Just some stuff I'm learning...
(written around 20 June, 2011)
Just a thought that's important:
When you want to help someone, it's good to realize people don't always know what they need, what they're screaming for inside.
I'm not saying you should barge in and give them your version of the be-all/end-all of solutions in an arrogant manner.
I'm just saying that we seem to be expected to have a vast degree of insight and practicality and knowledge about our own emotional crises so that we can tell others how to help us when they ask. ...Actually, sometimes this expectation is more from yourself than from others.
One great thing I've learned this year is that I can say, "I don't know."
It's natural for us to want to know things--I'm the worst for that driving knowledge-lust in my mind or heart!
But we don't always know.
And then we can say so.
This was a revelation to me this year and it has altered my life in an only seemingly small way.
When someone asks a question, for example. Some questions could short-circuit your brain if you let them...you have to stop everything you're doing to untangle them.
So I've learned that you don't always have to fit into the box someone has conveniently (connivingly?) created for you to step into. You don't have to feel pressured into saying something.
Sometimes...
you can just say,
"I don't know."
People may continue to pressure you after that. But the power of "I don't know" is that people can't do much with it...can't really back you into corners when you say it...you can just keep saying it until the person gets it.
And I've discovered you can practice this "I don't know" phenomenon with how you're feeling, too.
You can try and express yourself, but if your friends (or anybody else) want a perfect explanation of why you're feeling a certain way, or even a 75% perfect or 10% perfect explanation...and you can't form the words...if you haven't even fully realized what's going on inside you or why...if you can just say "I'm feeling really bad"...or "I'm feeling..." and not being able to finish the sentence, your look of confusion should tell them something...and it should be enough for a friend.
I've discovered that some people will stop trying to help you when you don't know how to express yourself better than that.
I know: people can't help you specifically if they don't know what you're going through specifically.
But by "help," I guess I mean just being there for you...not forgetting about you...staying in touch and remembering that you're dealing with something, whatever it is...even, dare I say, suggesting things they think might help us in particular because they know us better than just about anyone else and aren't battling the emotional haze that's clouding our own vision.
Some people are lucky to have such a friend...someone who can know when they don't know.