I have no idea what this is meant to be or where it'll end up. But I prefer it that way. Not having any structure or regulations that I have to obey or conform what I say to. I have no idea who I will be when I write here, or how it'll come out, or anything at all. I'm just going to type and accept whatever happens.

I have a counselling session this afternoon. It'll be the first one since my assessment and I have no idea what to expect. I've been in therapy before, outpatient, inpatient, with psychologists, psychiatrists, counsellors, the whole spectrum. But it's different this time. And it is only a counsellor, so I'm worried about their qualifications. I know how arrogant that may sound, but there are certain areas that are favoured depending on a person's education, experience, interest, etc. I just become so annoyed when told to challenge negative thoughts with affirmations, or focus on my strengths, or anything of the sort. It isn't helpful. I don't think they ever fully understand the things I'm trying to say, regardless of how honest I attempt to be. It's just disappointing. I guess I go in with the hope that someone will be able to pick out the pieces I've managed to gather and they can put them all together for me and give me a clear and comprehensive picture of myself that I can't get to. It's probably too much to ask. I don't know.

That's another problem I have. I don't know. I'll go in with an issue, a pressing concern, an emotional crisis--but then I forget what it was. If left alone for enough time, I always forget. The pieces of me that are broken slip away into the background and I'm left alone with absolutely no idea what the problem even is. And I have to sit there and explain to these people about some issue or feeling that I've never experienced, so when they are asking questions or giving advice I can't do much with it except try and remember whatever was written earlier and draw inferences about them. It's frustrating particularly when advice is given, because I'll be overcome with the feeling that it isn't helpful, or right, but I have absolutely no reason to give as to why. It's too much trouble than it's even worth.

I don't even remember the assessment. I want to chalk that up to dissociation, to someone else being there instead of me, but there's no part of me that remembers that I've drawn up since. All I have is the hazy memory that I'm supposed to be keeping a log of events, to try and isolate what triggers a dissociative attack. And that I was told not to drink and to exercise. And after that assessment, I came home and tried that log, except a million other things started to come out and I lost everything that had happened before it. People started to write to me with my own hands, then speak to me through my lips, then flash images behind my eyes, whispers in my ears. Over the past few weeks, it's built up and become stronger and stronger. Is that what I'm supposed to go in saying? Because I can't even describe most of that. I'm not around when it happens. I don't even know who I am right now. That term alone has lost all meaning to me. Everything I write I automatically start using "we" and "us", but I have to go back and fix it because I don't understand it. I don't know who anyone else is, if they're there. I don't even know if they are. There are posts here, and journal entries, and other things that all say there are others, and they talk, and I know about them--but I don't. Someone at some point might, but it isn't me. I remember it like a dream I had. Or a really faraway, distant memory. I used to always look back on my memories when the sense, "That wasn't me", but it's what everyone feels. After you've grown and changed so much over time that you can't really connect to the "old you" any more--it's completely typical. Except now it's the same feeling, but it's about last week. Yesterday. This morning. And it'll happen again and again. It's all...

[ Continued ]