I am kind of new to this. Not new to the experience of DID, certainly. But new in finding a therapist I trust enough to keep going to for help. The problem, after 10 sessions, is she is really getting into this thing. It is like she wants a Hollywood-style "Sybil" patient and keeps encouraging me to exhibit myselves. When we first began therapy, she said she was not interested in calling out the individual selves, or even total integration. She just wanted to explore with me the possibility of traumatic childhood events and the effect that sexual abuse in marriage had on me as an adult. Now, if my style of dress is a little different, she says, "Who are YOU?" Nope, it's just me. The same old me as last week. My identities don't have different names (yet), just their own ways of protecting me, accusing me, hiding me, whatever. It is like my therapist wants a full roster of my System...and I don't have one.

This is upsetting. I leave each time, go straight home, and lie in bed for the rest of the day. (My appointments are at 9am.) This is all moving way too fast. All I wanted, actually, was a friend I could talk to about the problems of dissociating. Let's face it, family and friends are not usually up to this. So I go to a therapist. She is great. I think, finally. A therapist who gets it. She says we are not running a race, we are not going to hurry through this, and she says safety is first and foremost.

Today I brought up a safety issue. I really needed to address what was going on. But she wanted to ferret out "who" was responsible. I wanted to discuss the fact I was not taking my medications properly and might be a danger to myself. Maybe a 45 minute session once a week is just not enough. I just begin to open up and get to the heart of what I want to discuss, and the time is over. And I have to wait a whole week to go back. It is so frustrating. I have no intention of quitting again (which I've done many times in the past with other therapists.) But I wrote my therapist a letter today and left it in her office where she couldn't miss it. I explained we need to course-correct, recalibrate, and approach this at a slower pace and from a slightly different direction. I hope her response is positive.