Yep the medication worked and over the past year things have been moving from strength to strength, I've got married, moved out, volunteering. All good.

Just got the news that my uncle (who sexually abused me) will be moving back to my city. Not good. Sent me in a bit of a spiral. My husband is being very supportive but I'm not sleeping well and thrashing around a lot as I sleep, long story short I've got a bruise on my thigh but this isn't helping things. Every time I look at it I feel dread and feel sick. I feel his hands on me and it's like I'm out of my body at times watching him grabbing at me, digging his fingers into me. I hated it when he left marks on me as I'd have to make up excuses of how I got them, pretty easy as a tomboy though.

It's stupid as It's just a bruise! A stupid little bruise! It's not even like a big one that's shaped like a hind or finger mark or whatever it's just a random bruise I got from god only knows what!

Rant over. Night

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Well they came and said they wont cart me off but I should be on medication for my mood and lack of sleep. They were meant to ring today. They didn't ring. I know they said in the week because of my plans it needs to be sorted now. They said it should be sorted this week. I am busy this week but I'll make time. I have no hope but still want to be better. Stressing out this much and the very little sleep is giving me massive headaches.

Well she didn't section me but now I have a visit from the crisis team on Sunday... Last time they just came here and basically said I'm fine and left. I don't know what I want from them. Nothing really. I nearly yelled at her down the phone "I DON'T NEED THIS!! I DON'T NEED TO BE RESCUED!" I don't. I've come to the conclusion I am fine. What I'm doing is right. This is the right thing to do. We'll see what magic they can do. I bet they do nothing just like everyone else.

Okay can't post about suicide. Noted.

Not feeling any better so I know my decision is right. Not too long to wait now. Maybe I shouldn't have told my mental health facilitator though. I'm worried she'll section me. We'll see I guess.

Right now all I want to do is jump on a train and travel down to Skegness, search every bar until I find my mother and sit her down to try and get answers. If I get no where then slap her in the face. I know I can't talk right now as I'm ploughed but I need to know how/why she became an alcoholic. What the hell happened with Mike? I can't ask Lyle I don't think he'd answer me. Was the violence my fault? Did my father not want me? Why didn't she leave him after he tried to kill me? I just don't get it.

I'm struggling with all of the memories from the sexual abuse too. My fiance's mum was raped over a year a go and only told us early this year and is just getting help for it. She is getting help which is fantastic but it triggers me really badly. I hate even referring to it as "abuse". I guess I am still kind of brainwashed as in my head it is labeled under "###$ up love". I'm trying to understand without blaming him. I just want to make excuses for him. STILL! I blame myself for not being over it. It was years ago. Even my fiance says I should be over it by now but I still feel uncomfortable saying that 4 letter R word... I know I said it earlier on but that's about someone else.

My jaw hurts. Damn wisdom teeth. Wisdom not included.

Peace out.

Make it stop please, please someone make this stop. I don't want to think about him any more!! I should hate him but why do I feel nothing but love and an under tone of fear? I should want to smash his face in. I want this to stop, make everything stop. I'm so confused how I'm happy and upset at the same time. Life is okay which is nice except my boyfriend being in hospital again for retaining water in his legs so much he can barely walk, damn liver disease. But the worst thing is me, how I let myself think all this. How much I struggle with how much I think of him. Sometimes I think it was easier going through it than it is now that I'm just left with the feelings. At least when he was screwing me I could put it in the back of my mind and ignore everything, I was a zombie. I'd do what he said without question, how did it get to that? How did he groom me that well? I didn't even notice. I thought he was my friend and best of all a member of my family who loved me for me, no matter how I acted. I know I was no angel as a kid but I think my mum stepped a little too far with discipline, I agree with standing by your rules but calling your 10 year old daughter a greedy little bitch is a bit too much, she wasn't all bad though. And so I ran to him, straight to his arms whenever I saw him. He'd hug me and love me and tell me I was his beautiful princess, nothing I got at home. But then hugs wouldn't make him happy and I didn't want to make him sad, I wanted to make him as happy as he made me, I'd do anything to cheer him up. How did the tables turn so? How did I become so dependant on his happiness? Did he make me feel guilty? Is it just in my caring nature to want to please people? I do like to see other people happy but if someone came up to me now and said you'd make me happy by giving me oral sex I'd say no, maybe it was my age? The innocence and naivety? So many questions, so little answers. Horribly when I feel this bad the person I want a hug from is him... When I feel this upset and feel I have no one to turn to I want to turn to him, almost like even though I haven't seen him in years I still need to depend on him. Is this how it carries on? The WANT to be around him? I used to dream about us living together as family, him always being there for me, but then I realised that was wrong when I realised what was going on. How could I not notice until I was 12? It baffles me. My boyfriend did something similar to what he used to do,point out how a heart on my top accentuated my breasts, I probably wont wear that top again..
Okay screw that water retention bit, I just got a phone call and it is his damn liver causing it, probably need a transplant now, we've been waiting for the news that he has to go on the list for about a year or more so we're trying to see this as a positive, a new liver means better immune system, means we can move out and move forward. But I'm so scared I'll lose him. I hate cystic fibrosis...