Some days I miss her. Some days I worry for her so much. She was my best friend for 14 years. Granted, that title might be giving her too much credit. She never really made time for me, and only recently I noticed she was actually pretty mean to me.

Last month, I decided to let her go. She's been sick for a long time and I know it's a mental health issue. I tried over and over again to gently persuade her to get help. I took her to psychiatric emergency services, but she didn't continue treatment. I made appointments with mental health clinics, because she asked me to, and then she would cancel. I encouraged her to sign up for the health insurance through the marketplace when she went years without insurance, and I even offered to help her fill the application out, but she never followed through. I gave her the number to my therapist. It was all in vain. You truly can't help someone unless they want to be helped.

In all this time, she barely ate anything. She has waisted away practically into a skeleton. Instead of investing in herself and her health, she has acquired a zoo of animals. She takes exemplary care of them, but not of herself. Then, she recently talked about wanting to have children with the man she's married to. A man who looks at pseudo-porn of little girls. I'm at least glad she wouldn't be able to get pregnant given her health.

Of course, all of that non-eating takes a tole on the body. She gets sores all over her body. She frequently has a staff infection. She finally got insurance and went to the doctor only to find out that she needed to see a gastroenterologist, a neurologist, and a cardiologist. Even with the co-pays, the cost became inhibitive.

That's when things changed. My fiancé makes a really good living. So, she approached us for money. This was probably the wrong thing to do, but I confronted her on her lifestyle and the decisions she's made up to this point. I basically told her she needed to change her habits because I don't want to pay for a bandaid on her problems. I'd rather invest in long term health. I admit I was sooo angry. She would have nothing to do with my efforts to get her help, but then suddenly wanted thousands of dollars.

Later, I apologized while still maintaining that we weren't going to "loan" her money. She doesn't remember, but we loaned her money before (3 years ago) and she never paid it back. I also gave her a car. It's a horrible feeling telling her "no"; but throwing money at her bills will be fruitless if she doesn't really commit to getting better.

Anyway, she lost it. For 2 weeks she'd send me text messages and emails criticizing me. She would say, "Money has changed you, D." She messaged me about how she was selling her animals to pay for bills, telling me "you should be f-in happy now." She kept harping on the income my fiancé made and criticized how I wouldn't be where I am if it weren't for him. She'd criticize me for having a better support system than she had. Worst of all, she'd tell me how I was breaking her and she blamed me for her suicidal tendencies.

That last part was the last straw. She lost her sister to suicide in August of '14, and I lost my father to suicide to in August of '13. It was bad enough she thought I was money oriented. It was bad enough that she dismissed the journey I've been on towards recovering from PTSD. It was bad enough that she dismissed the effort I put into the supportive relationships I now have - support I tried to give her, only to be rejected. But throwing suicide in my face was enough. Up to that point, I hadn't argued. I hadn't returned her cruelty. Contrarily, I had sent her two very genuine emails apologizing for butting into her decisions only to have her send more insulting emails. I was tired. I'm not out of the woods with my own emotional issues, and it was disappointing to see her be so inconsiderate and try and drag me down to her level. I've worked hard for the s...

[ Continued ]

The following is a letter I wrote in response to a combative facebook message from my n-sibling sent in early May 2015. I've written it 10x over and over again. I had every intention on sending it, but as I get closer to the end of June, I've decided not to. This is mainly because the act of writing it has been enough to solidify my determination on setting boundaries with n-family. Writing it has been very cathartic, and a source of strength. Plus, I know that even if I sent it, they wouldn't appreciate the perspective I convey. Maybe one day it will be necessary to send this letter, but until then I enjoy writing it. Sometimes I rewrite it to be very angry and 5 pages long. Sometimes it's very matter of fact and less than a page long. It goes back and forth. I thought I would share one of the drafts for anyone interested.

"Dear Family,
My sibling has brought it to my attention that feelings are hurt because I don’t keep in touch. So, to acknowledge the situation is to say the following:

First of all, it’s not ok to message me on Facebook to criticize and curse at me. It’s this exact kind of negativity that I’m keeping a distance from. I will block any further hostilities. Though I am very relieved to know that no one was seriously injured by the flashflood at the rodeo, I am also tired of only hearing from yawls end when there is bad news.

Secondly, I am not participating anymore. I will not arrange holiday get-togethers since I don’t hear from anybody unless I initiate. I will not facilitate visits between family members because we are all adults capable of making our own plans. I will not perform any favors. I have stopped, and will not resume, making the unreciprocated effort to visit or call. I am not going to exhaust my energy chasing after y’all to do the things families are supposed to do.

Thirdly, the disrespect I received for my genuine efforts this past November was the last straw for me. I feel invisible until I have something y’all want, or until I become an obstacle. Then I’m either taken advantage of without gratitude, or I’m attacked. I’m tired of the complete disregard my own family shows towards my wellbeing, my perspective, and my intentions. I’m damned if I get involved, and damned if I don’t. Every time I’m met with yawls hostilities, I am shattered. Then I am abandoned to pick up the pieces alone while y’all divert responsibility by acting like victims. I’ve had enough.
Lastly, I will only accept responsibility for myself. In spite of yawls attacks, I have persevered in putting my life together. I’ve worked too hard for too long to let anybody drag me down. I will be neither a doormat nor a caretaker. I will not negotiate this situation or ask permission. I will not justify myself beyond these words or answer any questions. I will not tolerate confrontation or further harassment.

This situation is unfortunate because I love all of you and I wish there was trust to involve you; but I don’t have the emotional currency to deal with the disrespect and hostility. I need time, I need space, and I need to be left alone.
Sincerely,

Daniella"

I've been low-contact with my N-mom since Thanksgiving 2014. It's been a struggle learning to let go of holiday expectations. My first step was letting go of Christmas. I didn't reach out to them (her and my stepfather), or go out of my way to plan the get together. Traditionally, I would not hear from them at all unless I initiated conversation and spear-headed the arrangements. This past Christmas, I just stayed silent. As I predicted, I did not hear from anybody. Christmas day was full of anxiety as we drove past the part of town they lived in on our way to my mother-in-law's house in another city. However, the anxiety was several times lower than normal. I think the worst part was the anticipation. Once the deed was done, I could calm down.

As the months pass by, I get more and more comfortable with my decisions. A big milestone was reached during this past mother's day. It was a struggle trying to figure out how I wanted to respond to that occasion. I was able to find some resolve in a bunch of articles I found online from other daughters of N-mothers. I found comfort in knowing I was not alone. I also appreciated their collective advice that there is no right or wrong in how to handle mothers day. Only the individual could determine what he/she was comfortable doing. For some, perhaps it meant seeing the n-mom in person, but limiting the activity's location or duration. For another it might mean avoiding a physical get together, and instead opting to call. For yet another, it might mean only sending a text or an email. For me, it meant sending a card and a gift certificate.

Deciding on a ritual by which to deal with these situations was a huge relief for me. To know very matter-of-factly that I will send a card and a gift dissipates the majority of my anxiety. So, on mother's day, I send a bouquet of flowers because I didn't have time to send a card by the time I reached my verdict. Sending a card and a gift is my way of acknowledging the few times when my mother (or father/ or brother) was good to me. Another big motivation is that I don't believe in an afterlife, so I want to give what positivity I can in this finite existence without jeopardizing my own wellbeing. I can't change my parents, but I can change how I respond to them, and how much influence I give them in my life.

As a result, I have had very little anxiety this weekend. Today (6/21/15) is Father's Day and my mother's birthday. I didn't get a card or gift certificate together in time. I'll have to send it tomorrow. So, I put a Facebook message on their timeline saying, "Happy Father's Day and Happy Birthday." This time, I don't feel guilt at being late with my card, or about not calling or going out of my way to celebrate. I've also become more comfortable in knowing that I don't have to justify myself. Any justification would not be appreciated by my n-mom.

Each month I become more and more comfortable with my decision. Not only have I freed myself from the role that was expected of me - that drained me and caused me to go crazy; but I've been able to identify manipulative patterns in some other, very old, relationships. Consequently, I've been able to set boundaries, or completely let go of, those relationships. In doing all of this, I'm also able to come to terms with my father's suicide. He was also a narcissist. I've been able to start letting go of any responsibility I felt for my parents being the way they are. I've been able to start enjoying my own life, and defining my own terms.

Freedom is scary, but sweet. I would encourage anybody to figure out a ritual that helps them get through these occasions; and to take comfort in knowing they're not alone. Learning to differentiate is terrifying at first, but it gets easier.

As I work to accept the fact that my mother's a narcissist, my thoughts are in constant conflict. My old reflexes try to find a way to deny what I've come to know while I actively think of examples to combat every doubtful thought. Now that things are all too clear, I'm angry at all the time I wasted, and all the pain I suffered trying to make her happy; trying to make her see me wondering why everything I did for her lead nowhere. Yet, I am grateful that I've figured it all out in my 27th year. I cringe at the thought of living any longer in ignorance of my mother's actions.

I find that my year of loss has been a terrible gift. Losing my father to suicide brought my mother to the for front of my mind. I spent so many years having very little contact with him - which I realize now was a good thing - but it was also by my mother's design since the divorce (which infuriates me). I feel like so much of my life has been a lie as I realize who the bad guys are, and how much damage was done. As I grieved, I noticed how she didn't call to check on me. She made insensitive remarks regarding whether he left certain things behind for me. Despite this being my "year of firsts", she would remind me of anniversaries that any normal compassionate person might skirt around for the sake of the mourner.

Then, as the holidays take place, I see all too clearly just how crappy a deal my fiancé and I get each year. Though my fiancé and I go out of our way to organize some type of Thanksgiving and Christmas get together, it doesn't stop them (her and my stepfather) from being completely self-centered.

The last straw was my sister-in-law's visit to Texas to introduce her new baby - the first grandchild. Though my sister preferred to schedule a separate time to make the trip to my mother for the introduction, my mother invited herself to my sister's family's house 4 hours away without asking. Her visit included snatching the baby from his mother, wanting to take the 2month old to her hotel room overnight, and disregarding courtesy and basic boundaries. So, when my sister accidentally spilled the beans that my sister would be spending the night before our 12 hour road trip at my house, my mother invited herself again. My sister was not amused and was debating not coming over at all. So, I uninvited her in as courteous a way as possible.

The backlash I got from her was the last straw. It became all to clear that her psychotic behavior would only get worse with the emergence of a new generation because she obviously felt completely entitled to the baby. It was also completely rude to go after me the way she did when I have a right to close my house off to visitors without having to justify myself. Also, knowing how she's reacted to the 1st grandchild only makes me want to completely cut her off from any children I eventually have.

I've realized I don't deserve the maltreatment. I am a soft, gentle, and compassionate person. I've gone out of my way to support my mother in anyway I could, but enough is enough. As I decide what my future will look like, I realize that I will now be going through a "year of firsts" just as I did after my father's suicide. Of course, my heart is broken for the upcoming holiday, but it's also relieved knowing I don't have to let toxicity in my life. This is especially true since I have an urban family, and my fiancé's family to lean on and show me what real unconditional love looks like.