Over the last year I've become emotionally dependant on someone I've developed feelings for.
I've never allowed myself to depend on someone before and I've come to the realisation that it was a terrible idea.
We've fallen out before and during those couple of months, I fell into a Great Depression. Da had to take over most of the time, because I was incapable of dealing with the emotional stress. It left a dead, hollow, emptiness in me, which still hasn't left.

A couple of months after, he came back and of course I couldn't help but forgive him.
Since then, I've grown even more attached to him. However I think I'm going to lose him again.
I've lost all appetite and I haven't eaten in the last two days. I can't sleep either. I feel like even if I do what he wants (which I haven't done because of the extreme anxiety it causes me) it won't fix it.

I've been in love before, but it never like this........It wasn't even close to this.

I hate myself

I harm myself physically, as a form of self punishment. If I break my word, or hurt someone I care about etc, I will burn myself. I always put the burns in places that will have constant contact or have clothing rubbing against them, so I have the constant reminder.
To remind me to strive to be better. That my actions hurt someone I care more about, than myself. So I don't put my selfish fears before them.

G also punishes the body, but not for the same reasons. She punishes weakness. It's weak to show fear, pain or kindness to others. To allow any vulnerabilities to be seen by people.
She used to drum into me, that we didn't need anyone else. I'm now finding it extremely hard to open up to people, and to not try and push them away, after I have.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I realise how mad all that may sound. But when I'm in that headspace... I can't think rationally. It's like being possessed, but still consciously aware.