I am gonna try to put this $#%^ down on paper to attempt to get it out of my head. I guess it is just I don't get the point of my life. I don't see anything good in my future I guess. Not necessarily saying my life is going to be complete $#%^, but I don't think my life is ever going to matter. I feel that my life does not matter and if i die today it would not matter (hell it may be better off without me). Maybe I am suicidal maybe I am not I don't know. I simultaneously want my existence erased, but hate the thought of nothingness that is death. I have accepted the fact that I am going to die (funny I guess coming from a 21 year old), but want to avoid the abyss for now. I guess all I want is some direction in my life. Just feel lost I think....well I guess that is not true. I feel like I have always felt in the middle of nowhere with no place to go. I feel like a ghost just waiting for my existence to pass by and finally rest. Never really let anyone know how I think about my life (so I guess the perfect place to finally say it is on the internet where everyone can read it). I doubt anyone will actually read this and don't want anyone's pity or empathy. Just hoping rereading this later on will help me see how pathetic this line of thinking is. This is life and I need to just suck it up