I have been hurt. I have been hurt very badly. I need to be able to say that. Those who have hurt me will never admit to it. I think that hurts more than the original hurt. The fact that they will carry on as if they are noble, pious, and would not hurt someone as they have hurt me.

These who have hurt me go about their lives acting as if they are victims and survivors of some of the very things that they have perpetrated upon me. Does it mean that they were either never truly a victim, or does it mean that they are just trying to get a little control in their lives by taking control over mine or others like me? Have they become the sick twists that they cry out against? Were they the twisted ones all along simply looking to position themselves in a way that they can exploit people who are vulnerable? Was this person sitting there getting sexual satisfaction upon the recounting of the things that has happened to me and different people?

All of this just makes me sick to even think about it. The one thing that I have learned about everyone who has hurt me, one thing they all share-- they all hide from the truth like blood sucking vampires hiding from the sun. Truth is something that they simply can not even sit at the table with.
They take comfort and pride in secrecy and the appearance that they hope to convey to others. They have no tolerance for those who begin to see them for the farce that they are.
They will seek to destroy anyone who becomes a threat to their perceived position over the vulnerable ones whom they derive their sexual satisfaction from.

It has all gotten my head so messed up.

I'm totally afraid that I'm just asking for trouble by putting something in the blog. I think that there is no real way that I can win in this. If no one ever seems to notice or give feedback then it will just be that what I feel is correct. I am invisible even among others who are marginalized in society. Sort of the lowest of the low, so to speak. If I get called names or demeaned then it just worsens my feelings of loneliness, self hatred, and need to destroy myself.

Long story short is that I'm in a really low place today. I was looking at some old things of mine and just had some old memories come flood back at me. The thing is the memories themselves at first were really pleasant and of a little girl totally unaware of the world she lived in and of the things that soon would be coming her way. She took the world for what she was told told it to be.

I want so badly to dig within side myself and pull that little girl out and shred her. I want to destroy her. I don't know why but I hate her and her ignorance to what was going on around her and to what was about to happen. I want to wipe those smiles from her face. No little girl had the right to smile in the midst of all of the hypocrisy. The smiles were wiped from her face. It would have been easier if I could go back and gotten to her first.