lessons
(free writing)



That very first day.
the day she met him,
She grasped that cliche about love at first sight and it made all the sense in the wold
It wasn't love really,she thought
but a weird mix of euphoria and intenseness that forced her to keep looking...staring, like some stupid teenager unashamed, butterflies on her lower belly and a noose pressing her neck, stopping any sound from coming out of her mouth

He knew she was smitten, oh yes he knew.

she felt a warm tingle and was aware of the cruel transparence of her skin, the way her blood burned her all over from the inside out and colored without pity her cheeks.
Unique feeling,
Like a warm touch of electricity piercing the silence that fell between them.

He relaxed knowingly with his sexy smile and those piercing dark eyes
Hello little Darling,How can I help you?

The girl was insecure and shy.
She had come wearing her school uniform with white socks and black mary jane shoes, on her hand the modeling Flier that someone from the agency had affixed at the bulletins on the nearby schools.
Making a show of inspecting her from top to bottom, her long brown hair and soft pale skin, naturally pouty lips carefully painted red but mostly her startling brown eyes that reminded him of those of a rabbit ready to leap and ran furiously away from a hungry fox.

She was instantly sorry to have told sophie and Ellen about it.
the girls had insisted that she would be perfect for it, they had taken her to the school bathroom and put on Sophie's red lipstick, that one she stole at the counter on JC Penny, "red hot" was the name.
she knew that she looked stupid, she started to feel a bit short of breath and dizzy and was ready to run out the office, down the two flights of stairs and in to the busy street from where she had come.
He caught that flicker on her eyes and in a split of a second he flung himself trapping her hand in a snap.
No, wait!
Did you come here for the lessons?

To my dear husband:

I couldn't think how could I talk to you and tell you what is happening.
I'm not very articulated and i tend to cry when I try to explain things that are very emotional to me.
You know that I have problems with depression and being bipolar and I try to manage them without being a burden to you or the kids. I'm sadly aware that I fail at it often. Specially last night.
My bipolar condition is NOT your fault. But neither is mine as is not your fault that you are blond and blue eyed.
I can't control what I am but I can manage it and ride my episodes with some things like going out for a walk or bath etc...
Those are things I can do but there are things you can do to help me.
Like:

-Hug me and tell me that you love me because when I'm so down I feel like you blame me for being sad and there is nothing I can do to flip my mood at will. Plus it gives me so much anxiety to think that you don't love me anymore because of my condition.
-Don't ignore me, talk to me and hold me with love. That calms me and says that you care.
-Don't tell me not to be depressed . I can't help it. I don't want to be depressed either I wish I could just flip a switch.
- Be with me. I don't like to be alone, I feel lonely and scared.
My down moods pass fast if get love. If I feel that I'm wanted and that I matter in your life.

I know you feel bad because of me and I hope this will stop one way or another because i can't handle anymore the anxiety and the guilt of not being the wife you need. Nor the loneliness and sadness I feel inside.
Can we do something about it?
I think that there must be something where both of us agree to change something. not just me.
I get triggered by your bad moods as well. Your reactions to money matters. That affects me and brings episodes. Yes is not your fault that I'm bipolar, borderline and plain nuts but your ways do influence me...like last night.
I'm sorry you are spending money on my dr bills and I'm sorry I failed to ask if the Dr was in network. I apologize for that deeply.
I wish I had being in the mind of asking but I had a fever and I was in pain when That Dr got me that referral. I didn't think.
I don't like to be such a burden to you.
I don't know what to do or where to go... Is a bad situation and I feel alone
I feel pointless.

I hope this doesn't make you angry but might give you an idea of what I'm going through.
I'm in a delicate state.
I was in the hospital sick and that might have triggered the bipolar.
Things now affect me more, I'm more sensitive and I feel lonely after Rieka's situation.
I need to feel loved for what I am and not despite my faults but even because of it.
I do love you.
You also have faults and make mistakes, even costly mistakes but i love you because you are you! Even with your snoring, headstrong and aloof. I love you all of it and i got used to most of it.
I need you now that I'm down and sick
Can you be here for me? Do you still love me?
Or do you want to split. I don't want a martyr for husband and if that's the case we should not be together.

I'm a girl
My name is lilly (here anyway)
I'm one of many in this body
Our shell is 40 and young looking
We love and hate her
We make sure she eats well
Does some yoga
Walk, meditates
Take long sensuous baths
With sea salt and essential oils
Softening, bliss, divine ...
We like to tell her that she is fat
Ugly
Dumb
And when she cry, we are glad
For she deserves the pain
We make her cut
And bleed
Hit and bruise her lovely white skin
She hides it all
thinks she's fine
The shell
But we know better
We ask for forgiveness, we promise to behave
To learn to love her
The shell
She believes, always she does
And tomorrow
We'll be again bad.

Jazz player, stealing soul

Today
I still smell you
That sweet musky scent of you
Imbedded in my clothes from that night
I kept that shirt on a bag
hidden on the bottom drawer
I wanted to keep a souvenir of you
and your kisses
I felt transported to another world, a planet with no morals, no rules and no law
Where loving and lust are sisters and run free through the streets
showing the frowners their middle finger.

That was a lifetime ago
I still remember you through layers of loneliness and despair
You should be a reason of shame, I should be repentant...
But the lack of that righteousness only points to my weakness.
I want to be good but I dream of a bad boy
I want to feel peace but yearn of that explosion in my heart.
That rush of being in your arms of wanting to drink you with my eyes of devouring you whole to keep you inside me.
Yes, just mine.
I never did found other eyes that see me as yours. I could see myself with your eyes and that was priceless. Nobody ever did that to me. What were you doing?
Why giving me so much only to take it away?
Cruelty is part of you. I know
And I love to hate you for that.

The power of intentions sets memories in motion.
Witchcraft is just that
I remember every bit, savor your taste, breath by breath counting the beats of your heart under me when I lay over you.
I feel you as if it was today and I talk to you in my mind.
Why didn't you come back?
I'm still waiting
I haven't let you go yet
But I know you still remember...

You'll be back when you need the piece of your soul that I'd suck with my tongue that night and you'll have to kiss me again to get it back.
You didn't just steal from me that night my love
You got mugged
Come to take it back, will you dare?

(found on the internet)

To be so strong that nothing can disturb my peace of mind.

To talk health, happiness, and prosperity to every person I meet.

To make all my friends feel that there is something worthwhile in them.

To look at the sunny side of everything and make my optimism come true.

To think only of the best, to work only for the best and to expect only the best.

To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as I am about my own.

To forget the mistakes of the past and press on the greater achievements of the future.

To wear a cheerful expression at all times and give a smile to every living creature I meet.

To give so much time to improving myself that I have no time to criticize others.

To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.

To think well of myself and to proclaim this fact to the world, not in loud words, but in great deeds.

To live in the faith that the whole world is on my side, so long as I am true to the best that is in me.