole, even though all the other parts are aware of he/she/it. Possibly just a fragment? Second most obvious when fronting. EP- mostly fragment.

...and that's where about two years of on and off again therapy, meditation, and previous training will leave ya. I have some basic idea of how to communicate and interact, no clue how to go about reintegrating (which I perceive to be my core desire in all this) and I'm still unsure that I am dissociating in the classical sense, since every part is usually awake and aware at the same time, talks pretty openly with the others, and I can cycle through them more or less seamlessly... with the exception of the Guardian or that last one, who have very different patterns of behavior.

Time to go eat, but thanks for reading.

I'll start this by saying I'm entirely clueless about what I'm doing here. Then I'll back up and lead back up to my main point, because that's what the fancy writers do

I was sexually abused. I never thought I'd be able to admit that, but it's entirely true. The first time was in elementary school by a fellow student. He was eventually caught touching other guys in the bathroom, but the teachers never knew I was one of the ones he touched.

Middle school was alright. Locker rooms suck no matter what, but all in all that wasn't so bad a time.

High school was the worst. I was overweight, growing into myself all awkwardly, and a target for every jock in the locker room. A lot of the hurtful bullying I actually dealt with alright (though if I'm truly honest, I probably was verging towards my first dissociation at that point.)

When it got bad was when a group of guys decided my body wasn't developing like theirs... which meant I was ripe for sex. Or something, I dunno. Regardless, that was the rape and I won't get into detail here.

So there I was, a teenager living in a pretty conservative Christian home, having been sexually interacted with by not one, but five different guys. I was so confused, and I'd be lying if I said there wasn't some self-harm going on in those days. Only ended up in the hospital once, but that was enough. I shut away the pain so deep and dark I would never have to feel it. I became the happy Christian kid I was supposed to be, and never spoke of it again.

Then college. College was awesome. It was exciting. It was liberating. It was sex. That was when the flashbacks started. The anger became uncontrollable and I didn't know why. I was so mad... but at who? Surely the images and scenes playing in my head when I was having sex with my girlfriend weren't real...

And there was the dissociation. Some people told me I was possessed- tell ya, there was a fun trip. Turns out, I had created something to deal with all that rage, and hate, and pain and stuck it there so I wouldn't need to deal with it myself. I started going to therapy about the time I was just beginning to understand this, and that helped for a while...

At least it was good until I started digging deeper into my own mind. I've since discovered a number of alternate... versions of me? I struggle to say they're proper alters in that sense of the word. I know I'm still me, and I usually know what they're up to. But there are times I lose myself or I blank out certain things. I'll probably talk about specifics with that as time goes by- I'm still working on setting up things with a new counselor and getting comfortable enough to talk about these apparent dissociative elements in my brain.

So in the midst of all the denial and terror and trying to face down the images and voices in my own head... I find myself on this forum, hiding behind a username, talking about things I'm still struggling to bring up with my counselor. What an odd duck I am. I wonder if this will even be read?

Regardless, that's who I am. Kudos to you if you read this and comment on it. +1 Karma to you!

Peace.

-Ithrean