I am not feeling well this evening. One of my two hamsters died sometime this evening. I usually feed them or give them treats before I have my dinner and one of them was lying in the hutch. I am not sure what happened. I picked them both up at a rescue shelter about six months ago, where I also got my cat. She did not act sick and was eating fine. She was just lying there when I went to feed her. The hamsters are kept in seperate enclosures because hamsters don't get along well. She couldn't have been fighting with the other hamster.

It is hard for me to say this to others but it was emotional for me as I consider pets to be my companions, regardless of how large or small they are. People might think that strange or laugh at me that I got upset but they are all I have and are nice to come home to come home to and look after. I like to think I gave her some extra time by taking her in from the shelter. I buried her in my small garden outside of my residence. I would like to think at least I gave her a good home and prologned life a little from certain demise in the shelter.

RIP Daisy. Travel well, friend.

To take my mind off a bad day, I set about building a non-lethal mousetrap from internet instructions. Some of the ideas out there are interesting.

The one that seems to have the greates success is the garbage can method. Take an empty garbage can and an empty tube from paper rolls. Put some food at the end of the roll and balance the tube on the corner of a surface the mouse can accces so it will fall into the bin when the mouse reaches the end. The mouse falls into the bin and lands on cushion you put inside so the mouse does not get injured from the fall. I also put down water and some food scraps for the mouse, as reccomended, since they can dehydrate very quickly and die. In the morning, the mouse can be relocated and set outdoors.

I will see what happens tonight.

There is a field mouse living somewhere in my laundry room. I don't want to kill it with a mouse trap, however. I have a soft spot for animals. I get choked up if I were to run over a chipmunk in my car. A couple of times, I have walked up on it and it takes off like no tomorrow. I won't be able to catch it by throwing a pillow over it or something like that. I used to keep rodents as pets. Had guine pigs, mice, fancy rats. It also reminds me too much of my former little buddies to just clobber it.

The little bugger is annoying the hell out of me, though, and I don't know how to get it out. I might get a box and trap it with some food then take it outside. Those things can be noisy. At first, i thought a bear was going through my kitchen. They try to get into the garbage or knock something over while scurrying around. They can be loud. I would not mind sharing the space if it wasn't so loud and I didn't have to clean up the droppings it leaves in the corrner of the laundry room. I hope it doesn't have babies or something.

I am very secretive in terms of emotions. I always felt showing emotions(outside of anger) was a sign of weakness. Its a fear of judgement, I guess. I prefer to think my way through things.

This has made therapy difficult at times. Opening up to someone is extremely hard. I still have trouble with it. I did find a counseler I am comfortable with but it still is a struggle. In my 46 years of walking the eath, I have never opened up to anyone to the point that I bared my soul. Eventually, perhaps, with a counseler but it is tough.

The very last thing anyone would ever see me do is cry. For me, it would be the ultimate humliation. Again, rationally, it makes no sense but emotions are not rational. They are not ammenable to neat and tidy solutions, as are mathematical equations or a physics problem. I even feel humiliation and shame if I were to cry, even when alone. So I don't do it. Men don't cry. The odd thing is, when I see someone cry, I don't judge the person like that. This judegement only applies to me. That is pretty conflicting but whoeever said this issue was rational?

So, if someone asked me, "How are you feeling?", my answer would likely involve telling the person whatever I think will put me in the best light and involve what I think will be the least amount of judgement on the part of the person asking the question.

Rationally, it is obvious that this behavior is a result of extreme sensttivty to fear of criticism. Dealing with it is another story. In fact, sometimes I wish I dId not have emotions of any kind. Whatever evolutionary selective advantage emotions gave to our species when nature crafted our nervous system seems to be totally lost on me. They have always been a source of frustration and conflict rather than asisstance.

Again, rationally, part of the reason for such patterns is never having a family unit. Growing up in boardng homes and oprhanages, there is often not a whole lot of emotional interaction on a deeply personal level. Add to that, sexual abuse and bullying and it makes perfect rational sense why someone would react as such. I don't blame myself in this regards. I am just using defense mechanisms.

I would also find being in a intimate relationship very tough--too tough, emotionally. If someone were to say to me, "I love you", I honestly wouldnt kow what to say. What the heck do you say to that? "OK"?, "Thanks"? , "ahhh..that's nice"? Quite honestly, the reaction I would most likely have is not one of a positive feeling but a feeling of embarassment--red faced.

Going around life with the persona of Mr Spock is not exactly the way to get people to like you but it is just a front to hide whats really going on inside. Most people, not knowing this, pass judgements on you for being arrogant, aloof, or stuck up. So, in terms of getting people to like you, it can be a no-win situation. It is easy to just say, 'why even try?' -- which I have done many times. My answer is, I don't know why I try. I guess I still hold out hope that I can be liked for who I am, without all the baggage and if I let my guard down. It is a scary prospect, however.

Beam me up, Scotty !

I almost got t-boned in my car today. Some lady was talking on her cell phone, oblivious to what was going on around her. I was at a three-way interesection and the light turned green. As I started moving out, so did the lady with the cell phone, who was stopped at the red light. She kept right on going, oblivious that the light was red.

I have noticed the past year or so the problem has become worse. You can usually tell who is talking on their cellphone because they weave in and out of their lane and are usually going 20mph slower than anyone else while they are in the fast lane.

Please. Put down the cell phone and drive !!!

Arghhhhh