I looked at my last blog post before starting this one. Only five days have passed. It seems like weeks. So much has happened.

I’m a transwoman. I’m a woman. I know it now.

After coming home from mall walking in my new panties, I wore them again to work. When I got back home, I threw every pair of boy undies I owned in the dumpster, along with the cat litter. Someday, all the rest of my boy clothes will follow. I’m a girl, and I need to wear girl clothes. However, I’m also employed, and I need to stay that way. I don’t know how soon employment is going to lose this argument, but if it goes on too very long I think it will. The drive to live is too strong. I’ve only been half alive all my life; now that I’ve tasted what it means to really be alive, I can’t resist. I’ve seen that principle in operation already.

This has not been an easy process; but in all honesty it hasn’t been as difficult as it might have been. When I started trying to bring out my “feminine side,” I asked my Goddess for help. I don’t hear voices, but sometimes one gets a feeling, Impression or thought in response to prayer; and, on that occasion, I got the distinct impression that she replied, “Are you sure? Because once done, it can’t be undone.” And here we are.

I have had some great support here, on PsychForums; but I felt a need to connect with someone locally, in person, who could give me some direction. I contacted the local LGBT center; and, while their initial replies were promising, that avenue collapsed. Through a friend, I was connected with them years ago in a small way; they were dysfunctional then, and apparently they’re dysfunctional still. However, that failed attempt reminded me of someone I had been acquainted with at that time who had transitioned. I could only remember his first name, but found him through Google and Facebook, contacted him, and asked if we could meet. He was very accepting. And, although I had not known him well, he had known my friend much better; and he wrote back that, based on what my friend had told him about me, this news – about me being trans – did not surprise him. Gee. I wonder how many other people knew first.

I saw a therapist today, someone with experience in the transgender area and well-thought of by the community. I think it went well. I can’t afford to see her often, but it was a good beginning. She was supportive. I was hoping she would be an objective critic, in case I was somehow leading myself astray; but, although she told me that she didn’t see any mental illness in me, she would not confirm my self-diagnosis. She said it was for me to decide. Therapists.

I have a very good friend on Facebook – someone I’ve never met in person, but who does know me under my legal name. (I won’t say “real name,” because that’s the name of the zombie that’s been staggering through life, half-alive.) We have never discussed the subject of trans-ness, but knowing her as I do I was sure she would be welcoming and supportive. So, after I got back from the therapist’s office, I came out to her – by email, of course, not on Facebook. I didn’t want the world to know – not yet. And she responded just as I thought she would; she even called me “sister.” So, I’ve come out to someone, now, someone who knows me IRL who isn’t a therapist and isn’t transgender himself. My first civilian.

Indeed, I want to tell everyone. I want to start Hormone Replacement Therapy. I want some of that magic estrogen. But, at this point, it could be economic suicide.

So – congratulations, me!

Congratulations you!!! I've also felt that your path would lead you to this, with every update, the feeling grew stronger. I'm very glad for you and hope this will all go well, and all according to your Goddess's revelation. Hugs!!