I am scared to post this but it is the first step.

I have issues with presciption drugs. They are not as bad as they used to be but I caught myself yesterday online looking for injectable drugs like I used to use. This is not good.

I cannot quit the drugs I am on atm as I just cant deal with it plus with the GMC I cant get help without being in a huge heap of trouble so it is a very complex situation.

I just thought if I said it then it is the first step.

Hope all are well

Hugs

Cracked

I saw psych yesterday, she has upped my meds again and am seeing CPN on Monday.

Might go to bed for a bit.

Have managed some tidying which is good - only a very small bit but better than nothing. Tho kitchen is still a state.

No energy to say anything else sorry.

Hugs to all and hope you are well

Cracked

I saw my CPN today
To see if I could feel
I focused on her drivel
The only thing that's real.

She is concerned about me and wants to see me again in a week. Am also seeing psych on Thursday. I told her firmly I am not interested in going down the route of home treatment or hospital. No way. She is going to try to help me wade through this, so I guess it is a bit mean to call what she says drivel - oh well.

On the plus side I did finally have a bath today - I struggle so much with activities of daily living. I am not going to say how long it has been since I last had one but a long time - longer than you are thinking. I guess I should have picked up on that. That plus the no washing up done for months and ditto with the laundry. Man I sound like a disgusting person.

Well hopefully all will be well soon as the magical little tablets make their way into my system and make it all better.

I wont moan more - tbh I cant remember most of the meeting today as my concentration is off so I couldn't if I wanted to. But anyhow I dont want to be a whingebag.

Hope you are all OK

Hugs to you all

Cracked

Those of you who see me particularly in the bipolar forum know I like to bang on about early warning signs as I think these can really help in knowing when things are going wrong with your mood. I have a whole list of them that I know about but seem to have totally missed them in the last few weeks.

I saw my psych today as I thought I was a bit low and she is concerned. She has increased my meds and wants to see me again in a week. This is unusual for her. She said if I had called a few weeks ago perhaps things would be better tho she did say I am getting the hang of early warning signs.

So I feel a bit cross with myself as I really dont want to deteriorate further and I wonder whether I missed something a while back - well clearly I did.

I also talked to her about my meltdown on Friday and she was surprised as from that pov I have been well for so long. i am not sure if that is partly why she is worried.

Anyhow, I have my lists of early warning signs, perhaps I need to start paying better attention.

Hope you all are well.

Hugs

Cracked

Thank you so much for all your support while I have been feeling wobbly and particularly Friay night. I appreciate it so much and you helped me not hurt myself - that means a huge amount as I have worked really hard to get where I am.

I have reasons not to do it and I preach about most of them on the SI forum, but a new one just hit me. I just received a phone call asking me to locum and I had to say no as I was off sick. I felt bad doing that as I wanted my old life back - well the work aspect of it anyhow.

If I am to get back to work I cannot go down the route of self harm. There are other reasons too, but this one is sticking with me atm so I am going to use atm mainly. Tho I wont forget the others too.

Thank you again for all your support.

I hope you are all well

Cracked