Communication can sometimes be fun even thou its complicated most of the time.

Either we said too much or too little? Spoke too soon or too late? Raised our voices too much or didn`t speak loud enough.

Sometimes we hear things we don`t want to hear, sometimes we hear good things.

Sometimes we hear shocking things, sometimes we don`t listen at all.

Urgh..i am not in the mood to sit here and tell you have swell life is right now.

I haven`t washed clothes as i was supposed to do, i haven`t gone to the gym and i haven`t bought a stamp for an important letter, so i am procrastinating. First sleep and then the rest of it kinda lacks possibility either because the store is closed or the timing isn`t right.

So right now isn`t always right.

I`m gonna tell you! I had been going thru so much in that family, before i moved into the basement i had taken care of both of my half siblings ever since they were born.
I had changed their diaper s, feed them, guarded them, carried them, picked them up every day from nursery, and thought them everything i knew. I was the best baby sitter my mum had since all our au-pairs were short-lived.

She would hand the children in my care for longer or shorter periods. When they got a bit older i would take care of them when my parents were away for the weekend.

So not only did i have responsibility for them but also for the house.

After all that, my mother just turned her back on me because i had used the spray down in my basement.

Also my home work had suffered because until i was 12 i shared a noisy room with my half siblings. There was a television in the room that constantly would play cartoons, noises from toys and yelling in between my two half sisters. Very noisy.

And because i picked them up every day after school i also lost those hours after school for both recreation time with my friends and home work.

I had to look after them all the time.

Then my sister moved in with us and down into the basement, she had many problems with my stepfather so now i had yet another problem to handle.

And acknowledge the fact that she was my biologically sister on the top of going thru my adolescence which has its disturbances and challenges.
So again i was twisted mentally because i had to take care of her mental issues, she would cry every time she had a fight with my stepfather.

She got very close to me in that period and i felt as if i was living thru her.

In a way we were supporting on each other in those years.

She was new in the family since she had lived with my father since the divorce, and i was "expelled" from the family up stairs.. and her fights with our stepfather did not make my relationship with him any easier, so now my whole family was lying on my sisters shoulders.

My father left me
my siblings hated my mother and stepfather thru me
i used to share room with my half siblings from i was 9-12
when i was 12 i moved downstairs to the basement where i lived alone for a short while until my elder sibling moved in with us

the basement was under the kitchen and it laid isolated from the rest of the house so i felt exluded from the family (my mother, stepfather and 2 halfsisters) upstairs.
There was a sliding door to the kitchen and the rest of the rooms were on the other side of the flat.

So it was basically just me, dust and some spiders...

then there was that spider incident and the dog argument.
It all just became too overwhelming.
With ALL the conflicts that touched every one i had relations to.

My mentality cracked for a short while and i did something desperate, silly and dumb to our dog, which had acted as a projection for my stepfathers anger about my mothers abortion and then that argument also became about his love for his first born who was complaining about the dog, so he was proclaiming his love for her, and how he would always be there for her and back her up. Which for me wasn`t a good thing to hear since i had lost my father. At that time i didn`t understand it. I was inside my shell and my mother pretended as if nothing was wrong with neither me nor her last family. (the dog was not hurt).
Shortly after they had to sell because it was howling when nobody was home and the neighbours complained about it.
I think my feelings took over my action.

When i was 4 i walked in on my stepfather and mum having sex. I laid in the room close to them and could hear my mother screaming, so i walk in to them to see what was happening and i was met with a spank on my ass and pushed into my room with order of not going in there again.

Naturally i was shocked.

I also received a shower of yelling when i was in the car with my mother one day and asked her where my father was. That was the first time she yelled at me.

I have a very twisted situation, that has felt both destructive and shattered at the same time.

I guess its the only time i have done something down right silly and twisted.

And no i wasn`t drinking that day...my last drink was half a beer on first of january-i chucked the rest of it down the drain cuz i didn`t feel like drinking. Perhaps i should get appraisal for all the things i am not doing? Like taking drugs, killing people or taking my own life. But the truth is the only ones who cares about that is (or should be) my family, but they have never cared about me.

There`s absolutely no use in sitting and wishing for something i am never going to get.

When people talk about rivalry in between siblings, i get what they mean, but that has never been the case for me...well if you exclude my stalking sister-she has had an ongoing war against me inside her head ever since we were children.

She got so angry seeing that i had her red dress in my closet. She came to visit my mother when we were young (i was about 5). She looked at my room and went in my closet where she saw the red dress that used to belong to her before... I didn`t know it had been hers i assumed(being in my age), that it had appeared magically in my closet...

She got quiet, sulky and angry.

I couldn`t use the dress since it was too small for me, so it just hung there because it was so pretty with sequins. Later my sister got it back and hung it up on her wall.

It had probably followed the moving van in a box and my mum probably brought it with her because it was too small for my sister?
Still it shows how emotionally unattached she was to her first children. It was a ball room dress.

When i was a child i had like all other children infections(ear infections, coughing, colds etc..). Its normal for children to go thru (i think its called the 5 children diseases?) infections during childhood.

Its the way for the body to get immune.
I do think that because of my losses during a difficult divorce i went thru a period with more diseases.

So my stepfather had my tonsils removed because he thought they were causing my ear infections which then lead me not to hear well. They first sent me to a ear doctor who concluded (if my memory isn`t wrong) that there was nothing wrong with my hearing. He took a lot of tests and i could hear all the sounds.

I didn`t have problems with my hearing but my stepfather insisted that i called him "dad" instead of his name, which i sometimes forgot to do so he would get angry.