One year ago today, I created my first post on this site and opened up about my story being molested by my dad for the first time. Looking back, I'm still kind of amazed I even typed all of that considering it was so overwhelming for me, I actually had to pause a few times while typing it up. The thought of even getting professional help for it terrified me. But I've written quite a lot about my experiences, right down to getting to the graphic details on things that happened. I also actually went to therapy for several months, which helped tremendously.

Suffice it to say, I've come a long way and owe a lot to this site for serving as a platform for me to vent about my experiences. Since then, I've also gone on to partly share my story on other sites while reaching out to other survivors of childhood molestation and incest. As I've said plenty of times before, I still have a long way to go, but I can positively say I've come a long way. Largely thanks to this place, of course. I wouldn't have been able to get through it all without it. Sure, I could have just as easily gone to any other site, but this is the one that's helped me and still helps me the most.

I was going to make this a multi-entry thing, documenting piece by piece how I was feeling throughout October last year, since that whole month was when my trauma started weighing down on me. But since I'm already at the end of the end of this month, I may as well put it all to one simplified entry.

After my dad died in late September last year, all the memories I had of him slowly start creeping back into my head. What I would maybe rarely give a passing thought to before forgetting about it again, I suddenly could no longer just suppress it. All the times my dad molested me, all the shame I felt during that time, all the self-loathing and feeling like I was dead inside... It all came right back to me.

I didn't know what to do, as I felt like I wasn't even close to being ready to address my trauma. Just the thought of seeking counseling terrified me. For weeks, I just did nothing. Guess I was foolishly hoping the memories would just go away on their own again like they did before. But they didn't. It just got worse and worse until I could bear it no longer and started looking for ways to vent my experiences, which eventually led me here.

It's hard to believe it's already going to be a whole year since I first opened up about my trauma. I've certainly come a long way. I feel like a different person than from I was a year ago. It's hard to believe I was so overwhelmed by my past and scared of confronting it, but now look how much I've opened about it. I guess now I know what the old saying "the truth shall set you free" really means. There's still a lot more to tell and now that I no longer have my distraction, I'll get around to telling it soon.

The rain finally came back yesterday. Boyfriendish went back home and we’ll be going our separate ways for a while, only meeting up again for special occasions. Now that I’m on my own, as I had feared, memories of my past have reared their ugly head in once again. It’s all too fitting for the rain to have come back now. Almost symbolic of the dark and sad days coming back to me figuratively as well. But I had a nice, prolonged break from it all. I can’t really complain. No one ever overcame trauma by distracting themselves from it. I’ll definitely be writing more now. We’ll just see what I write…

I live in the Pacific Northwest in the United States and we've been getting some unseasonably warm weather here. It's always cold and rainy during the fall and winter seasons. But summer has been sticking around a lot longer than usual this time. This is known locally as an Indian summer. The reason I'm talking about this is because the nicer weather has been a major contributing factor to boyfriendish and I spending so much time together. We live about twenty miles apart and driving to see each other in the pouring rain and freezing cold just wouldn't be ideal or safe. Though he does stay over at my place regularly (or me at his) and we've even considered becoming roommates, but nixed that idea after we deducted it wouldn't be practical long-term, which I'll elaborate on in another entry.

However, thanks to this warm and sunny weather we've been getting throughout fall, driving obviously hasn't been a problem for us, so we've been able to keep spending time together. With the nicer weather, comes more time spent at my family park, where we always love being at on weekends and evenings. Part of the reason I made that entry last month about being more active with writing while talking about having a nice break from talking about my trauma, was that I believed with the usual rainy weather was coming and that meant that I would be seeing boyfriendish - my biggest distraction - much less. But as I just explained, that just didn't happen.

It will soon though. Weather forecast says the rain is finally coming this Friday and will be here to stay. Boyfriendish will be staying with me all this week, but he's already said he'll be going back to his home on Friday. After which, a long period of separation between us is likely. I have mixed feelings about it. I do love having him around and will be sad when he's gone. I know we'll only be a short distance apart, but I'll still miss him. Feels like going back to work after a long vacation, silly as it may sound. But I'm also kinda glad that it's happening. I've let myself be distracted from this long enough. Hell, I may very well be paying for it badly soon if all my trauma has just been bottling up this whole time. it ought to be interesting to see what unfolds.

One way or another, I'm sure I will be writing a lot more very soon. I mean it this time.

One thing that has also been keeping me from writing more is that I’ve still been quite distracted from dwelling on my trauma in this positive mental place I’ve been in since the beginning of this past summer. The primary source of this good place, for those who might’ve been following my entries since then might’ve guessed, being with my boyfriendish partner. We’re still spending more time together than I thought we would, but with our relationship, we’re still not romantically (or sexually) involved despite how close we are. I’ll elaborate more on the present state of our relationship in a separate entry, but the main thing I’m getting at now is that it’s been hard to stay focused on addressing my trauma when he’s been such a major source of contentment in my life right now. But I do want to find a middle ground with continuing on my path to recovering from my past and still being happy with where I’m at. I’ll find a way to break this habit of letting myself be distracted.