Allot of work in my recovery process is about waking up from a protected fantasy bond; Ive had several; certainly I had a childhood fantasy bond. However, I was moved into an adult fantasy bond as well when the world was crumbling around me... I went from a childhood fantasy bond into someone crushing my life right from that fantasy bond; brutal monsters. Ive been in one ever since... I went from that protective fantasy bond to full dissociative disorder caused by massive PTSD overloads? Is that how shrinks look at it these days; who knows; its the only phrasing I know that makes sense.
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The first girl I loved did not like me; did not have any interest in me. Was not who I thought she was; she turns out to be like everyone else; not special; nothing! She abandons me and turns on me like anyone else of an average nature that sees very little if any reason to know me.. Has a generalized arrogance that is way beyond my scope of reality or interest. In other words; she seems to be a normal regular shallow person in society and nothing else. I made her into something else. Basically she is a stranger I made into someone close to me; this is a very stupid and dangerous thing to do; and I got bit! and the bite was ruthlessly hard... and it broke bones... I was in a fantasy bond.
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The work Im doing is waking me up to the fact that I had no lose here because this person fell fare short; so fare short of being what I wanted them to be or thought they were; something was wrong with my filtering system of taking in correct information. in fact; Im not sure I was ever taking in any information. I think a fantasy wall was created by those areas in my nervous system that had been overloaded and ruptured; this created to keep me safe from the outside world.
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I made the horrible mistake of opening up those walls for the wrong person. After being destroyed several times; for some strange reason I opened myself up to this next person; THis FIRST LOVE; and I was destroyed the same way I had always been destroyed by bad people. Im not sure; maybe I was tired and just once wanted to create someone into the idea of a decent person that would like me; I just wanted to be liked. It never happened. I got a hold of a female thug; that was all; and I was ripped to pieces; shredded; shredded with no conscious. I thought this was my friend and would never turn on me or forsake me. This person turned on me and forsook me in almost normal regular person fashion. In fact; it was right in line with the average worthless shallow people in society; I mean it was perfectly inline with them; thus telling me this person had always been a kind of shallow minded regular person. THe point is; I created them over the top larger then life within my fantasy bond. And I was destroyed for it.
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That's not true; I was not destroyed by this person because of who they might have been; I was destroyed because I left my room in the house I was staying in at the time and ventured out on my own accord; I listened to 2 drug addicts lie to me; I got into their car; ended up at a house with this young women as one of the occupants... and the rest is history. No one wanted to meet me; no one came to my house. I did this! I simply found another bad person... and for what ever unbelievable insane stupid reason; I let my walls down at which time I was sucked in; manipulated and completely torn apart.
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I let my walls down because I was a damaged person looking for relief; and when I let those walls down; I was immediately destroyed.
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The work Im doing under the universe is to become strong enough to allow myself to see the truth and sit with it; its about coming back into reality.
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THis girl Im talking about here; she doesn't just represent that time period I was looking for a wife; she represent maybe half or more of the people Ive ever met. She represents a wide swath of fake average people I...

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