I remember the time when i had something i needed to finish..
Some test, some cleaning or some holiday i was looking forward to.

Most of it was duties but ever now and again i would encounter something important, a new challenge or something new.
Like new shoes that needed to be walked in, or a new book with fresh pages..

Today i am still wearing new shoes, still buying new books but something is gone.
Like the first few leaves that fall of the autumn tree.
I too have lost some of my time and i can only look back at the memories.
For people who are not able to work life feels like a retirement. A retirement is a reminder of death.
A lot of "dead" time passes a head of me.
Sometimes it discourages me and other times it doesn`t.
But i miss expectations. Without people in my life who care for me i don`t have that same expectation of me nor my life, where i am going or time.
I am sorta lost in time. In all its emptiness, expectations and fullness.

Watching time slip away
The view is more important then anything or anybody.

(Not writing this because i am afraid of death..or dying..writing this because i am alive despite all those dead leaves that has fallen down beneath me, and despite all the branches that has broken off, i am still a tree-(or me ).

I have done a lot of thinking and i have come up with a ultimatum.

I have asked myself if i had a mother with a disease or a problem what kind of a problem would i like her to have? A mental one or a physical one? Which one is the most liable for me? Yes know this sounds egoistic but this place isn`t for normal talk.
So i know this person who has a medical liability in her family not her mother but nevertheless a problem.
IF you have read ALL my threads, ALL my blogs in here, then you will understand where i am coming from.

It takes a long time to get a mental disease. It takes a lot of wrongs in your life. And the question is can it be fixed?
Lets say you have a mother in a wheel chair..she gets the help she needs from nurses, medications etc..and she is still "working" its "just" that she is paralysed from the waist down. Having had some experience with a wheel chair user i know they get a lot of help. They have special taxies that drives them around and get the help they need, although they have a lot of obstacles to get around with a lot of hassle. And if you are going on a holiday you need to take in consideration to her needs.
She has probably got some mental disappointment that she is in a wheel chair but she has been that way all her life ( i actually know someone in a wheel chair who got pregnant, think she was in it all her life?)

So if i were to choose between a mentally stable mother who cared for me the way a mother should or a distant mother who might suffer from BPD and have married a very manipulative stepfather, and plus ALL the problems i have mentioned in here. I would have chosen the wheel chair.

I am not hating on people with BPD and not blaming it for all of my problems neither.
Its many things included in here that is not mentioned in here but in my other blogs.
My mother was so indisive because of her problems first of all, she struggle with her family in the early years, but also she struggled with abandonment problems. So i suspect she was afraid of being abandoned by her father because he could seem so careless sometimes (which is explained in a thread).
I think my mother has developed BPD ever since her childhood.

My grandpa was a little out of the ordinary.

And then she got a dominating/manipulating husband on top of that, which made her abandon me.


It really sucks not being able to say that you love your parents. It sucks because people might hold it against you like one of my ex`s did to me once. He said that people in their country who defied their parents would be cut up in 1000 pieces in the olden days. No really its true!
He understood that i had a problem with my parents even if i didn`t talk about it.
Guess he didn`t know how to respond to it so he just told me that story instead.
Even if i have never seen anyone been cut up in 1000 pieces, i have gotten some argumentative responses from people who somehow knew i had problems with my mother, but didn`t know what exactly those problems were. (Mostly elder people).
I once read a book that was called "how to raise a child from A-Z.. Hahaha the irony....what a great title...know where i found that book? In my parents bookshelf.
Yes i was working with children when i was younger and stumbled upon it.
For some reason i ended up on the letter "J" and on the page that handled "jealousy".

Don`t know if they have changed what it stood there since then? But back then it said that sibling rivalry often accumulated into jealousy. Then it said " sisters don`t automatically love each other" WHAT!???
I remember i was a big question mark when i read that. How could such a good and well written book write something like that?
They don`t love each other?
Really?
I thought all siblings loved each other
NOPE! There is was in black and white, just because they are in the same family doesn`t...

[ Continued ]

I was sitting next to a guy in a reunion party once, we had been speaking for about one hour when i suddenly realized who he really was-or got it told to me..

I was bafled since he looked so different from how he had been looking before.
His personality also had changed, he had become calmer.

She had been threatened with 1000$ and visitation denial (or you know where a judge say you are not allowed to approach that person).

Everything was dismissed.
Just because i had a tiny break down on the phone doesn`t mean i want to have contact with her.

I feel sad that our family situation has come to this. And i don`t know how to be sympathetic to my sister without "selling my foot"?

So to speak.
We have had different up bringings and she has lived for the most part with our father whom i never saw except for a few "accidental moments"..so that contact is nothing to speak about. And i didn`t get the reason for why i couldn`t see him until i was older, so not everything has been so easy for me to speak about to my friends, lovers and acquittance.
Maybe they should put some speakers on those crystal balls?

Sometimes i wish i had a crystal ball that could give me all the answers.
Sometimes life can be so confusing...

A few weeks ago i had a conversation with my sister on the phone. I called her because i had some important information and i couldn`t leave her out of it...

I hadn`t talked to her for a year and we haven`t got any contact with each other because we have so many problems.
I was struck by emotions when i heard her voice on the phone and i told her that i had missed her. Sometimes she can be a good shoulder to lean against but that feeling doesn`t last long until we have problems again, so that is why i have said that i didn`t want to have any contact with her. She can suddenly turn against me and this is not a good thing.

I miss the good times we had.
Although those times were over shadowed with problems, i always have a hope as i know she does too.

Yet realistically i know now that this is not going to happen....

So we started to talk on the phone, she didn`t hang up and i told her i had some important information about our family. She listened and then she started to talk about my supposed affair with our stepfather.

She lied.

I told her that i would back up her up if she came clean about the lie, but that didn`t change her aggressive mind...

Before that (the lie conversation was the last thing we talked about in the long phone conversation).

So before that she told me something else..

She said that our father (real father), had said something to her for a long time ago that she didn`t understand....

He said that he had done something to my sister (possibly when she was a child?9 and that if she knew what that horrible thing was then she wouldn`t want to have contact with him any more.

My sister don`t normally lie.

She told me that she had vague memories of someone standing over her bed as a child and that that person had brown eyes--------

Yet she wasn`t sure.

And neither am i.

I feel disturbed enough as it is.

I just listened not much else i can do.

Then after the lie conversation, after she was aggressive and yelling to me on the phone because i said it wasn`t true, then she hung up and wrote me a txt message. She was provoked because i had charged her for tagging my door and stalking me.
So even if the case was dismissed after a short hospital visit, she wanted me to withdraw the charges. She said if i wanted to see her i had to withdraw the charges because she was deemed as "unfit for the charges" or unreliable as they say here.