I still get flashbacks when I’m at my mom’s house - the same house where I grew up in and where my dad molested me most of the time. They just happen. I’m usually able to keep it together, but now always. Sometimes, I’ll need to excuse myself under myself under the guise of going to the bathroom or whatever, when I’m really just taking a moment to cringe.

Yesterday, I was visiting my mom and had another flashback and was trying not to react, but I guess I was visibly distressed because my mom asked me if I was okay. I tried telling her that I was fine, but she put it together that I was being effected by my trauma again. We ended up talking about it again, even though I didn’t want to. Maybe it was good that I did since it’s been a quite a while since we’ve talked about it and she’s the only person I know personally who I can talk with about it. But she went and texted me this morning asking me how I slept (seems to think I get nightmares, which I don’t) and reminding me that she’s there if I need anything. I get the feeling this might be a regular thing for a while, like it was before.

I’m not holding against her for being a concerned mother, I just wish she wouldn’t worry about me. I can’t say I didn’t sort of bring this on myself for not holding it together being triggered. Perhaps she was confident with how much I’ve been coping with my trauma and her seeing me distressed destroyed that confidence and she feels she needs to check on me again. I don’t want her to worry about me again, but that’s not really an option. I am her daughter, after all, and endured something that went under her nose for years, which I know she still blames herself for… Maybe her and I should talk about it more again. We both do seem to be living with guilt over what happened. Might be a good way to vent those feelings.