Dear A,

You know who you are, and if you are reading this, let it be known that this is my response to your "wanting to help".

I don't want anything to do with you. I don't want to talk to you about anything. For one, you don't need to know anything and you probably wouldn't believe what I had to say anyway. You probably won't listen either! There is no point in me wasting my time with you when you don't listen or don't believe me. I don't like it when I'm not taken seriously. It upsets me very much, don't take it personally, I get upset when everyone does that! But you cannot seriously expect to outright call me a liar and then expect me to accept your so-called "help" with teary eyes and a happy heart. No.

Why do I cut? I cut because I'm hurting right now, I'm hurting and I have no one to share my hurt with, and I don't care anymore if you think you want to share my hurt, because I know you don't. You're just like everyone else, saying things that you think sound like the right thing to say at the right time. I know that you think I'm lying about everything, especially the rape. I know that you don't take me seriously and you never did! I know that you would rather have me out of your life. I know all of this! So no. No, I don't want your "help" and I'm not going to tell you anything, or give you any details of anyone or anything. I very strongly dislike you, and I wish you would leave me alone.

Yes, I've been throwing away your letters, yes I've been being mean to you. Suck it up. I do t want anything to do with you and I won't tell you anything. Bye.
-Lillian

Dear Anyone,

I'm writing to you, Anyone, because I don't have anyone to really turn to right now. I'm worried about the people I used to trust, and I still feel odd about them.

I'm so tired. I know, I sound like a whiner, but I'm tired of it. I really am. I don't know what to do anymore, and even though I'm being helped out of a bad relationship, I still feel like I'm stuck. I'm just a sitting duck, and I feel like he'll come back. I felt that way when he went to jail and he came back into my life, and I'm too scared to feel like I'm free now because there is always the chance he will come back. There is always the chance that he will come and find me... I feel so stuck! Everything is supposed to be getting better for me... everything was supposed to improve! Why does it feel like it's getting worse?!

I don't understand what is happening. Anyone, have you ever felt like this...? When things finally start going as you planned, and they start getting better, but then you feel even worse than you had felt when you were in the bad situation to begin with!? I don't think I'll ever get well. I feel like I'm being overly paranoid. I'm too scared to leave my house, and I want to be in the hospital again. I want to feel safe, and I want to feel like I'm being protected. I don't like that anywhere but in the hospital. I've never felt so safe before. But... I need help. I need someone to be there to protect me all the time, everyday. I don't understand what it is. I'm a horrible mother. I can't even protect my own child. I'm too busy jumping at shadows and being hypersensitive. My head hurts all of the time, and I can't sleep at night. I don't eat, I don't feel a need to, and I don't do anything but sit at home and worry... It's like... I'm just worrying my life away. I've got no friends. I don't have people that I can come to on a regular basis and talk things out with. I hate, HATE HATE therapy. It hasn't done me any good, and I hate my therapist. I don't know why I hate him, I just do. I used to love him, he was a fantastic therapist who helped me out a lot in the past... but I feel like he let me down.

I was supposed to be better after leaving sessions... This was supposed to be my last time. After my first sessions had ended, I was supposed to be better. I was supposed to be stronger. But I'm not. He lied to me. I was supposed to be better. I was supposed to be able to handle stuff like this. Why is everything going downhill from here? When things are FINALLY improving... I feel like it's all coming apart. I want to die. I want everything to be over, and if I don't die, I want to try to die... just so I can go back to the hospital to feel safe. I just want to feel safe... to feel protected and to feel cared about. I don't know. I'm so weak...

Thank you for reading my wallowing,
Lillian.

S,

Firstly, I'm really sick of helping you, every minute I can, and putting my trust in you all the time, and thinking that you care, and now... being shown that you don't.
I was in the hospital all day yesterday. My first day being seventeen years old, and I spent it in the hospital, being hooked up to an IV, with tubes everywhere because I had overdosed on Acetaminophen in an attempt to kill myself. And the only thing you can do is complain about your Aunt? I understand, that she's rough, I understand that she's emotionally hurting you. But that doesn't mean that you should ignore the people you so-called, "care about" and put your own self before them at all. I mean, like I said, don't get me wrong, I know you're in a bad situation, I know that you're having a hard time. I'm just very disappointed that I trusted you, and you only wrote me because you were curious. Not because you actually cared.

It's selfish, if you ask me. I'm sorry to be so harsh, and attacking you, but seriously, I feel so betrayed and hurt. My daughter's father r*ped me on my birthday, and I tried to pretend everything was okay, because I knew it was my fault this time. This time, it was DEFINITELY my fault. I WANTED it. At first, I wanted to make love to him, I really did... but midway through, I started changing my mind, and things just went bad. Suicide was the perfect answer. And I'm very, very disappointed that you haven't even blinked an eye about it. You really don't care if I managed to kill myself, do you? You wouldn't care if I died? You're just so wrapped around your own self that you can't see when a friend... er, ex-friend now, is reaching out to you, and really trying to get help from you, as well as help you. I feel like I've been taken advantage of, that when you need help, when you need an ego stroke, I gave it to you, no matter how much it triggered me, or how much I didn't want to help, I helped anyway.

I don't know what else to say. My head hurts, and I don't regret the suicide attempt at all. I just regret that I failed. I regret that I punked out, and I regret that I ever even got so attached to you that I thought you cared about me.

1,

I cried today, I was so happy. These have been the happiest tears that I've cried in a long time. To think, of all people, you were actually there to let me vent, shout and holler when I needed it the very most. I mean, we've kept our distance for a long while. But, I'm so glad that our recent reunion was a good one, and I'm glad to know that you do care, and that you're there to support me through this.

I wrote a letter to you a year ago, when we started to split up. About how angry and hurt I was over our break up. I didn't expect, a year later, you'd be sitting with me, letting me cry on your shoulder and offering me an ear to listen. It literally brings tears to my eyes to know that you care about me so much, especially during this time when I felt so alone, and I felt that no one truly cared. I've been clinging to selfish, dead-beat "friends" for a long time, hoping that one of them would be like you. And none of them really have. 1, it's great to have you back in my life! Especially in such a appropriate timing.

You literally saved me from exploding, thank you for letting me vent to you the things that I'd been holding in for so long. And thank you for not being afraid of me... for not avoiding me when I needed you, and for including me. Thank you for listening, and thank you for being discrete. I hope your mother's surgery goes just fine, and I pray that she will have 100% recovery after the procedure! And I pray that your family stays safe too, and that everyone will support your mother during her time before the surgery.

And thank you... despite having your mother in the hospital right now, and despite having all of the other things going on in your life, you still took the time to listen to me, and you still cared. Just like old times, 1. Just like old times. It was a great reunion. I missed you a lot, and I'm very, very pleased at how much we've grown. I hope this friendship lasts forever, and I will do my best to be a good friend on my end too.

Thanks again for making me feel so much better when I needed it the most.

Dear Friends,

Do I know you? I'm so terribly confused at everything that I'm doing right now, everything, I swear. I feel as though legal documents are pouring from my ears, and I can't think so straight...

Firstly, my daughter's father is telling me that none of you really care about me... I mean, that's really out there, isn't it? That sounds crazy, doesn't it? I thought so too, guys... I thought he was pulling me leg, or just being funny. But nope. You guys proved me wrong, and you proved him right. I mean, I don't know what I have to do to make you care... I don't know what it means to "care" about someone.

Does caring about someone mean that you tell them you love them? Does it mean that you write them to make sure they are okay when they seem... different? Does it mean that you offer a compliment every now and then? What does it really mean to love someone? Does it mean that you support them through everything? Does it mean that you're always there for them? That even if they do something stupid, or even if their situation triggers you, that you try your hardest to help them through it? Is that was friendship is? Is that what love is?

I mean, I see you guys on other places, I see how your friends write you, and they leave messages like, "Hey, didn't want anything, just letting you know I care about you!" or, "Hey, I heard you were having a hard time, hope everything's okay!" I haven't received that kind of care from... hell, from any of you. Even when I gave you my all... Even when you triggered the ###$ out of me, and when your situation made me so scared. I still wrote you, just to make sure you were okay. Is... is that not the same thing? Do I not deserve the same kind of treatment? Am I going above and beyond, or something?

Why does it seem, that my rapist... My daughter's father, fits all of my criteria for "caring"... and you guys don't? Is it true, then? That... maybe you really don't care? Or, is he lying to me. I know, you will try to convince me that he is in the wrong... but... I've known him for so long. I don't know what to think. I've known him better than any other friends that I've known. How do I know, if you are right, or if he is?

My 'friends', I'm afraid I will begin to avoid you again. I'm having a rough time, deciding on fighting the legal systems, or staying with my abuser. I don't expect you guys to really care, I guess... I don't expect you guys to check up on me, or to leave me a message now and then, hell, I don't expect you to even bat an eye at this, if you ever come across it...

It's just nice to know, that at least, if I'm not cared about, that at least, I'm fully aware of it now, and that I can grow to live with it, eventually.

I guess... I guess that's just it, then.
- Lillian.