As I was getting into the shower I had a bad spike this morning about self harm. It was "I don't want to live" thoughts that just felt so real. I composed myself, accepted the thought and went on my merry way except I was still very anxious. I took my Lexapro. About an hour later I was feeling great and normal again. My OCD tries to talk me into being depressed, since depressed people are more likely to harm themselves.

I am going to beat this $#%^ one way or another. It may take me another month, six months, or a year but I am going to beat it and get my old mind back, the one that loved life and only got anxious about things that it was supposed to get anxious about.

Question for all you pure O people out there: has anyone tried hypnosis with success and are Pure O people even capable of being hypnotized?

Third day of Lexapro in the morning. It kind of numbs me at 15 mg but also chops my intrusive thoughts and anxiety in half at least.


I am still trying to figure out the reason I was prescribed Lamictal for OCD and anxiety? Does the doctor not want to tell me I may be bipolar. Not sure I like the way it makes me feel at 100 mg either.

Sometimes I wish I was in an accident and knocked silly and I came out with a different brain, one that was free of anxiety and racing thoughts. Maybe a Forrest Gump type attitude with a little more intelligence.

Reading a book called Proof of Heaven. Interesting story about a neurosurgeon who developed meningitis and went into a coma for seven days. His journey into what he is sure was heaven before he woke up is pretty incredible. Would love to know other opinions on this subject.

None. Zip. Zilch. Why can't every day be like this?

When my mind even starts to go there, it automatically redirects to something productive.

Anyone ever feel obsessed with your mental state and how your brain is, sort of a mental health anxiety?

Really want to push up Lexapro and Lamictal downward. I think Lamictal is preventing me from feeling truly happy, at least at that dose. Don't feel sad either. Lexapro has never done that to me in the past, so i don't think it's the culprit.

In fact when I do laugh, I almost feel guilty about it.

Brain keeps questioning life and meaning and happiness to the tune of two or three spikes per day.

I hope this is not really the new me or my meds causing this. I hope its my Pure O but I am starting to wonder sometimes.

Okay, here's the skinny: 49 years old with two bad bouts of health anxiety that both lasted a year each, one when I was in my early 20s and one in my early 30s. Put on a low dose of Celexa/Lexapro which has worked great for years. Always have been superstitious but never considered it OCD.

Last April tried to go off of Lexapro and take a low dose of Wellbutrin. Thought it might help me lose the last 10 pounds I wanted off. Boy, was that a mistake. Had an intrusive hopeless almost suicidal thought pass in my head even though I have no reason to be suicidal. From then on, that was all I could think about this summer. Went to therapy and was diagnosed for the first time in my life with OCD. Tried a variety of different meds including Remeron and just got worse. Barely could function at work and home life was trying. Thoughts just kept coming along with the resulting anxiety, which led to some moderate depression. Went back on the Lexapro, added in Lamictal on the advice of a therapist, threw in some Xanax once in a while for good measure in late September.

Felt much better. Depression went away and thoughts were much less. Continuing my therapy.

Lately though my Pure O has morphed from fear of self harm to questioning the point of life, whether there is an afterlife, etc. It is like I am powerless over these thoughts, they have taken over my brain. I hate them. I have never been a religious zealot, but am a Christian and do believe we are here for a purpose on earth. So why the hell am I thinking the opposite. I wonder if the meds are having some sort effect on me or if this is truly my OCD twisting me around.