Hopefully a safe place to monitor my irrational feelings and thoughts. Not getting any health care so just trying to figure me out.

24.01.12 17.00
Didn't get much done today, again. At home of course. Just came home yesterday. When I collected my stuff from the house he was out so instantly my anxiety kicked in. Great weekend with him. Unfounded fears. I think. Today, again, can't stop thinking thinking about nothing that's going to help anyone, except did find a book on the net about BPD. From what I've been reading, I'm pretty certain that's my problem. Relieved to find out but will I be able to manage it??? Do I tell him any of this? Do I tell him any of what happened way back when? I think his main attraction to me is based on the fact that I'm so .......happy!!!!! I was, when I was single. I'm only with him four months. This kicked in a month ago. Why oh why do relationships f..k me up????? So independant and confident for the most part when I'm single. 9 years it's been. I thought I'd have gotten over all my issues. This anxiety is killing me. I'll be seeing him tomorrow. Funniest part is, when I'm with him, I know he isn't anything other than another person. He's not on any pedastal and I do know if we broke up tomorrow I would still have all my plans to look forward to and I would be just fine after a while. This anxiety and fear is totally unfounded, no sense to it. It makes me shake, can't eat, difficulty sleeping or doing anything during the day other than smoke and coffee. What a mess. Hoping I can somewhat manage this myself. Hope. Hope. Hope I will read back on this at some stage and be able to delight in not being able to fully connect with my mess.