I want to self harm. I wont go into what I want to do to myself because it would be inappropriate and triggering but I want to hurt myself.

I have not hurt myself since February apart from ED stuff. I dont want to hurt little cracked. I have also filled in a behaviour and consequences form and still want to self harm.

I had a very difficult convo with a friend that mentioned abuse and I think that tipped me over the edge in what is proving a very difficult time for me.

I am going to try not to but I am not sure I am going to succeed in that. But I will try as little cracked is important and I dont want to hurt her.

Hope all are well

Cracked

One of the reasons I think I am getting unwell atm is because I am what I call splurged. Different ppl know different bits of what is going on and I am telling them bits and bobs - looking for help. I think it is because my therapist has been away too so it is difficult to work through stuff without her. Plus I think biochemically my mood is dropping.

I am seeing my therapist on Thursday so I need to get my stuff together for that so I can work it all through with her and stop splurging. Does anyone else get this?

Had choir today which was nice and did not splurge there as there is someone there who really intimidates me and bullies me in a passive aggressive way and I have realised that the best way to deal with her is to pretend everything is fine even if it isnt.

Anyhow I just feel a bit like there are bits of me everywhere but none of it is together or ordered and I feel like I am a self centrered bitch too. Hmmm

I hope you are all OK.

Hugs

Cracked

I have been thinking about my hospital admission in Feb when I tried to commit suicide. It is on my mind atm. I (obviously) failed but I meant it. I was on one to one obs for over a week which was awful as I had to shower in front of ppl and use the toilet in front of ppl, I was so ashamed I did not open my bowels the whole time - not that I was eating much. It was for safety tho as everywhere I looked I saw opportunities for suicide, my mind had come to a standstill except ways to commit suicide. I was so upset I had failed. I moved hospital and had to deal with the evil consultant from hell who was horrible. But for some reason yesterday when I was having a really bad day I really wanted to be on 1 to 1 obs as I wanted someone to look out for me when I was feeling wobbly, and there was no one there and I wished there was. Just sad that I thought the place to get that looking after from was from hospital obs.

Hope you are all OK

Cracked

A little came out during sex - trying to get my head round that one.

The DWP sent me a form to fill in for sick benefits - it was horrible to see how ill I still am when it is written down like that. My friend who is a GP filled it in for me and made me be honest - I felt ashamed.

I saw my friend who I am not allowed to see today - she only just found out I was banned fromm seeing her. I am annoyed - she said the reason was her mother believes i am a drain on her and take with no giving back - which is bs.

Having very weird dreams atm when I am actually sleeping which is not that often.

So that is me.

Hope you are all well.

Hugs

Cracked

Well I had yet another hospital appt today - I know I am off work atm but I feel like I am spending as much time in the hospital as I would do if I was working. Today's joy was because I have an inherited cholesterol condition which they have been keeping an eye on. Good news is that it is stable off meds with lifestyle changes so I have been discharged - well I have to go back in 5 years but I count that as a discharge!

What else have I done today? Well I had a nice walk to and from the hospital and did my forum work like a busy beaver, and had a big smile on my face because of a secret that is going nowhere! Haha!

Managed to get hold of my sister to check she is OK as she is living in Cairo and there has been some disruption there. She and her boyfriend are both fine. It annoys me sometimes as she asks ppl to come out and visit them then when I offer she says no as she does not think I am strong enough to handle it - I am. I dont like it when ppl say I am not strong enough when I know I am. Even tho I know it is only because she cares.

Well that is it for now. I think an early night is in order for tom I need to clean the house pit...

Ooh still no cigarette.

Hope you are all OK.

Cracked