I feel a little sad. I mean, Andrew acts real weird with me. I know I can'tsuddenly appear and expect everything to be as it was two and a half years ago... That just isn't going to happen. It's not really possible. I wish it was but it isn't. I don't even know where I'm going with this entry. It makes me freak out when I'm out and Andrew is, well, nonchalant at best. It makes me wanna go hide inside for, like, ever. Or maybe another year or so. Sigh. Love is hard. Whenever someone in the system decides to risk coming out and chancing telling the person we're in love with the truth, it always results in horrible vulnerability and pain.

Right now it feels like Andrew isn't even interested. I mean, why would he be? He's known I exist for like, a week. But it's painful sitting around feeling like he's indifferent to my very existance.

Maybe we all rish into things a lot. It has to be all or nothing, and at the minute, andrew's indifference is making me think it's gonna be nothing and making me wanna hide away again so the resulting hurt goes away.

I mean, what the hell is he doign anyway, making this mistake again? He's learned what being involved with us is like, not only first hand but through the 'psych' stories fed back by our exes. He's an idiot. He's making a stupid mistake even letting me near him. HE KNOWS WE'RE UNBALANCED WHAT IS HE DOING .

I wanna hide away again. I'm apparently one of the only 'alters' capable of atually feeling love and I wanna run away from it. I'm ######6 terrified. This is the first time any of us have actually felt something real for someone (who wasn't 200 miles away and hates us) in a long time. I'm very terrified and after thinking it through logically it actually makes a lot of sense that I'd wanna run away from this very real prospect of rejection.

i don't know what I'm thinking. Falling into Sophie's stupid idea that alters can actally have their own lives and emotions. We can't, 'cause that's all people are going to look at us as... Alters... Others... Bits of her... And it's starting to piss me off. What makes her so special? She can't even feel love without us. She's nothing without us. Useless at socialising, learning, revising, feeling actual emotions. Everything. She's bloody terrible at it and her being host is PISSING ME OFF.

Laura <3

Laura's feeligns for Andrew are really throwing me off. Matt wants to come over tomorrow to pick up some stuff and I've realised I have no idea how I feel about him anymore. I have been so busy thinking about Andrew (Why? *I* don't even like him) that I've just been avoiding thinking about Matt at all. Yet today he asks to come over to pick up some stuff and I can't bear the thought of him just showing up, taking his stuff and leaving. I mean, what is this? Do I like him? Does an alter like him? I wish I knew, I really do. 'Cause I'm tagging him along and it's not fair. If I like him why can I not commit to an actual relationship with him? But if I don't why did I get so insanely jealous that I OD'd in late February? Am I just that unbalanced? That controlling? I mean, I forced him to get rid of Daniel and Luke as friends, too. Am I just evil or do I like him?

I should probably be alone. I need therapy. Not like I'm trying my goddamn hardest to get it.

Maybe I just don't like anyone. Maybe I'm just a heartless, emotionaless host who literally does not have the capability to feel actual love or even infatuation. Maybe I'm better off letting Laura host or maybe I'm completely overreacting.

Jodi x

Something I find myself being grateful for is the fact that I seem to have accepted the existence of my alters. Before the whole Laura/Andrew incident, I'd doubt them and think I was making it all up on some unconscious level... But Laura's feelings for Andrew are so far from my own feelings that I just can't deny the fact there's more than one person living in my mind anymore.

Something I find quite amazing about the whole Laura thing. In January '09, when we were 'going out' (presumably Laura's influence) she used to do this thing where she hid her face from him. Now, last Thursday, she came out properly as herself, and the first thing she did when she realised she'd switched was to cover her face the exact same way. What I found astounding was that Andrew knew, just from this simple act, that it wasn't me and knew it was the alter that had been around in January '09. Since he's the least psychologically knowledgably person I know I found it quite amazing that he noticed it wasn't me and knew exactly who it was.

Depression doesn't seem to be so bad at the minute... Which is awesome because I expected it would be in full swing by now, dragging me down all day, every day, into its suicidal depths. But its not, so I'm grateful. I wonder whether I should even ask to be put on more meds. Although judging by the pattern of the last few years I am expecting a major depressive episode so I think I will ask for more meds if not just to hurry through all the different types of SSRIs and prove that they just aren't working for me, and hoepfully get put on some mood stabilizers in the name of 'TRD'!

Jodi x

So confused these days. I woke up this morning and asked myself what day it was three times before I got out of bed - and I got it wrong once! It's like morning ritual to wake up and spend an hour or so trying to remember who I am.

Results in 8 days... Excited! Get to find out where I'm spending the next 3 years of my life. And also just how much better at exams Aaron is than me! Love having a revision/exam sitting alter. So handy! I always get reeeally anxious the closer it gets to results day, even though I've been looking forward to it since my first exam!

Jodi x

It's like, 3.30am. Keep thinking of Andrew <3 hehe. I'm fairly turned on, and I wish he was here!

I hope I'm not scaring him off! Feel like we're talking to him too much these days, and bugging him. Hope not .

Think he's going to coem stay over on Thursday <3. Excited. Wonder if he is?

Laura <3