I start clinicals tomorrow. I should be excited- I've worked hard and long for this and overcame the bumps in the road on the way, and there were plenty. I'm terrified. Looked at the syllabus for one of my classes- never heard of some of the methodologies. When I'm thinking slow enough I just reassure myself they don't expect me to already know what they're going to teach me, and I'm sure I'm as smart as some of the people that have gone through the program.
All I do is worry about being alone or failing. Still haven't managed to have a day of sticking to eating healthy. I don't like "diet" it signifies to me that it's temporary and the only purpose is to lose weight. I'm trying to eat reduced calorie (1800/day) balanced, healthy, multivitamin and vitamin D. Need to get off my blood pressure meds and get to a healthy weight and maintain it. I'm hoping that being so busy with school and work will help me because I won't be at home alone half the day five days a week.
Also attempting to find a psychiatrist with sliding scale (also need to check my insurance) and that can fit me in after 5 pm. Get medication going to relieve some of the anxiety and despair. Guess we'll see

So I've been reading "Sometimes I Act Crazy." It really hit home.

My identity has been whoever I surround myself with. Most of my life, I've been a chameleon, blending in wherever I find myself. I'm more friendly, outgoing, and my perverted sense of humor comes out more at work. When my sister changed after her husband left, I found myself acting like I did when we were little and my maternal grandma would come over- prim and proper. I'm described as normal by my acquaintances, aside from my geeky humor and obsession with biology/medical stuff. Around my fiance I'm a wreck- probably closer to the real thing.
I'm not afraid (except when I'm being neurotic about something) of him leaving me, he's seen me at my worse and has heard a lot of disturbing things from me and he still loves and treats me the same, which is a lot more than I can say for my family, who hold my every word and weakness above my head. He's been nurturing me while I figure this out, encouraging me to find what I like, something to do on my own without anyone else, even him. Not sure where to start though. I loved playing instruments, but it's not near as fun by myself- I loved being part of the group. Oh well, guess we'll see where it goes.

*sigh* So I got into clinicals, which with my GPA was a feat. I was so upset and nervous waiting for the news, I wanted it so bad. Now that I'm in, and start in two weeks I don't want it, I'm terrified. I feel sure I'll fail so why bother? I don't understand why I do this. I do this with weight loss. Well, sorta.
As far as weight loss I cycle between extremes. I'll think "I should just starve myself, I just want to be petite and feminine, and 70 lbs. overweight is not that," or "I'll never get there, I'll just be fat and hideous forever." And I'm afraid that my fiance will leave me, not just because my family doesn't want me, so why would he, but because of my weight. Why would he want a fat slob as a soul mate? Again, when I get obsessive and neurotic about it he calms me down. He says it doesn't matter how much I weigh to him, he just wants me to feel beautiful and healthy, and if I think losing weight and getting in shape the RIGHT way, then great! And he'll help me with it. He's lost 70 pounds himself and gotten into great shape, so he knows how to do it.
I'm terrified of trying to achieve anything, I've always had my family, when they want to, to emotionally support me. It's just me and my fiance, and I feel like the training wheels have been detached and I'm afraid and cracking my skull open. I'm scared of letting him down, he's pulling most of the financial weight for me to graduate, then I'll be doing that so he can get his master's degree- in his field it's practically required to get a job in the field.
My family is massively stressing me. Every time I open up to my mom and let her see how messed up I am, she somehow twists it into being my fault, or that my soul is in trouble, or on my fiance. I should know better by now not to talk to her about anything substantial, but I keep on hoping that if she could understand me things could change. But I know they won't.
I'm just hoping that by recording all of this I can pinpoint my issues and find a way to keep them under control.

It hit me at work hard on Sunday that I have no home. Well, almost. Growing up my dad was in the navy and even though we visited the DFW area frequently between moves, and I live there now, it doesn't quite feel like home. Everywhere I'm reminded of the fallout between my family and I. When I'm in some parts of town I worry I will run into them, and then what? Nearly everyday I see reminders that they don't want me all because I didn't let them run my life. The only other place that comes close is Hampton Roads, we lived there three times. It's beautiful, you can smell the ocean, and they have seasons! It feels empty though, I know it's only a matter of time before my dad moves back here with the rest of the family and the people I know there are gone, and besides it's been nearly ten years since I've seen them. Like I said, I don't have my family, I've always considered them my home and where I come from because of the geographic instability, but they're gone too.
My fiance carries a heavy load because he carries me. Both of us have a hard time making friends. All we have is each other. He is calm and collected. I'm extraordinarily depressed and neurotic. He's my home now, but that is so fragile. He says he would never leave me, but I worry he will get burned out by my emotional issues. And besides, life itself is so fragile. It doesn't take much for a person to have their life ended- car accident, being at the wrong place at the wrong time, etc. I live in constant fear that for one reason or another he will be gone too. I'm so ashamed at how out of control my emotions are, I even tried to convince him to leave me because I feel he can do better. He kissed my forehead and said that all he wants is me, there isn't anyone else. He's the reason I'm trying to get better, so he can have a better life. Sometimes he is even able to convince me that I deserve it too. I just want the constant emotional roller coaster and the pain to stop. Maybe then I can start to heal and get truly better. One time he told me this, and it makes me feel like I'll never be alone in this world.
"I want you to fly that much higher because you will have the confidence that if you fall, I will be right here to catch you."