Missed a day. Just was not in the mood. I have been having some problems with triggers recently and yesterday the ppl from the mission got in touch too with some photos of us when we were there and the house I used to live in. I emailed back asking some general questions about things but did ask about my abusers without explaining why. I know it is not necessarily a good idea but i need to know.

Soooooo am also still in avoidant mood, phoned my CPN yesterday and told them I could not come today, and said I was fine. I dont want to see them atm. It is just pointless. Cracked stop being such a sulky teenager!

Have been thinking about holidays and getting away. Have not had a holiday for years. Hopefully going to see my sister next year in Cairo as long as it is safe. Also thinking about past holidays and nice places to be.

Which led me to thinking about those moments you have that you know you are never going to forget, the nice ones I mean. Like looking at the stars in South Africa whilst singing and sitting round a campfire, or watching a meteorite shower in the Rocky Mountains. Or hanging out with hippies at a wonderful backpackers, or night drives in the mountains in Australia. Plus many more. It is good to remember nice things as well as the horrible ones.

I hope you all have a good day and thanks for reading.

Cracked

Because you had a bad day, you're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know, you tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day, the camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day, you had a bad day

Soooooooooo not the best of days. No sleep, flashbacks and triggers and a mess up with lunch with my grandparents. Think the best thing is to go to sleep.

But how I have dealt with it is such a change from say a year ago. I would have self harmed and been destructive and hated myself. Instead, I spoke to my therapist, did some chores and tried to look after myself. Things can change, even with how I manage my bipolar. It is possible to take control of your life and get better.

Having said that right now most of me feels like a scared little girl. I need to be kind to her.

Sorry this is short but need to go to bed, the day thou gavest Lord is ended...

Cracked

For some reason this really annoyed me. I was listening to the radio this morning when they were doing a run through of the papers and apparently there is a picture of Fergie climbing up a mountain blindfolded with a sack of rocks trying to deal with all her baggage. And it just made me think of all of us here quietly getting on with it, dealing with all OUR issues without having a camera crew or paparazzi or whoever following us around like we are the only person in the world who has problems. Rant over.

Who does have problems? What is the scale? I always say in the sexual abuse forum that abuse is abuse and there is no competition as to who had it worse. I have had a pretty crappy life at times but it is certainly better than many ppls'. Living and visiting Africa and seeing the news only has to tell you that. And me being me wants to solve the world's problems but realise I can't, I can only do my little bit. But maybe if we all do our little bit things could be better. OK introspection and sermon over.

So what does Cracked's day hold for her? Well I am meeting my auntie and helping her prepare lunch for all of us (uncle, auntie, granny and me). Then saying goodbye to them as they head off on wed. I will need to keep an eye on granny as I suspect she will be upset.

Then therapy...

So busy day for Cracked. Hope you all have good days too

Cracked

I slept!!! Feel so much better

Had weird ass dreams involving my ex. I know, it is very boring to hear about other ppl's dreams. So I wont go on about it. Sufficient to say I do hate my ex (oooh just realised why I dreamt about him - convo with neighbour yesterday). He was a manipulative, drug taking, girlfriend beating (expletive) and I can't believe I stayed with him for 3 years. Well I can as i had no self esteem and abandonment issues, plus he was my first love. Or obsession? Anyhow he was horrid. And he cheated on me too.

One of the worst things with my ex was many years later when I was attending an induction at a new hospital (yawn), who should walk in? And he was working in the same department as me so I had to work with him for a year, where everyone thought he was great and I knew different. Was a challenge. Everynow and then he still texts me and one of these days I am going to find the courage to say what I want to him. Anyhow, provides good song writing fodder!

Thank you for letting me get that off my chest

Cracked

Feel like a slightly hypomanic zombie if that makes any sense.

Coffee and shopping time was fun with my auntie. Think I am a bit high as was grabbing everything but realised this and in the end just got one nice top that will go lovely with my jeans. We had a lovely chat as well. Only thing that annoyed me was I went to the chemist and the girl serving me did not even look at my face, she was too busy staring at the scars on my arms, made me feel self concious. My auntie said not to worry about it.

Got back to meet my neighbour who was on her way out and started telling me about how she has broken 2 rampant rabbits since she separated from her husband about 4 months ago. There is such a thing as TMI. I barely know the woman. I feel for her tho, she has been with him for 25 years.

Well that is me for now, hopefully next time I post will not be in the middle of the night but at some decent hour tom.

Byes

Cracked