1. Constant Self, F, 22yrs
2. Emil, M, 13-17yrs
3. Logic Self
4. Alexander, M, 24yrs,
5. Myself aka Perfect/Healthy Self
6. Me, F, 5-10yrs
7. Sad child, F, 5-10yrs
8. Sad Explainer, 10-12yrs
9. Silence
10. Jake/Dude, M, 19-21yrs
11. Impulsive Part, F
12. Violent Anxiety Voice
13. HIM/DEMON/anti-social part

For those who are confused, scared, and unsure...
as I was, as I sometimes still am....

I always have felt so confused.

Wondering why I am so different at times. Why I can't seem to [i]understand[/i] or [i]relate to[/i] concepts, feelings, and memories people would later bring up to me--claiming that they were things I had said or felt or done before.

[b]I. Just. Didn't. Get. it.[/b]

And I tried so hard to [i]own[/i] those previous feelings, and thoughts--but it was like trying to claim someone else's idea--I could only partially understand it, if even that. I could never really feel like [i]you are right! That makes sense for me. [/i]

Yes, I do have [b]Borderline Personality Disorder[/b], but there was always more to that...It wasn't just [i]mood swings[/i] or [i]episodes[/i]--though others liked to say [i]oh she's doing it again--
you've gone into that [b]mode[/b] again[/i]

But they just didn't understand, it was, it is more complex than that--and maybe not just for me, maybe for other Borderlines, and then again maybe not.

[b]I AM FRAGMENTED[/b].

I really do not see or understand myself as
[i]one [b]fluid[/b] person[/i]

And yet, I couldn't even admit it to myself or rather I had trouble saying it--out loud or inside
Letting myself say [i]this isn't me[/i] or refer to a part of me in third person. So of course I had extreme difficulty explaining and admitting what was truly happening inside--What I truly thought.

Instead I would often try to apply the logic of what I thought I was [i]supposed to[/i] think
Logic that just didn't match what I was actually feeling and thinking

But now I see, and now I know

[b]IT. IS. OKAY.[/b]

It is perfectly fine to say how you feel, what you feel. NOW--it is true there will be others who will disagree and challenge that, but I also know there will be people who will listen, accept, and validate that it is REAL and it is OKAY.

My biggest challenge is not letting them [i]change[/i] what I think or feel. What I feel is what I feel. Yes it is okay to grow and change, but that should be something one decides on their own--not because they are SUPPOSED TO feel that way or any other reason.

After these two suicide attempts I have realized this, and grown again a little more comfortable with my fragmentation. Family members, friends, my now ex-boyfriend, and staff have let me down--but a very insightful hospitalist and social worker have given me some hope and a much needed push to take control, let go, and accept.

If others respond to you negatively then they DO NOT UNDERSTAND you. There is NOTHING wrong with you, but instead it is something lacking in the other person. They do not have the time, energy, intelligence, or are otherwise lacking the things needed to understand you. And if this is the case then do not make excuses for them or blame yourself, instead move on and keep trying to find someone who will listen and be there for you.

reading again "I hate you--Don't leave me" I have become aware again of my BPD and what that entails. But especially my extreme need to find COMFORT in OTHERS. And I realize...sometimes I can't have that. Sometimes I will be all alone. Sometime I will have to comfort myself.

For me though, I comforted myself with another part of myself. I want to accept them, and love them all. They are like me...alone, hurting, and afraid...And so I want to teach them, love them, help them grow, and even rely on them.

I think, I hope this will be something that helps me FINALLY in my growth and healing...

I hope my experience can help others as well. Even if it does not, I just wanted to share this.

Thanks for reading.

EMOTIONAL PARTS:

Emil: Age-13-17. Male? Skinny (possibly anorexic tendencies). Brown hair, emo style-short. Wears a lot of black clothes, punk/emo, black eyeliner, eyeshadow. Hates glasses. This person seems to have a lot of symptoms of BPD and often times this person is very defensive, angry, annoyed, indirect (has trouble communicating feelings and thoughts). This person doesn't care much about others feelings. He usually hates everything and everyone, sometimes even me. While in this state of mind or part, my therapist said my eyes looked hardened and my facial expression sharper. He says things like: "I don't care what I said before, because that's not what I think. This is the real me. Why do you hate me when I finally decide to exist?!" "Everything else is fake! I'm the real one!" His thoughts are usually like this: "They don't understand. No one understands. This is stupid. Why do I even try? I hate everyone." Or just random cursing and annoyance. Recently has become more of a protector (reluctantly). He also seem to be fragmented within himself as well. ( A voice that is more feminine and self loathing, a voice that is more angry and violent, and a voice that is more considerate)

"The Sad Explainer": Age-10-12. Hair in face, minimal or no eye contact, hunched over a little. Sad, sensitive, and compassionate. Often thinking the same thoughts as the rebellious teen, but it is no longer with that annoyed attitude, it is now with a disheartened and given up kind of attitude. The sadness ranges from extreme despair where silence completely takes over and suicidal urges are strong all the way to just being kind of sad, but still being able to communicate it. (connected to sad child=fearful and discouraged, and Silence=Can not speak out loud)


NORMAL PARTS:

Alexander: caretaker, prince, older brother. Comforts encourages and helps take care of me. Used to come out more but recently has been staying inside. (possibly because his behavior--being nice to everyone even abusers made me feel upset, or possibly not triggered to come out--came out more with church???) Wears "proper" and modest light colored clothes. Neatly styled blond hair, blue eyes. Likes Christian, folk/indie, and soft rock.


Nothing:

Aka Logic/Robot/Alien. This part I call "Nothing". This part is all about logic and matter of fact. This part says things as they are. Emotions don't matter. What are the facts. Feel numb. No emotions, and no pain. Not interested in socializing, sexual activities, or physical affection. Rather not talk if not necessary and rather would like to be alone if possible. This part is very analytic. Does what is necessary. If affection is needed finds a way to gain this. etc. Wears glasses, pulled back or slicked back hair.

Jake (Full name Jacob): Age-20's? Male. Straight. Brown hair, muscular, masculine, Handsome. He says dude and man alot. Is chill and friendly (usually) Likes to play video games & sports (football, soccer, basketball, UFC, etc) Wears snap backs. Likes hip hop, rap, some electro/dubstep and stuff like that. Flirts/smooth talks with girls?

Me: Age-5 to 9 years old. Female. Babyish, childish voice. Feels small (not in a bad way). Likes to play. Likes to wear colorful clothes and cute pjs. Teddy bear and stuffed animals. Smiles. Playful, cheerful, optimistic, hopeful. Likes Disney/animated movies. Likes to sing Disney songs. Likes cartoons and candy. Likes to draw and color with crayons. Wants hugs.


OTHER:

"HIM": A psychopath that wants to kill self or others. Wants to hurt and destroy. Suffering of self or others amuses him. Likes to convince self that "you are insane, possessed, Schizo" etc. "no one will believe you" Makes the face grin a psychotic/dark smirk/smile. Usually influences from with in doesn't "come out".

Demon: ???

Fogged/Awkward/Lost: dont feel like I really know people how to connect interact...

[ Continued ]

My therapist recently diagnosed me with Dissociative Disorder NOS. There are several symptoms I suffer from, but the one that bothers me is a feeling of separateness. I'm not sure when I first noticed this separateness...but how I describe it is as NOT being able to relate to myself. It feels like there are several parts of me, or different states of mind. There is the emotional parts, the normal parts, and then the detached part. Currently I am NOT diagnosed with DID.

***During the times I feel dissociated, I no longer relate to "those other parts." Suddenly my thoughts, goals, opinions and access to memories change. While in emotional states I can access memories and feeling more***

EMOTIONAL PARTS:

EMIL: This person seems to have a lot of symptoms of BPD and often times this person is very defensive, angry, annoyed, indirect (has trouble communicating feelings and thoughts). This person doesn't care much about others feelings. He usually hates everything and everyone, sometimes even me. While in this state of mind or part, my therapist said my eyes looked hardened and my facial expression sharper. He says things like: "I don't care what I said before, because that's not what I think. This is the real me. Why do you hate me when I finally decide to exist?!" "Everything else is fake! I'm the real one!" His thoughts are usually like this: "They don't understand. No one understands. This is stupid. Why do I even try? I hate everyone." Or just random cursing and annoyance. Recently has become more of a protector (reluctantly).

"The Sad Explainer": This part of me is very sad. Often thinking the same thoughts as the rebellious teen, but it is no longer with that annoyed attitude, it is now with a disheartened and given up kind of attitude. The sadness ranges from extreme despair where silence completely takes over and suicidal urges are strong all the way to just being kind of sad, but still being able to communicate it.


NORMAL PARTS:

Alexander: caretaker, prince, older brother. Comforts encourages and helps take care of me. Used to come out more but recently has been staying inside. (possibly because his behavior--being nice to everyone even abusers made me feel upset, or possibly not triggered to come out--came out more with church???)


LOGIC/ROBOT/ALIEN:

This part I call "Nothing". This part is all about logic and matter of fact. This part says things as they are. Emotions don't matter. What are the facts. Feel numb. No emotions, and no pain. Not interested in socializing, sexual activities, or physical affection. Rather not talk if not necessary and rather would like to be alone if possible. This part is very analytic. Does what is necessary. If affection is needed finds a way to gain this. etc.