The first time i had a (real) suicide attempt i caved into a big depression that lasted me a long time.

I had been seeing a man for 3 months and due to circumstances we decided to move together.
We lived together for 6 months and it was up and down until it ended.

I ended up in a hospital bed and crawled around for a few years trying to pick up my pieces where i had left them.

We are friends today even if we have no contact.

When we are talking about responsibilities and doing the right thing we often talk about adults and not children.

In many cases i have said that i am not satisfied with my parents.

Unfortunately i have had to "play" with the cards dealt me and nobody was there taking any of the scores.

If they had been there they might have noticed that i was some years in a damp, dark and moist basement. (I changed room when i was appr. 12y until then i had shared a room with 2 smaller half siblings).

The fact is that into this basement my stepfather placed not one but two moisture "factories", one was the washing machine (that was for the whole family), and the other was a shower cabinet (with an open top, it was placed there because me and my biological sister who had now moved in with us could shower downstairs since the only shower up stairs was in our parents bedroom, and my stepfather didn`t want us there). So the white painted brick wall was shedding paint and underneath it was mould. YES MOULD!

Not exactly the right environment to let your children sleep and do their home work in.

My stepfather lost his father when i was 12. Looking back on it today and seeing how sympathetic i was supposed to be to him for losing his father, when my father was alive only 1 hour away(yet i wasn`t allowed to see him). So it was bizarre.

He was allowed to mourn over his lost father but i wasn`t even allowed mentioning my fathers name without some cynical reaction.

Many years ago i read a book by Marilyn French about the relationship between a mother and a daugter(called something like "her mothers daughter"? Don`t know the english title for it).

There she mentions how a mother is being eaten from the inside out by her children, that her children take nourishment from their mother.

I think its a good symbolism, much of the book was about how her mother had made sacrifices.

I think for every relationship one makes there is bound to be some sacrifices.

When i look back at my childhood i can see how the road churns and goes against my favour for every choice made by my mother i lost a status.

Then i kept on loosing, in a way i felt cut up into little pieces.

I gave my toys, clothes and even my personal belongings to my half sisters-all to be accepted by them.

What i didn`t realize then was that i gave away my own identity, but it was expected from my mother and stepfather.

I had to share the room that used to be only mine with two younger siblings.

I only had 10% of the room as my stepfather had built a "loft" we call it a "hems" up in the ceiling.

Its like an oversized bunk bed with floor.

It was strange that i had to live so crammed when they had 3 living rooms.

Hearing your mother say that there is no room for you is not motivating.

Piece by piece i was eaten from the inside out.

Like a belt that keeps on getting tighter as the years go by

in the end you are expected to bloom on nothing

and then when you finally get your seed in the ground someone above you comes and stamps on it.

So now my elder sister are fighting with me-first i survive living as the only child from a different marriage in a new family,and then i have to survive my old family not coping with me living in the new one.

It both felt and was absurd.

A lot of bickering in between the families.

My father would talk about my mother with his two other children, so when they came over they would have split feelings about her new marriage-yet they would not talk about it before they got some years older. But the tense feelings were always there-i just wonder with all my father hatred how he expected me to have a good time living with my stepfather?

A lot of projecting i think i took the blame for others some times, and then that puts a tow on my relationships with my half siblings which is the only relationship in the family that is steady, as i see my real siblings so rarely.

So nothing was left alone, yet i felt as lonely as anyone.

All this confusion left me in a terrible mental state.

Whenever my stepfather wasn`t satisfied with me he made me feel like i was a no one, my relationships with MY family depended on how satisfied he was.

And his favourite hobby was to find my weaknesses and then showing them to my mother.

He did the same with my other siblings.

Always diminishing us.
And being as strong as a thread made of air, my mother wouldn`t do anything.

When your family pushes you to insanity you don`t forget them.

You remember them for always with hate and bitterness.

Today like all other days i dedicate this blog to myself.

I should be doing things but my back has been holding me back-hahahahahahahah

I am taking drugs for it, but i need to get to the (not so friendly) doctor and get more medication and a new appointment to see a back specialist-as i need to know exactly what is going on back there-hahahahahaha

Ah..i should stop giving myself the giggles.

So nothing new on this front except for some new jokes maybe?

After a skiing trip last weekend my back has been in a weird mambo mood. At first it was my arm that was painful, then my back got a bit "woobly" and i thought a swim would make it better but it didn`t so now i am on medication.
I think its some sort of a infection that comes sometimes, but its also some stiffness,ah its not easy this back life. Front life is going as normal, with the normal "i need to get groceries, and paying bills etc.."

When once back is a chess board, one always makes sure to get the small guys out first. In this case small guys is my way of saying that some things have to give (for a few days) and i have to prioritize what is the most important right now.
So the small guys will have to wait until their queen is happy(sorry guys).