(My ex i met in the scouts and then much later in the fountain house)


WHAT A COINCIDENT!

I went to the scouts with my older sister(who i lived with for 4 months and who was the best friend of my friend ), my school friend (who i later lived with for 1 and a half year, not the same place as i lived with my sister but my sister was her sisters best friend at that time). And low and behold it turns out that my ex lets call him Kalvin also went to that same scout, i might have seen him once as a child there.

There is ment to be trouble out of this scenario people...
When i went to the scouts my sister was living with my father.
My sister visited me and my friend when we lived together. At that time she was very ill(mentally ill). Straight after the visit me and my friend fell a part and she moved out. Then i saw her again at my work 8 years later, she started to work in the same place as me.
I hoped she wouldn`t tell anybody about our argument since it was childish and dumb, but our circumstances were weak at that time to say the least and we both had our demons to battle.

I went to this really good psychologist many years ago, she was head psychologist in a departement that dealt with pshychiatric patients in my area.

She analyzed me straight after i had come out of hospital because of suicide attempt, and she was the best psychologist i had met since my head was starting to go to places it shouldn`t go...

She started (too) quick with a plan to get me into work again.
I was in a terrible state when i got there.
I didn`t think about work,study,boyfriends,social life etc..
Actually i was starting to think about social life right before i started my therapy there because a psychiatrist in the hospital where i was a few weeks had adviced me to go to a place called fountain house. So i started to go the (new)psychologist almost simultanously as i went to the fountain house.
Seeing as she was the head psychologist she was a few years older then the rest of the staff there, she quickly "took me under her wings" and was a very protective psychologist.
I told her why i had tried to take my life although i wasn`t too clear my self..
I told her a lot about the fountain house, she lead me into different areas while we were talking but we didn`t talk much about my family issues.
One day she just said " there is no justice in life" as i was talking.
She didn`t clearify as to why she had said it other then that it was a stated fact. This was said long after i had started my therapy with her and she was analyzing me for a long time before she said it.

What i think happened is that she started with a work/study/activity plan quickly to get me out of my flat and into activity again. This would eventually give me self realisations...and it would prevent me from having too much time on my hands and becoming suicidale again.

So this was decided by her before she realized that my problems with my family was worse then she first realized. I hadn`t seen my family for a long while when i came to her, so she knew i didn`t have any contact with them. And i didn`t have any contact with them while i went to her.
(but i had some contact with my mother when i went to the one after her).

She knew that my mother had 3 children in her first marriage and 3 in her second. What i think happened is that she knew she couldn`t change my family situation so she wanted to change mine instead, yet many things were not being "cleared out" during my many sessions with her over a 2 year periode. She said that she thought my mother was too dominating, but that was as far as she could analyze this situation.
So those two comments were the only comments she gave to me about my family situation and she never lead me to talk about them again.

Maybe she knew that i hadn`t matured enough? Maybe she wanted to deal with what was most important? ???????

A short while before she got ill(dead?), she told me that when i started the flower decoration course our therapy would be over. I was at that time going to start the course in two months.

I held her hand when she was treating me and did the things i was told.
In retrospect i wish we had talked more about things that mattered to me and less about the symptoms.
More about the reasons to why i tried to take suicide, because there are so many reasons and she pointed them out but she never investigated them more.

I don`t know what she would have said in my last session? Would she say go and see a family therapist?(since she wasn`t one?) would she say "come back if you get more problems?

Would she change her mind and say i could stay for another year?

In her world it must have looked as if i was stable and that was important for my working office to see. She was the expert who analyzed me and who doubts a chief psychologist?

There were some issues about my family that hadn`t seen the light of day when i went to that therapist(and the other one). She tried to dig for it(something). She asked me if i had been sexually abused by my brother....

[ Continued ]

My mother was afraid of spiders when i was a child. She used to scream when she saw them & it made my stepfather call her neurotic & hysterical. Another thing she was afraid of was dogs, a fear that she kept even after we got a dog which was much smaller then the one she was attacked by when she was a child.

Over to the mice well she feared my rats when i was a child but i never saw her jump on tables for mice, yet that would have been an even funnier sight then the one i got when i realized my rats into her bedroom while she was getting changed. I heard a large scream followed by my own laughter-MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
Its fun to be a child because you can get away with doing so many bad/vicious/evil and dumb things. Being an adult is not quite so fun when you get caught.
The rats were delivered back to the lab for experiments...oh well i guess adults also get away with evil things sometimes.

THE END

P.S know i didn`t mention mice in my blog but it just sounded better, maybe i am getting narcissistic about my writing idk?

Well...what do they say? Ah.."there is evil there that does not sleep"

I do sleep in fact too much and it has gotten me to ask some serious questions. Sometimes i can sleep for many hours, get up and eat and then fall back into sleep for many hours again.
When i was younger i used to sleep thru the chimes of my alarm clock, my stepfather had to wake me up several times. When i started to work i went to a clock shop and asked him for the most horrible/loud sound he had, he gave me an alarm clock that sounds like a machine gun, it started of slowly but then grew louder and more evil, i bounced out of bed.

99% of the time i got up in time for work, so i wasn`t late that often, but some days i felt like i was on a unemotional robot mode, just hoping that nothing emotional would get into my way when i had days like that. Then i saw a program a few months ago about Kleine-Levin syndrome and i realized that i have a milder form of this. I recognized myself in the girl when she got up looked awake but her body/head/mind just wasn`t there, she wasn`t clear. Its like you are still asleep and all you are able to do is get something to eat and go back into bed.
Even when i am on holiday and flushed with happiness/adrenalin i still have to go back to bed for a whole day after a whole nights sleep.
You just don`t "see" clear, you are tired and "locked in". Its something neurological. Like some signals are messed up.