Hello, I’m new here. I think I need this. (Venting and writing to imaginary comrades who's opinions are created by their own and do not stem from my own thinking. Re-reading my posts and your posts.) I think it would help me normalize myself better.

Anyways, for starters: For the past years of my life, I think I never genuinely care about others just for the sake of caring for them. I mean I feel like I’ve been forced to care, because it is expected of me; and it would actually benefit me because, when I show that I care, people see me as a good sweet caring person. But if those beneficial factors aren’t around and no one is watching, everyone can perish-disappear-die-burst into flames and it wouldn’t faze me; however it might amuse me. Yes, people’s death is saddening, and a moment of silence and appreciation will be given; but I think grieving too much about it, will only cost me at the end. I think it’s a waste of time and I feel sorry for the people who have been hard-wired to react that way. It pisses me off that I can’t say in public how I really feel, because I know for a fact that if I did, people will see me as cold-hearted and emotionless. And I think that’s not true. I have emotions.

Lately, I’ve been thinking how I would react when my mother passes away. The first thing, I could think of are the expenses and preparation time for her funeral that will cost me. I love my mom and I feel that my initial reaction isn’t a normal reaction. I feel I should cry first for loosing her, instead of being annoyed that I got left behind and have to deal with all the death preparation tasks; instead of thinking that I won’t have anyone else to rely and trust (aside from myself and my cat). I basically lost a resourceful life teammate, in addition to being burden with her end-of life legal issues.

I only have three semi-close friends, though I want to have more. Because having more friends is normal, isn’t it? But I find it difficult and tiring to do so, because I’ve learned in order to build and maintain friendships you have to be interested with your friends’ well-being and daily activities. To be honest, I’m not really that thrilled to listen to them talk about themselves and their opinions for hours. I wouldn't mind them talking but I will not absord a word spoken. (White-noises are the sounds I hear when people chatter amongst themselves). And I don’t like talking about myself because there’s really nothing to tell, unless I talk about the unconventional ideas I have in my head. But I’m afraid that would freak out new potential friends. I onced bestowed my real thoughts with my semi-closes friends and they were a little freaked out.
When we were on a road trip, as we passed through houses whose streets-lights were off; though we could see inside their houses and the number of people inside. I asked: "Do you think we can get inside those houses, kill them, and get away with it? It’s pretty random and we don’t live near here. So, nothing to connect us".
They looked at me unnervingly and unsure. At that moment, I felt that I shouldn’t have been so eagerly honest about my current thoughts, so I played it off by laughing like a maniacal villain and then added “you guys should have seen the look on your face” and laughed. However, I wonder what memorable experience it would have been, if they had replied: “yeah let’s try it”.
Though I’ve been told that’s not normal thinking, I always wonder why they say it isn’t normal. I don’t believe that I’m the only one that thinks this way. Right? I think through fear and rejection by the religious-self righteous masses, many has learned not to express their real desires. I'm currently one of them. Insignificant fearful highly cautious freak hiding behind various masks, torn between the desire to be accepted by the norms and the desire to be my real self.

So now I’d rather we shut up and just do “normal” fun stuff. Unfortunately, most people want to talk, especialy girls. I...

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