Do you really want to know how I am feeling?

I feel miserable. Absolutely miserable.

And something new?

I've made two new friends.

Jesse is still here. Still roaming. He's kept me company since 2008.

Believe me, I am definitely alone in this. I want to talk to someone. Someone who will listen. From my mouth to your ears.

i dont know why i continue to blog on here. no one gives a 'F.

maybe because my only audience is the world that really isn't reality.

but its still kind of like just me and my thoughts.

partial slippage of the spinal cord because of continuous battering of my head with my fists. I had once asked myself how does that happen? henry gray gave me the best answer possible.

I know I don't like to be around people physically, especially my age, but...

It's those times, I try to reach out to my own immediate family and get burned, I delve so deep into the hole, it's like climbing or calling for help or any surefire way to get out will not work.

So what's the only option?

Wait 'til summer until the dirt hardens like rock and cracks and then maybe I could use an ICEPICK to pull myself up, in hopes it doesn't crumble above my head on the way up.

But, wait. I didn't know i'd need an icepick this time, especially for just dirt.

Exactly.

Dang...

Ok. So.

Sometimes I feel sad because I can't find a lot of bands that speak to how I feel, but more so I feel special because I have one that at least one of their whole albums is 100% how I feel on a daily basis.

The Mars Volta. Deloused In The Comatorium album.

<3<3<3<3

Oh man. I'm not fond of those lesser than signs with the "3", because i'm kind of uptight but that just...that deserved it in my mind.

------------------------------------------

And in other parts of my mind...

Most everyday now I wake up in the morning and want to retreat immediately to another world in my head. Honestly. Reading these forums and reading about my disorder so much I always thought when they said those with the disorder were "in their own world", I THOUGHT I understood. I thought I knew what they mean, but I suppose I didn't because I took it in another meaning. I thought they meant they all were entirely transported mentally to another world they created, in which, I believed because it was a mental illness, ok. Well. Not saying that can't happen but I realized what they really meant was something a bit different.

They meant another world, and they were right now. Just not that with every person leaving their body mentally while awake. While that can happen, I think I've realized where I fit into that "other world" thing.

I feel like it's almost completely impossible to explain to someone who doesn't have mental illness, because the whole thing is so damn complex, it's scary, but then it's fun.

It combats loneliness. Thats all I really have to say.

Birthday.
Another day reminding of how much I hate myself.
A reminder that i've lived another year
and of failed suicide attempts.
Of festering hatred for myself,
and fear of loss.


Thank you.