Yet again sleep eludes me so I thought I would see where words take me. Of course it would actually help if I turned off the telly and computer, went upstairs and got into bed. I just have this thing about going to bed. Esp at night. When I am working I far prefer working nights and sleeping in the day. Nights are more fun anyway. I think I am being a little bit naughty as well as I know that lack of sleep makes me feel a little hypo.

So tom I am hopefully meeting up with my Canadian auntie who is over with my uncle. She is fab and is the person I am probably closest to in my family. She was the first person in my family i told about the abuse and she is amazingly supportive without being judgemental. I feel I can tell her anything. We plan to go for coffee then trawl the charity shops. My local high street has some really good ones. I buy nearly all my clothes from charity shops. Tho I was looking at a dress I bought recently and thought wtf, why on earth did I buy this? It is so not right for me. I think i would look like the michelin man in it, it is not flattering. Moral of the story, no clothes shopping after 2 pints of Old Rosie.

The other good thing about charity shops (apart from helping a good cause) is that they are great for bipolars. When you are on a high and fancy a spending spree you do far less damage to your finances whilst still getting some great stuff. OK I will stop going on about charity shops now.

Well I think I am going to try to get some sleep now. Good morning/afternoon/evening/night to you all.

Cracked

Well not literally, but figuratively, was what we all were doing yesterday in the recording session. That woke you up didnt it. What I mean was everyone was making each other feel good. That is what I love about this particular music thing, it is such a supportive place where you can explore your creativity and let everything out. And to my surprise I am actually quite good at it!

I did music at school and uni but it was always very rigid and I rarely connected the idea of music being fun with music itself - except the band I was in, which was a pot hazed blast. I first wrote a song when I was in hospital for the first time. The OT and music worker handed me a guitar in my room and I poured out these words and melody. I still perform it now. It means a lot to me.

Spoke to my therapist. She was understanding but said I need to think through what I want as the end point of all this. If I ask about my abusers and report them then there would be police involvement and so on. They might be upstanding pillars of the community. But then I also feel they should not be allowed to do what they are doing to anyone else. She does not feel I am ready to delve to deep into this and does not think I should tell them about the abuse. But there is such a temptation to as I need to know about them. They have not contacted me yet so I have some more thinking time. Plus talking time with my therapist.

Sooooo music was a welcome diversion from all of this thinking.

That is it for now, I hope you are all doing OK.

Cracked

Is what I hope NOT to do when I go for my recording session later...

Am looking forward to it, hanging out with fellow musicians and making some tunes. Tho no pot and beer, we are in a studio - not that that seems to stop many

Warning boring bit of minutiae about my life coming up. Woke early with my crown on my tooth hurting like hell. I think I have been grinding my teeth, which, given yesterday's events is prob not surprising I guess. Painkillers thus far are not working. Hmmm.

Speaking to my therapist today. Am looking forward to it but also worried she will be pissed that I did this without talking to her, or more likely "why did you feel you had to do that without us discussing it?". Stop it Cracked, I am being mean and she is fab and I am sure she will be supportive.

Since I woke early I have been watching reruns of ANTM, one of my guilty pleasures - well you have to have some. A worse one I have is smoking, I must quit... I am not sure now is the right time, tho when is. The crazy thing is I can go fine for days without then I am back to 20 a day. Stupid Cracked.

Sooooooooooo I hope you all have good days/nights/whatever the hell time zone you are in atm.

Cracked

I mentioned that I had contacted the mission society my parents were with. A really nice lady got back to me and said she had managed to contact some ppl who were there when we were and also a couple who are there now. She said they were both happy to get in contact with me. This is HUGE. So many thoughts are rushing through my head like I will find out more about my childhood, I will find out more about the place, can I visit, CAN I ASK ABOUT MY ABUSERS? Speaking to therapist tom, which I think is a good idea. For now I just need to digest this. Wow. I cannot explain how much this means. When you have grown up somewhere you can't just go back and visit, then suddenly get that place made accesible to you again it is the biggest feeling.

Cracked

You know your life has become (insert your own word of choice here) when you start comparing loo roll. I have the lovely aloe vera stuff at home but at choir today had to make do with NHS cheapo. My body was not best pleased.

Choir was good, we worked hard but had a lot of fun as per usual. Music helps MH so much. I love my gospel choir, we recently recorded a CD. I also write, record and perform my own music. Got a recording coming up on Thursday, which will be fun. I find writing stuff is a really good way to get all the crap out. I leant the choir master my CD and he liked it, which means a lot. Tho his favourite song was about suicide - "I liked the melody"...

Having another one of those cant sleep nights, wonder if I am going a little hypomanic, will have to check my list of early warning signs and cut out the caffeine. All you BPs out there I strongly suggest you make a list of early warning signs if you haven't done already. It is wonderful to feel more in control of my "bipolar and baggage" with the help of meds and therapy.

So what am I doing to try to make myself sleepy? Hot milky drink? No. Actually getting into bed? No. Relaxing music and lavendar? No. Breathing exercises? No. Tidy bedroom? No! I am watching The Birdcage. So my sleep hygiene is better in theory than in practice. Oh well...

Well I hope you are either all tucked up in bed asleep or having a good day

Cracked